Three Strikes and You're Out, Brian!

I wish I had something witty for this one, but all I have are the first three articles that showed up at the top of Kotaku's shitty excuse for a gaming news site, all courtesy of our NIHON resident, Boring Asscraft.

1) http://kotaku.com/13-random-russians-that-look-like-famous-celebrities-1708663576
GREAT!! A post about an old post that was re-posted recently, so why not talk about it!? DUHHH. I'm a journalist of course!

2) http://kotaku.com/japanese-ice-cream-face-art-1708656823
Japanese topic. No brainer. I'm surprised Brian's wife taking a shit isn't a god damn headline yet.

3) http://kotaku.com/pikachu-is-selling-ketchup-in-japan-1708654268
Pikachu. Selling. Ketchup.

Let's refresh ourselves with Kotaku's mission statement:

"Thank you for reading Kotaku, a news and opinion site about games and things serious gamers care about. We’re here to inform you and, sometimes, entertain you."

Yeah. Serious gamers. Ketchup, ice cream, and Russian strangers. One thing's for sure, entertainment is about as present on this site as the proofreading abilities of Brian and Mike.

Source? http://kotaku.com/about

This Article Was Too Boring to Find Five Dollars

Thank you, kind sir, for providing us readers with another Mike Fahey masterpiece. Seriously, bravo. Your ability to take the most boring piece of "video game news" and surround it with a history lesson on Dolly, the cloned sheep, is truly incredible.

If you subtract all the fluff from your article you are left with this:

"A recent interview in Best Buy's official @Gamer Magazine reveals that plans for a Pokémon based on this loveable creature above were scrapped after being deemed too controversial. What's controversial about Dolly the sheep? She's a clone."

Cool story, bro.

Maybe one day I can start a website where I report on small news stories that I casually read in the grocery line at Ralph's, and then segue into some sci-fi piece of news that takes up 90% of the article. At least you spared us from posting a cell phone picture of the magazine article like your partner, Asscraft, does on a daily ba -- wait...

Wait a damn minute. You didn't even READ this fucking magazine news piece! You got this news from some awful, wiki-style website called BulbaNews.

Holy shit. Not even BulbaNews has the interview we want to read! How is this REPORTING? This is the OPPOSITE of reporting.

And just when I thought things couldn't get any less professional, your second "source" is A MOTHERFUCKING LINK TO THE SIGN-UP PAGE FOR @GAMERS MAGAZINE!

God fucking damn you. You make me so mad at myself for not having the balls to start a god damn website and make money off of awful, empty reporting.

Enjoy your paycheck, prick. I hope you get your asshole stretched out by a cloned bottle-nosed dolphin.

Source: http://kotaku.com/#!5758104/this-pokemon-was-too-controversial-to-live

Haru Cares - NO ONE.

Oh my shit did you seriously make a post on a gaming blog about a movie released on 24 screens IN JAPAN

YOU DID

And, you went so far as to illustrate your shitty point with two really superbly boring screencaptures!

Why did I click on the #haruhisuzumiya tag. I cannot believe you, a grown man, married to a Japanese woman, who lives in Japan, can care THAT MUCH ABOUT AN ANIMU GIRL

Source: http://kotaku.com/5474587/so-hows-the-haruhi-suzumiya-movie-doing

News Flash! Ashcraft lives in Japan!

GAMING BLOG

Kotaku is the only blog I've ever read (gaming or otherwise) that publishes all the inane emails that the "editors" write back and forth to each other. I know you're trying to artificially inflate your stupid post count, but do you really need to fill it with junk like this?

Who gives a fuck about you and your dumb Japanese lending experience? Nobody, that's who. Do you know how many of your readers are married American bloggers living in Japan and looking to buy property? Obviously you don't.

Don't you have a personal blog that you can post this garbage on? You know, one that doesn't try and sell itself as a gaming blog but instead comes off as a weeaboo's guide to everything Japanese that real gamers don't give two shits about? Have fun looking for a new dining table ya dumb bastard. I'm looking forward to a post about how yours are shorter than "Western" ones.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5193628/so-yeah-i-did-it-i-bought-a-piece-of-japan