This Article Was Too Boring to Find Five Dollars

Thank you, kind sir, for providing us readers with another Mike Fahey masterpiece. Seriously, bravo. Your ability to take the most boring piece of "video game news" and surround it with a history lesson on Dolly, the cloned sheep, is truly incredible.

If you subtract all the fluff from your article you are left with this:

"A recent interview in Best Buy's official @Gamer Magazine reveals that plans for a Pokémon based on this loveable creature above were scrapped after being deemed too controversial. What's controversial about Dolly the sheep? She's a clone."

Cool story, bro.

Maybe one day I can start a website where I report on small news stories that I casually read in the grocery line at Ralph's, and then segue into some sci-fi piece of news that takes up 90% of the article. At least you spared us from posting a cell phone picture of the magazine article like your partner, Asscraft, does on a daily ba -- wait...

Wait a damn minute. You didn't even READ this fucking magazine news piece! You got this news from some awful, wiki-style website called BulbaNews.

Holy shit. Not even BulbaNews has the interview we want to read! How is this REPORTING? This is the OPPOSITE of reporting.

And just when I thought things couldn't get any less professional, your second "source" is A MOTHERFUCKING LINK TO THE SIGN-UP PAGE FOR @GAMERS MAGAZINE!

God fucking damn you. You make me so mad at myself for not having the balls to start a god damn website and make money off of awful, empty reporting.

Enjoy your paycheck, prick. I hope you get your asshole stretched out by a cloned bottle-nosed dolphin.

Source: http://kotaku.com/#!5758104/this-pokemon-was-too-controversial-to-live

Mike Fahey is Beyond Heinous, Ironic

In a world where Lindsay Lohan's white courtroom dress, (read: whore costume), draws more attention than the 1200 planets recently discovered by NASA's Kepler spacecraft, I've come to expect the worst things out of the media and the people who read it.

I guess I had a lapse in maintaining my expectation when I clicked on Kotaku today. You see, some dormant part of me still hopes and prays that one day Kotaku will not be an embarrassment to video game players everywhere. That maybe one day Mike Fahey will actually think before he clicks 'post', or perhaps gain a shred of literary intelligence by reading a book, a magazine, or even a cocktail napkin with some words on it.

That hope is now gone.

Hey Mike, would you like to know a shitty way to teach a child a new word? Reading Kotaku's god damn front page that is NSFW, you fucking cunt. Having a NSFW tag is absolutely useless when your fucking FRONT PAGE has the word "shitty" written on. Now my nine year old daughter is aware of this word and I get to sit and hope she doesn't accidentally use it at school when I'm not around to tell her it's wrong.

Fuck you. I hope you get raped by a chimp.

P.S. I'm allowed to curse this much because this blog isn't a 'journalistic' website with 50k views a day.

Source: http://kotaku.com/#!5757100/this-is-a-shitty-way-to-teach-a-child-new-words

Scientists Working on Entertaining Mike Fahey

Mike Fahey never stops proving how much of an uneducated, insensitive prick he really is. Not only does his recent post have zero to do with the video game industry, (something I give some leeway for if the article is about something exceptionally amazing), but it is littered with four paragraphs of intensely rude OP/ED reporting in regards to what the science and space community has achieved in the past four decades.

"After 37 years of broadcasting assorted human garbage to the universe at large, scientists are working on a protocol to insure future messages to extraterrestrial intelligences are more efficient and well-received. Can't we just use Twitter?"

Human garbage? Classy, Mike. Very classy. Also, a joke about using Twitter for communication with extra terrestrials! How very entertaining, mon frere!

"The Arecibo radio telescope in Puerto Rico broadcast its first messages into space in 1974, beaming a stream of binary code at globular star cluster M13 some 25,000 light years away. That message contained encoded information about human DNA, our solar system, and the telescope itself. Any alien intercepting this message would have likely been bored to tears, changing course towards a more interesting planet."

Mike, you are such an asshole. I can't fucking handle it sometimes. I really want you to think about the implications of what you write. You plainly have no concept of how incredible it was for the human race to understand our DNA structure, our solar system, and the ability to actually SEND this information somewhere 25,000 light years away. Do you even spend any time fathoming how great of a distance that is?

What makes this even worse is your assumption that an alien life form would find this boring to receive. I'm pretty sure that any life form with the technology to receive our data is intelligent enough not to consider said data to be BORING! (you fucking asshole.)

"Since then we've been sending all sorts of cultural crap into space. Pictures, sound bites, bits of music; the interstellar equivalent of pop-up ads. Ads that alien beings might not even be able to see or hear, depending on whatever passes for sensory organs in their culture."

Cultural crap. Amazing. Interstellar equivalent to pop-up ads. Are you fucking KIDDING ME? I hope one day an alien takes a god damn Polaroid of itself and beams it into your fucking hands so you can call it a cultural pop-up ad, you fucking HACK.

