Flashback Friday: Asscraft 'Oblivious' to Proofreading 11 Years Ago

When I found this blast from the past I questioned how I could have missed it, and I think the reason is because Asscraft was hiding his best work on the Australian sister site of Kotaku. But that's fine with me because what a treat to find it 11 years later! Welcome to Flashback Fridays! (You shut your mouth I am aware it is Sunday today, KAREN).

Sigh... the title alone warned me to get ready, and sure, I have definitely changed over the last 11 years and cringed at some of the stuff I've said in the past, but even 11 years ago this would have boiled my blood. But before we get to the best part, no Asscraft article exists without a lack of proofreading:

Ah, the irony! I'll take sentences that make no sense god I wish you put a modicum of effort in to reading them just one time after writing them for 800, Alex.

"The answer is: 'That doesn't mean that she was obvious to Chun-Li — she wasn't.'"

What is Brian Asscraft's obliviousness to the word oblivious?

"Great job, Gaston. You have control of the board!"

I'll take scumbag misogynists who live in Japan and won't stop talking about their Japanese wife and Japanese schoolgirls for 1000, Alex!

"And THAT'S' the Daily Double. This scumbag who lives in Japan and won't stop talking about their Japanese wife and Japanese schoolgirls wrote this shitty line 11 years ago instead of standing up for the actress and calling out any fucking weeaboo that thinks in this manner."

Who is Brian Asscraft!

"Right again, Gaston. Bonus points for the correct pronunciation of his last name too. You're in the lead!"

Source: https://www.kotaku.com.au/2009/02/chunli_movie_actress_has_only_played_street_fighter_once-2/

Kotaku Fails To Launch Line of PCs With Spell Check

Brian, I know working 4 hours a day as Editor in Chief takes up a lot of your Nippon culture-absorbing time to the point where you're typing these 'articles' with your left hand, polishing your Kurosawa nodachi with your right, and slapping Publish with your fucking gaijin topknot before re-reading your copy, so in a wacky universe where GJK doesn't exist it could maybe be understandable why some of your spelling and grammar errors slip through:

But we live in THIS universe and in THIS universe you still haven't proofread your shit for the last 10 years. For fuck's sake dude I just took two milliseconds out of my life and copy-pasted your sentence into a Gmail draft and it INSTANTLY told me something was awry:

Seriously, what fucking software do you pathetic excuse for writers use at Kotaku that you miss this kinda shit? Certainly must be some long making software (hehe). I really want to know. Do you just draft in notepad? Oh, sorry, 'noturopadu.' What happens when your ejaculate misses your napkin and hits your power strip, shorting it and causing your PC to restart? Do you lose everything you've written and just shrug it off like you're John Ritter on an episode of Three's Company because you know you can just slam your keyboard like a fucking LSD-tripping monkey and people will still read your garbage?

Maybe try composing your articles in Gmail from now on and save me from the inevitable aneurysm that has long BEEN forming in my skull from reading your shit.

Source: https://kotaku.com/konami-launches-a-line-of-gaming-pcs-1844541222

Proofread, Eh?

Maybe if you'd proofread, eh, your article wouldn't be about MULLETS. A good hockey wig could put this over the top, man.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5752045/japanese-homefront-might-make-a-villain-out-of-canada

You Have Should Proofread This

Do they conjugate that way in Japanese? Man, you guys suck.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5225824/metal-gear-solid-4-goes-budget-in-japan

The Just Keep Doing It

How many times do the have to make a mistake before the see what total and complete fuckups the are?! Also, what the fuck is that about it being the rhythm game era, because I don't know, shit like Parappa and Bust a Groove weren't popular in the mid-1990s. No one has played rhythm games until we started banging on plastic guitars! CHU CHU HEY HEY, asshole.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5221955/be-a-dj-on-your-ds

How Many People Want Kotaku Editor a Fired?

I've been away from GJK for awhile, busy with life, and to be completely honest, sick of Kotaku. I experienced some sort of burnout. I stopped reading, stopped checking... stopped caring. Sad really, because I remember laughing incredibly hard at the misfortune of Kotaku's staff.

But like a gift from the Gods, reading the new posts from my partners brought the bounce back into my step. A surge of some hope, that I could pick ANY article at random, and find a gem. I scrolled through the list of recent news and my eyes locked onto the gorgeous Orbital Frame from Zone of the Enders. I then noticed it was written by Brian Asscraft. God I wish I could place bets with these odds.

"ZoE spawned two three sequels as well as two anime."

Two three sequels?? Well which is it?!

"How many people really want Zone of the Enders a sequel?"

