Three Strikes and You're Out, Brian!

I wish I had something witty for this one, but all I have are the first three articles that showed up at the top of Kotaku's shitty excuse for a gaming news site, all courtesy of our NIHON resident, Boring Asscraft.

1) http://kotaku.com/13-random-russians-that-look-like-famous-celebrities-1708663576
GREAT!! A post about an old post that was re-posted recently, so why not talk about it!? DUHHH. I'm a journalist of course!

2) http://kotaku.com/japanese-ice-cream-face-art-1708656823
Japanese topic. No brainer. I'm surprised Brian's wife taking a shit isn't a god damn headline yet.

3) http://kotaku.com/pikachu-is-selling-ketchup-in-japan-1708654268
Pikachu. Selling. Ketchup.

Let's refresh ourselves with Kotaku's mission statement:

"Thank you for reading Kotaku, a news and opinion site about games and things serious gamers care about. We’re here to inform you and, sometimes, entertain you."

Yeah. Serious gamers. Ketchup, ice cream, and Russian strangers. One thing's for sure, entertainment is about as present on this site as the proofreading abilities of Brian and Mike.

Source? http://kotaku.com/about

This Article Was Too Boring to Find Five Dollars

Thank you, kind sir, for providing us readers with another Mike Fahey masterpiece. Seriously, bravo. Your ability to take the most boring piece of "video game news" and surround it with a history lesson on Dolly, the cloned sheep, is truly incredible.

If you subtract all the fluff from your article you are left with this:

"A recent interview in Best Buy's official @Gamer Magazine reveals that plans for a Pokémon based on this loveable creature above were scrapped after being deemed too controversial. What's controversial about Dolly the sheep? She's a clone."

Cool story, bro.

Maybe one day I can start a website where I report on small news stories that I casually read in the grocery line at Ralph's, and then segue into some sci-fi piece of news that takes up 90% of the article. At least you spared us from posting a cell phone picture of the magazine article like your partner, Asscraft, does on a daily ba -- wait...

Wait a damn minute. You didn't even READ this fucking magazine news piece! You got this news from some awful, wiki-style website called BulbaNews.

Holy shit. Not even BulbaNews has the interview we want to read! How is this REPORTING? This is the OPPOSITE of reporting.

And just when I thought things couldn't get any less professional, your second "source" is A MOTHERFUCKING LINK TO THE SIGN-UP PAGE FOR @GAMERS MAGAZINE!

God fucking damn you. You make me so mad at myself for not having the balls to start a god damn website and make money off of awful, empty reporting.

Enjoy your paycheck, prick. I hope you get your asshole stretched out by a cloned bottle-nosed dolphin.

Source: http://kotaku.com/#!5758104/this-pokemon-was-too-controversial-to-live

WARNING WARNING! Luke Knows Shit About Network Code!!

Man. There is nothing I hate more than someone who assumes something ridiculously complicated should be ridiculously simple. (That's not true. Drivers who don't use their turn signals, I hate more.)

Okay, sure, Sony is experiencing a major snafu this weekend with its online/offline game playing problem. To be honest, I had zero time to play my beloved Heavy Rain on either day to even notice this problem, but of course I have this disgusting urge to read Kotaku and "keep up with current events" if you will.

I'll spare the formalities and just jump to the meat.

Fuck you, Luke. The "design process" you are so non-chalantly referring to incorporates so many company facets and hundreds of thousands of lines of code that even trying to listen to a lead engineer give a simple overview would make your head spin.

If you knew about anything in the video game world you would take 3 seconds to realize that OFFLINE and ONLINE play are DIRECTLY related as a security measure against bootleggers and pirates. I bet you think game artists need to "tighten up the graphics of level 3" before Gold Disc submission. UGH.

I hate your bullshit reporting.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5482328/ps3s-suffering-from-global-network-lockdown

Nice To Meet You, Here Are Some Words, Pretend I Went To School And Graduated With A Degree Only To Be Pulling The Wool Over All Your Eyes

You know what would be a great reality show? BRIAN ASSCRAFT DOES JAPAN. You see, no reality show is ever profitable unless the main focus is on a complete and utter moron, (or, to be fair, a group of individuals being amazing). But since we know that Brian has no chance of being the latter, we could make our big bucks by focusing on his retardedness.
Actually, this is kind of similar to the whole Kotaku readership -> Brian's meaningless posts relationship. Brian gets paid to post absolutely ASANINE content, and we KEEP reading it. The human race is pretty amazing, but mainly horrendous, simply because the above statement is 100% our own fault.
It may seem like I am leading up to some huge insight to something, but really I'm not. I just wanted a nice buffer to prepare your mind for Brian:
"I don't know about elsewhere as I've never moved really in America!"
I never competed in NASCAR but I sure as hell know that those cars move really FAST.
"The plan is to introduce ourselves on either Saturday and Sunday to some of our neighbors (those living closest to us) and give them the towels."
WHOOOOOA. I feel like Neo taking the red pill! Those living closest to me are.... my neighbors? FUCKING WILD.
Source: http://kotaku.com/5222535/nice-to-meet-you-here-is-some-detergent-be-nice-to-me

Kotaku: List of Top 25 Most Popular iPhone Applications Contains 112 Games

25 < 112

Source: http://kotaku.com/5202061/tap-tap-revenge-top-tops-iphone-charts

Kotaku Is Full Of Shit, Doesn't Apologize

Article 1: Kotaku claims that Ghostbusters for the PSP is on its way thanks to their sniffing around the ESRB's dumpster or some shit.

Article 2: Kotaku reveals that Ghostbusters is NOT headed to the PSP because "Sometimes (the ESRB is) not such a great resource."

Article 3: Kotaku apologizes for lying to their readership by claiming that a game was destined for release simply from gleaning info from a sometimes unreliable source.

OH WAIT.

That last article doesn't exist because Kotaku is too fucking proud/lazy/incompetent to admit they made a mistake. Of course, rectifying every mistake Kotaku makes would be a lot of work. Hell, you could almost fill an entire blog with Kotaku's mistakes.

Sources:
http://kotaku.com/5193944/the-ghostbusters-coming-to-psp
http://kotaku.com/5197528/atari-busts-hopes-of-ghostbusters-for-psp

This Article So That I Want To Die

Listen, you piece of shit excuse for a writer, I can't read your mind OR YOUR WRITING so you are going to have to tell me what I am supposed to be noticing in this screenshot of a game that I can't read anything on.
First of all, why is it relevant to mention erotic games? OMG TEHH SEXXXXX
Then, are you trying to tell me that this batch of screenshots SHOWS something? Because you weren't even close. Heavy on what? Using the same piece of art on the top screen? I sure don't know any DS games that do that. Especially ones that we play, here, in the West.
Infinite Space? More like INFINITE DRIVEL. Goddamn Kotaku is such a horrible blog I can't believe that advertisers pay Gakwer any money or even can bear to have their ads on this neverending stream of Internet diarrhea.

MY POKEMONS LET ME SO YOU THEM

Source: http://kotaku.com/5194722/what-do-you-notice-about-these-ds-screenshots