Kotaku: List of Top 25 Most Popular iPhone Applications Contains 112 Games

25 < 112

Source: http://kotaku.com/5202061/tap-tap-revenge-top-tops-iphone-charts

Evidently English is Hard Too

I won't beat a dead horse here, because we all know that I don't care about these dolts and their daily lives, and I think publishing their emails as posts is a shameful way to drive up their post count. I might go on to suppose that very few of Kotaku's readers will pull up their newsfeeds with breakfast, sip their coffee, and muse, "Ah, Bash and Crecente. Your witty banter is such a welcome bright spot amongst the drudgery of video game news."

I will, however, point out that "Bash" can't seem to write the simplest of sentences without fucking them up. I think to criticize and mock.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5201657/moving-is-hard

I Hope Someone Re-Does This Article

I got it! Mike's keyboard is broken. That's the only explanation I can come up with for missing so many letters in such a short article. Maybe if you guys spent more time proofreading and less time jerking it to J-pop idols over your laptops, you'd write ONE goddamn article without an obvious spelling error.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5200513/silent-hill-shattered-memories-re+does-wii-ps2-and-psp

It burns when I pee, also when I read kotaku

This one falls into two categories. First there's the gripe I had before about the pictures being too god damn big. There's no room for the actual content of the news story because the picture takes up my entire fucking browser. If the news story was about, say, tales of vesperia screenshots, then I might be ok with it. It's NOT about that though. The game has been out for some 9 months so we're all well aware what it looks like. This is just naming off differences between the xbox version and the ps3 port (Also, thanks for telling me about the anime tie-in, there, buddy ^_-).
Secondly, and this is the one that pisses me off the most, is the content of the screenshot itself. As I said before, tales of vesperia has been out in the USA since august, so WHY IN FUCK'S NAME IS THIS JACKHOLE USING A SCREENSHOT FROM THE JAPANESE VERSION?! You know, he could have at least taken a screenshot from any portion of the japanese version, including the 8 hojillion publicity action shots, or he could have just done a google image search (which yields almost all english results, btw). But, no, he HAD to take a screenshot that featured japanese text just so he could show off how chingchongy and wingwongy he was.

source: http://kotaku.com/5201634/whats-new-about-ps3-tales-of-vesperia

Kotaku Will Be Used Incorrect Tenses

Who the hell do you think you are Mike, some kind of time jumper? Doctor Fucking Manhattan? You can't say that something "is teased next month," any more than I can say "your posts are shitty tomorrow." Just because you're positive that something will happen doesn't mean you can stand outside the time line and narrate to those of us who live a linear existence.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5200436/see-the-future-with-new-fable-ii-dlc-in-may

Kotaku Is Realistically Pathetic

It's only a matter of time, I feel, before they find out about this blog and possibly curb their lack of proofreading. But by then I'll be rich and famous and shooting H inbetween my toes.

(This is funny if you know me in person and realize that the possibility of me doing H is greater than the possibility that Kotaku would ever start proofreading).

P.S. What I was to see WAS... or... What I WANT to see is. Pick one, Mike.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5200580/fight-night-4-is-realistically-slimy

I Spent $5 in Chicago With Tristan And All I Got Was This Lousy Article

... make sure that any events using their console aren't...
... make sure that any event using their console isn't...

Pick one of those, and then fix your run-on sentence you idiot. Tristan has probably learned these things in school by now, so maybe you should ask him next time you're unsure. I bet he'd be glad to help.

Now that I've deciphered what you were trying to say, I have to agree with you, Brian. It's totally shitty for Microsoft to allow just anyone to buy their consoles and then allow people to play them. Hopefully next time I'm at a party and someone busts out Rock Band, Microsoft employees will show up at the door and make sure there are enough consoles to go around.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5200201/how-to-waste-5-on-the-xbox-360-in-chicago

Let's Fighting Love

Let's Not Bother Reporting News
Let's Just Post A Video Clip Of A Game You Westerners Can't Buy

Wonderful penis thing
There are hairs at balls
That's sound of Monkey-like Cunt
No! Ninjas are here!
Hey hey let's! Lets fight!
This is important. Protect my balls!
I'm badass. So let's fighting
Let's fighting love!
Let's fighting love!
This song is a bit stupid
This doesn't make sense.
English is all fucked up
It's okay--we do it all the time!
Hey hey let's go!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5199585/lets-check-out-gothic-lolita-shooter-for-xbox-360

Classic Cock

Sometimes you don't need fancy gimmicks or crazy metaphors to be pissed off at asscraft. This is one of those classic timeless examples that never ceases to piss me off. Any normal reporter would link to the notice and tell you the translation, but this classless egotistical fuck sees fit to post a picture of the japanese that he just happens to know how to read. Suck my dick you son of a bitch

Source: http://kotaku.com/5196756/konami-ps3-baseball-game-goes-offline-the-end

Kotaku Is Full Of Shit, Doesn't Apologize

Article 1: Kotaku claims that Ghostbusters for the PSP is on its way thanks to their sniffing around the ESRB's dumpster or some shit.

Article 2: Kotaku reveals that Ghostbusters is NOT headed to the PSP because "Sometimes (the ESRB is) not such a great resource."

Article 3: Kotaku apologizes for lying to their readership by claiming that a game was destined for release simply from gleaning info from a sometimes unreliable source.

OH WAIT.

That last article doesn't exist because Kotaku is too fucking proud/lazy/incompetent to admit they made a mistake. Of course, rectifying every mistake Kotaku makes would be a lot of work. Hell, you could almost fill an entire blog with Kotaku's mistakes.

