How Many People Want Kotaku Editor a Fired?

I've been away from GJK for awhile, busy with life, and to be completely honest, sick of Kotaku. I experienced some sort of burnout. I stopped reading, stopped checking... stopped caring. Sad really, because I remember laughing incredibly hard at the misfortune of Kotaku's staff.

But like a gift from the Gods, reading the new posts from my partners brought the bounce back into my step. A surge of some hope, that I could pick ANY article at random, and find a gem. I scrolled through the list of recent news and my eyes locked onto the gorgeous Orbital Frame from Zone of the Enders. I then noticed it was written by Brian Asscraft. God I wish I could place bets with these odds.

"ZoE spawned two three sequels as well as two anime."

Two three sequels?? Well which is it?!

"How many people really want Zone of the Enders a sequel?"

Nice.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5220446/kojima-productions-who-wants-zone-of-the-enders-3

Good Knight, Sweet Prince of Illiteracy

Nevermind the GI-FUCKING-GANTIC cell phone picture that you didn't even take the time to crop or scale down... but how about that last sentence of yours?

"an red-headed night"

Bravo, Brian. Bravo. Was "an auburn-headed knight" too complex for your wife to read?

Source: http://kotaku.com/5202786/first-peek-at-tales-of-vesperia-anime

Kotaku Is Realistically Pathetic

It's only a matter of time, I feel, before they find out about this blog and possibly curb their lack of proofreading. But by then I'll be rich and famous and shooting H inbetween my toes.

(This is funny if you know me in person and realize that the possibility of me doing H is greater than the possibility that Kotaku would ever start proofreading).

P.S. What I was to see WAS... or... What I WANT to see is. Pick one, Mike.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5200580/fight-night-4-is-realistically-slimy

Goodniught, Sweet Prince

Normally I don't like to nitpick over the smaller mistake you idiots make, but really, over the course of weeks, days and niughts, it's amazing how much it adds up.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5185915/gamify-your-google-with-igoogle-game-themes

Holy Shit Brian, Please See A Doctor!

I am seriously worried about you. I'm hoping this is because of some GDC high, or maybe too many cocks in your mouth and hands as you type. That sentence is unbearable.

P.S. Holy fuck, I just re-read it after posting. I am flabbergasted.

P.P.S. Wow, me and Blake simulposted AGAIN. I love this blog.
Source: http://kotaku.com/5184511/hands-on-with-iphones-star-defense

It'd Be A Mean, Mean Person If I DIDN'T Make Fun Of You

Are you serious with that sentence? I mean, really. I guess I can accept the fact that none of you half-wits read your own posts, probably because you think you are god's gift to journalism, but what about reading your co-workers' posts? Is that too much to ask? How do you fucking morons miss this shit!?

Source: http://kotaku.com/5181625/see-onlive-in-action

While? Will? Potato, Potahto. It's The Periods That Matter!

No, I'm just kidding Who needs periods, right? Better yet who needs commas either or even apostrophes and question marks Its not like we cant perfectly read what someone is trying to say when they forget the most simplistic of things i know lets get rid of all capitalization too and then we can talk like every other single 18 year old piece of shit on the internet who somehow passed highschool and then got this stupid job writing ridiculous articles for a subpar but amazingly adored website

Source: http://kotaku.com/5183937/see-nintendo-demonstrate-rock-n-roll-climber

Crecente Gets Boner for id Software, Loses All Blood From His Head

My horrible day has been turned around! Thank you Brian for your unbelievable post. I think this is a record. All you need to do is read your own writing ONCE. Just ONCE, and you would fix these ridiculous errors.

God you're a fucking retard.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5183223/id-considering-enemy-territory-for-quake-live-treatment

Well, At Least You Spelled San Francisco Properly This Time

Yay, Brian, you're learning! Oh wait. :/

Source: http://kotaku.com/5176889/game-developers-conference-its-on

Teeming With Life or Teeming With Lye?

Seriously... no sarcasm whatsoever. Considering you are describing the city's ability to look good or evil, "teeming with life" and "teeming with lye" can both work. It's just a damn shame none of you ever proofread your writing and gaurantee us some solid journalism.

Okay so I'm stretching with the whole 'lye is evil' thing, but you get my point! We don't have 70+ posts in 2 weeks because we're making this shit up.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5183004/be-good-be-evil-in-infamous

Are Blue The Third Is Red, Confesses Crecente!

I love how the lack of a single comma can make the most professional journalists appear like complete jackasses.

Ha! I said professional. I slay myself.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5182346/impressions-split-second-blends-well+timed-destruction-racing

Fatties Unable To Signal End Of Wii eBay Hunting, Fahey Says

In a stunning article today, Mike Fahey bashes overweight people by not including them in the signaling of an end to ebay tracking available Wii's. Simply abhorent.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5175088/gamestop-wii-supply-finally-meets-wii-demand

Tapping Is Like, Ohmigod, Like, Soooo Passe!

Normally I would forgive someone for such heinous writing skills at 4:00am, but we have to remember that Brian Asscraft is in Japan, (how could we not remember that guy tellsuseveryfuckingchancehegets!!!), and that 4:00am for us is actually mid-afternoon for him. Let's review:

"Of course, the game is a touch screen game, so fingers tap the screen is expected. But to this degree, like where it's kinda hard to see what's going on at times? Shame that your thumbs keep getting in the way."

First off, it's 'tapping'. Fingers tapping the screen is expected. This is then followed up with 'but to this degree, like where it's kinda hard to see...' Like, omigod, like, I caaan't believe it, Crecente! Do you like, think he likes me, or only like, kindaaaaa likes me!? OMIGOD! ^_^

Source: http://kotaku.com/5173068/metal-gear-solid-touch-is-thumby

Empire: Total War, It Is Reign Continues

Kotaku's inability to correctly use apostrophes continues as well! Read a book, Luke! Ugh.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5172811/pc-sales-charts-the-imperial-march

Brian Asscraft Hints At Drinking On The Job

You're right, Brian, making video games is no walk in the park. Guess what is super easy though?

PROOFREADING YOUR SHIT WRITING!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5172743/fable-caused-burn-out-games-developer-got-bad-ideas-while-drinking

Guinness Ignores Math, Crecente Doesn't Mind!

Good to know the stiff upper lip of records and number keeping put away their calculator for the night. Luckily, I have one on hand! (Hint: It's my 2nd grade math brain!)

Let's see heeeeeere.... "On April 29, 2008, Grand Theft Auto IV generated $310 million of sales worldwide in one day, five times the revenue generated by The Dark Knight in its first 24 hours of release."

Five times you say? Hmmmm.... The average movie ticket price is $10 to $12 dollars (¥1000 to ¥1200 yen, in case you are reading, Mr. Asscraft), and the current price for a brand new video game is $60 dollars. Stay with me kiddies, here is where we have to use our left side! Who here can tell me how many times 12 goes into 60? Very GOOD, Brian. The answer is 5!

tl;dr - Customer numbers were the same, you idiot.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5167955/guinness-list-of-resident-evil-and-grand-theft-auto-records