Secondly, I truly love that you make the point of these alien life forms possibly not having the organs to see or hear, but you absolutely assume they have the ability to be bored. God fucking Christ someone help me before I blow my brains out.

"The messages have also been rather anthropocentric, featuring humans and our culture prominently. Aliens must think we're so full of ourselves."

D:

... I'm done. Get eaten by a lion you piece of shit.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5752104/scientists-working-on-alien-communication-standards

NSFW T&A & GJK & FU

Hey, thanks you worthless fucks. It'd be nice to scroll through your site without fear of coming across four tits or a CGI ass once in a while. It'd be even nicer if they weren't within four posts of each other. Now, don't get me wrong. I love Jane's Addiction and tits and asses. What I don't like is getting the Nth degree from my boss when he sees them on my monitor at work.

Sources: http://kotaku.com/5226327/its-good-to-be-the-saboteur and http://kotaku.com/5226082/nothings-shocking-in-next-weeks-rock-band-update

This Just In: Mike Fahey On Course To Graduate High School In A 2350

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Really, Mike? Do you REALLY think you can get away with a sarcastic remark about someone else's poor writing skills while moments prior you construct an illegible sentence? Nevermind the fact that the press release is obviously written by someone that did not have English as their first language... you have the upper hand of being born here, (The West, in case you're reading, Asscraft), and you still can't proofread your articles for simple, completely noticeable mistakes.

Let's not even talk about the lack of commas in that bottom paragraph. Good lord.

You blow a mind.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5192211/former-diablo-ii-lead-artist-lays-down-the-law

You Are THE Worst Journalist To Date - Mike Fahey Is An Asshole: Part 3

It's reporting like this that just STEAMS MY NUTS. Here you have a man, who sits at home, or on location, or wherever the fuck he is, and somehow finds the audacity to, one, call half his readership morons, and two, make false claims on a corporation that is doing extremely well during this economic turmoil. If I wanted a fucking ED/OP piece I would go to a website that has reputable journalists with EDUCATED opinions.

You sir, Mike Fahey, are one of the most illiterate people I have ever seen on a major publication website, and yet you come trotting in on your high horse accusing half your readership of not being smart enough to understand simple net earnings and sales. The hypocrisy of this moment in time will stick with me forever.

Here's a thought. Lead by example. Explain to your readers why these numbers are important and why they should pay attention to them. Your readers are young and impressionable... maybe you can steer them on the proper course instead of them sitting at home learning how to improperly spell because of you.

Thinking this couldn't get any worse, I read on. Low and behold, what do I find? That's right, your shitty attitude towards a company that is booming. A company that is IN YOUR FIELD. A company that will be opening up 400 stores and giving NEW JOBS to people that are JOBLESS in this economic catastrophe. These jobless people are your GOD DAMN, MOTHER FUCKING READERS! But that doesn't matter, right? As long as you get to make an unprovoked jab using fabricated fact about the company for a couple chuckles from your 'moronic' readers.

Jesus Christ how do you not think about what you write before you write it? If I ever have the displeasure of meeting you in person, I find comfort in the knowledge that I will completely destroy you on a verbal level. You are filth.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5185277/gamestop-reports-record-2008-more-stores-imminent

This Just In! Mike Fahey Continues To Be An Asshole!

Hey Mike, Gaston here again. The last time I supremely hated on you for something other than grammar or spelling was for your ridiculous stance on Sony pulling the Killzone ads in Canada. It's amazing that right as my blood finally started to dip under a simmer, you feel it necessary to post some heinously unrelated grouping of words that completely twists the theme of a game targeted to preteens.

Are you seriously this deprived in your sexual nature that you need to somehow turn Cooking Mama into a perverted hentai game, just to get some laughs from your braindead Kcommenters? Is this what you imagined growing up, going to school for journalism, (yeah right)? Have you been waiting for your moment to shine but instead of writing a solid piece of news, you just follow in the footsteps of Brian Asscraft and string together some sexual jokes?

Please, the next time you think it wise to infect the web with your crude writing, at least let it be about a game that isn't on the top of my 8 year old daughter's birthday list.

Go have fun sploshing with your fucking blowup doll you demented shit.

P.S. Alternate titles included Mike Fahey Attempts To Plant Brain, Fails, and I Can't Wait To Meet You In An Alley.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5170732/plant-your-seeds-in-gardening-mama-this-month

Mike Fahey, Please Take A Bullet To The Face

"I'm not sure what surprises me the most here. The fact that Sony actually capitulated, or the fact that a school teacher things Helghan looks like Iraq."

Thank you for completely missing the point, Mike. Next time you get the chance, could you do some worldly research about PTSS? And maybe, JUST MAYBE, be a little sympathetic to the poor child that most likely saw some "Menacing Head" blow the brains out of another soldier during the middle of some God-awful war that those innocent civilians never wanted to be a part of?

Go eat a bullet you insensitive prick.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5168672/toronto-killzone-2-ads-pulled-due-to-menacing-head