Sources:
http://kotaku.com/5193944/the-ghostbusters-coming-to-psp
http://kotaku.com/5197528/atari-busts-hopes-of-ghostbusters-for-psp

Kotaku has bad relatively grammar

You guys and your mistaken obviously word rearrangements. How can you write up such a simple painfully sentence and screw it up? Reading this blog is like pouring hot extremely lemon juice in my eyes while someone pounds a nail through my large amazingly dick.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5197621/alpha-protocol-obsidian-evolves

Kotaku is the worst at what they do

Mike, come on. Did you decide to write the first sentence, stop halfway, and then go huff paint for an hour? And if you're supposed to be a gaming journalist, how come your only exposure to this game so far has been a couple of screenshots and this trailer? Oh, that's right. It's because you wouldn't know gaming or journalism if they DP'd you.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5195686/wolverine-behind+the+scenes-is-best-there-is-at-what-it-does

This Article So That I Want To Die

Listen, you piece of shit excuse for a writer, I can't read your mind OR YOUR WRITING so you are going to have to tell me what I am supposed to be noticing in this screenshot of a game that I can't read anything on.
First of all, why is it relevant to mention erotic games? OMG TEHH SEXXXXX
Then, are you trying to tell me that this batch of screenshots SHOWS something? Because you weren't even close. Heavy on what? Using the same piece of art on the top screen? I sure don't know any DS games that do that. Especially ones that we play, here, in the West.
Infinite Space? More like INFINITE DRIVEL. Goddamn Kotaku is such a horrible blog I can't believe that advertisers pay Gakwer any money or even can bear to have their ads on this neverending stream of Internet diarrhea.

MY POKEMONS LET ME SO YOU THEM

Source: http://kotaku.com/5194722/what-do-you-notice-about-these-ds-screenshots

News Flash! Ashcraft lives in Japan!

GAMING BLOG

Kotaku is the only blog I've ever read (gaming or otherwise) that publishes all the inane emails that the "editors" write back and forth to each other. I know you're trying to artificially inflate your stupid post count, but do you really need to fill it with junk like this?

Who gives a fuck about you and your dumb Japanese lending experience? Nobody, that's who. Do you know how many of your readers are married American bloggers living in Japan and looking to buy property? Obviously you don't.

Don't you have a personal blog that you can post this garbage on? You know, one that doesn't try and sell itself as a gaming blog but instead comes off as a weeaboo's guide to everything Japanese that real gamers don't give two shits about? Have fun looking for a new dining table ya dumb bastard. I'm looking forward to a post about how yours are shorter than "Western" ones.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5193628/so-yeah-i-did-it-i-bought-a-piece-of-japan

This Just In: Mike Fahey On Course To Graduate High School In A 2350

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Really, Mike? Do you REALLY think you can get away with a sarcastic remark about someone else's poor writing skills while moments prior you construct an illegible sentence? Nevermind the fact that the press release is obviously written by someone that did not have English as their first language... you have the upper hand of being born here, (The West, in case you're reading, Asscraft), and you still can't proofread your articles for simple, completely noticeable mistakes.

Let's not even talk about the lack of commas in that bottom paragraph. Good lord.

You blow a mind.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5192211/former-diablo-ii-lead-artist-lays-down-the-law

America's Army 3: Are You Interested In Some of It Is Amazing Features?

And just when I thought you guys were going to run us out of business, you deliver this beautiful gem:

"If you're interested in reading up on how the game plays and some of it's amazing features, like tactical sound, realistic ricochet and how gravity effects the bullets your fire, make sure to check out our hands on with the game."

Thanks, Crecente. I can feed my starving mouth once again. It's very hungry. (See, I took two words, "it" and "is" and used an apostrophe to conjoin them together! ::winku:: )

Source: http://kotaku.com/5190957/americas-army-3-coming-to-steam

What I Would Have Give To Be Able To Read Kotaku

The thought process in writing this post:
Reiterate again that Microsoft somehow rolled some anthropomorphic eyes
Remember that punctuation is helpful but it doesn't really matter where it goes in the sentence, as long as it's there
Right click >> Thesaurus >> choose fifty-cent word like "abject"
Butcher English language

Source: http://kotaku.com/5192250/microsoft-discounts-ps2-price-cut

Brian Ashcraft is nearly 100 percent a failure

I drop shadows like MCA drops beats.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5191628/final-fantasy-xiii-uses-nearly-100-percent-of-ps3-power

Awful Writers Who Live In Glass Houses

Shouldn't throw stones at Egon.

Oh wait, no, maybe he lives in a Japanese glass house so he can throw stones cause it's made of some future polymer and won't break.

Go ahead and make shitty comments about other people's writing. Pot calling the kettle black, and all. Because everyone will remember your fantastic website 20 years from now when MINIBASH is still watching Ghostbusters.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5191263/egon-spengler-kind-of-helped-with-ghostbusters-game-dialogue

What's A Japan?

Holy shit, Brian, your kid didn't know what a radio was?! Man that's so shocking! Maybe you should mention a cotton gin or mining cart, you know, to see if he questions that too. OOH OOH! Make some lude reference to TITS or DILDO and see if he questions those items as well!

Revelation: People ask questions about things that are new to them! I'm sure when you were a little Mini-Bash faggot you asked the exact same question, even though the radio was more prevelant in your time.

Editor's Note: Maybe because you forgot to pronounce it rajio or write it down in kanji: ラジオ

Source: http://kotaku.com/5190027/whats-a-radio