Nice.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5220446/kojima-productions-who-wants-zone-of-the-enders-3

Come On, Get Your Shit Together

The boy's what was found? Even when it comes to a serious story like this, you guys still manage to fuck something up. Unreal. I won't make light of the situation addressed in this article, but I will point out that if you want to try and defend gaming against the idiots that would blame it for this kind of incident, it's best not to look like idiots yourselves.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5214593/wrestling-video-game-blamed-for-childs-parachuting-death

Kotaku Rakes In The Shitty Proofreading

Seriously? Seriously. EIGHT HUNDRED SIXTY DOLLARS.

Great proofreading, you fucking excuse for a news blog!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5214468/blizzardvision-rakes-in-the-dough

Good Knight, Sweet Prince of Illiteracy

Nevermind the GI-FUCKING-GANTIC cell phone picture that you didn't even take the time to crop or scale down... but how about that last sentence of yours?

"an red-headed night"

Bravo, Brian. Bravo. Was "an auburn-headed knight" too complex for your wife to read?

Source: http://kotaku.com/5202786/first-peek-at-tales-of-vesperia-anime

Kotac Lays Out The Bad Spelling or The ABCs of Irony

I thought maybe I was missing something. Even though I'm a big fan of the Rock Band franchise, I thought that perhaps "Harmonic" was a fan-site or a Rock Band forum that I wasn't aware of. Nope, Mike just failed to spell the name of the developer wrong. The name of the developer that's clearly legible right there on the trailer.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5203436/rock-band-unplugged-trailer-shows-how-easy-love-can-be

Kotaku Is Realistically Pathetic

It's only a matter of time, I feel, before they find out about this blog and possibly curb their lack of proofreading. But by then I'll be rich and famous and shooting H inbetween my toes.

(This is funny if you know me in person and realize that the possibility of me doing H is greater than the possibility that Kotaku would ever start proofreading).

P.S. What I was to see WAS... or... What I WANT to see is. Pick one, Mike.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5200580/fight-night-4-is-realistically-slimy

America's Army 3: Are You Interested In Some of It Is Amazing Features?

And just when I thought you guys were going to run us out of business, you deliver this beautiful gem:

"If you're interested in reading up on how the game plays and some of it's amazing features, like tactical sound, realistic ricochet and how gravity effects the bullets your fire, make sure to check out our hands on with the game."

Thanks, Crecente. I can feed my starving mouth once again. It's very hungry. (See, I took two words, "it" and "is" and used an apostrophe to conjoin them together! ::winku:: )

Source: http://kotaku.com/5190957/americas-army-3-coming-to-steam

Goodniught, Sweet Prince

Normally I don't like to nitpick over the smaller mistake you idiots make, but really, over the course of weeks, days and niughts, it's amazing how much it adds up.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5185915/gamify-your-google-with-igoogle-game-themes

The Dictionary: Break One Out!

You know what I'm not going to let you get away with? That's right, not proofreading.

Why are you the worst writer ever, Mike Fahey? God damn it.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5185254/sex+rated-xbox-community-game-not-all-that-sexy

Holy Shit Brian, Please See A Doctor!

I am seriously worried about you. I'm hoping this is because of some GDC high, or maybe too many cocks in your mouth and hands as you type. That sentence is unbearable.

P.S. Holy fuck, I just re-read it after posting. I am flabbergasted.

P.P.S. Wow, me and Blake simulposted AGAIN. I love this blog.
Source: http://kotaku.com/5184511/hands-on-with-iphones-star-defense

It'd Be A Mean, Mean Person If I DIDN'T Make Fun Of You

Are you serious with that sentence? I mean, really. I guess I can accept the fact that none of you half-wits read your own posts, probably because you think you are god's gift to journalism, but what about reading your co-workers' posts? Is that too much to ask? How do you fucking morons miss this shit!?

Source: http://kotaku.com/5181625/see-onlive-in-action

Great Job, Kotaku Gives Mr. McWhertor 'A The' Chance To Proofread

Great Job! Your chance has expired!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5184375/come-touch-hideo-kojima-at-san-franciscos-apple-store

Hoepfully Mike Fahey Grows A Brain

I'm not holding my breath. ::sigh::

Source: http://kotaku.com/5183949/the-legend-of-zelda-spirit-tracks-coming-to-the-ds

How Is Babby Formed?

They need to do way instain mother!

Three in a row, Brian. Proofread your shit, you caveman.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5183260/the-brutal-art-of-brutal-legend

Crecente Gets Boner for id Software, Loses All Blood From His Head

My horrible day has been turned around! Thank you Brian for your unbelievable post. I think this is a record. All you need to do is read your own writing ONCE. Just ONCE, and you would fix these ridiculous errors.

God you're a fucking retard.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5183223/id-considering-enemy-territory-for-quake-live-treatment