Flashback Friday: Asscraft 'Oblivious' to Proofreading 11 Years Ago

When I found this blast from the past I questioned how I could have missed it, and I think the reason is because Asscraft was hiding his best work on the Australian sister site of Kotaku. But that's fine with me because what a treat to find it 11 years later! Welcome to Flashback Fridays! (You shut your mouth I am aware it is Sunday today, KAREN).

Sigh... the title alone warned me to get ready, and sure, I have definitely changed over the last 11 years and cringed at some of the stuff I've said in the past, but even 11 years ago this would have boiled my blood. But before we get to the best part, no Asscraft article exists without a lack of proofreading:

Ah, the irony! I'll take sentences that make no sense god I wish you put a modicum of effort in to reading them just one time after writing them for 800, Alex.

"The answer is: 'That doesn't mean that she was obvious to Chun-Li — she wasn't.'"

What is Brian Asscraft's obliviousness to the word oblivious?

"Great job, Gaston. You have control of the board!"

I'll take scumbag misogynists who live in Japan and won't stop talking about their Japanese wife and Japanese schoolgirls for 1000, Alex!

"And THAT'S' the Daily Double. This scumbag who lives in Japan and won't stop talking about their Japanese wife and Japanese schoolgirls wrote this shitty line 11 years ago instead of standing up for the actress and calling out any fucking weeaboo that thinks in this manner."

Who is Brian Asscraft!

"Right again, Gaston. Bonus points for the correct pronunciation of his last name too. You're in the lead!"

Source: https://www.kotaku.com.au/2009/02/chunli_movie_actress_has_only_played_street_fighter_once-2/

Kotaku Fails To Launch Line of PCs With Spell Check

Brian, I know working 4 hours a day as Editor in Chief takes up a lot of your Nippon culture-absorbing time to the point where you're typing these 'articles' with your left hand, polishing your Kurosawa nodachi with your right, and slapping Publish with your fucking gaijin topknot before re-reading your copy, so in a wacky universe where GJK doesn't exist it could maybe be understandable why some of your spelling and grammar errors slip through:

But we live in THIS universe and in THIS universe you still haven't proofread your shit for the last 10 years. For fuck's sake dude I just took two milliseconds out of my life and copy-pasted your sentence into a Gmail draft and it INSTANTLY told me something was awry:

Seriously, what fucking software do you pathetic excuse for writers use at Kotaku that you miss this kinda shit? Certainly must be some long making software (hehe). I really want to know. Do you just draft in notepad? Oh, sorry, 'noturopadu.' What happens when your ejaculate misses your napkin and hits your power strip, shorting it and causing your PC to restart? Do you lose everything you've written and just shrug it off like you're John Ritter on an episode of Three's Company because you know you can just slam your keyboard like a fucking LSD-tripping monkey and people will still read your garbage?

Maybe try composing your articles in Gmail from now on and save me from the inevitable aneurysm that has long BEEN forming in my skull from reading your shit.

Source: https://kotaku.com/konami-launches-a-line-of-gaming-pcs-1844541222

Resident Cheese Beef Bowl Face Brian Asscraft Apologizes For Not Being Cool

Just kidding, he'll never do that because he's never going to start proofreading. Admit it, I got you with that clickbait didn't I? 

PLAYERZ. With a Z, Brian. Come on.

An apology? Apologies? Sega apologized? Wow, look at that. This writing stuff is easy. Maybe I should make content for a blog. Oh wait.

PROOFREAD YOUR SHIT, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

Oh and secondly, it doesn't matter that Nagoshi is a SEGA exec, you god damn twerp, you shouldn't say those kind of things no matter who you are! (Unless you are a wonderful staff member of GJK specifically targeting terrible game "journalism" blogs). GOODBYE.

Source: https://kotaku.com/sega-apologies-after-producer-uses-slang-to-mock-puzzle-1844568653

Purposeful Engrish? Or Actual Wapanese Conversion??

I'd like to quote a famous married couple to start off my emotions on this one:

"DIS SHIT DON'T STOP! WE AT IT AGAIN!"

Never mind fact that this considered "news" for game journalist website. Never mind fact that only 1% of Kotaku's readership is live in Japan. Never mind fact that no one care about operating system for store. It is problem when paid journalist cannot write for garbage, when write about garbage.

See what I did there? I recycled that shit. (OH WE AT IT AGAIN!)

Three seconds, Brian. Three seconds to quickly re-read your post and presto, errors fixed. Instead you just come off as a god damn illiterate hack that would rather use those three seconds to jerk off to anime statues until wifey gets home.

Source: http://kotaku.com/pokemon-center-runs-on-windows-7-1708135093

Kotaku has bad relatively grammar

You guys and your mistaken obviously word rearrangements. How can you write up such a simple painfully sentence and screw it up? Reading this blog is like pouring hot extremely lemon juice in my eyes while someone pounds a nail through my large amazingly dick.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5197621/alpha-protocol-obsidian-evolves

America's Army 3: Are You Interested In Some of It Is Amazing Features?

And just when I thought you guys were going to run us out of business, you deliver this beautiful gem:

"If you're interested in reading up on how the game plays and some of it's amazing features, like tactical sound, realistic ricochet and how gravity effects the bullets your fire, make sure to check out our hands on with the game."

Thanks, Crecente. I can feed my starving mouth once again. It's very hungry. (See, I took two words, "it" and "is" and used an apostrophe to conjoin them together! ::winku:: )

Source: http://kotaku.com/5190957/americas-army-3-coming-to-steam

Brian Crecente is making my life difficult

Man, we were going through a drought there over the weekend. Owen "writes kinda" Good made me think for a second that you guys might actually be catching on. Thankfully though, Crecente stepped in this morning and set things right. Er, wrong.

Seriously though Brian, if you're gonna make three obvious errors in the same story, can you at least have the decency to put them all close together? Your errors are so widespread that I had to screencap them three times. I'm starting to think you're doing this on purpose so we'll get lazy and skip stuff like this. Wait, you guys are far too stupid for such a clever plan. Nevermind.I discovered that you don't know your tenses.
So, id is incorporating this veil into every multiplayer game ever? That's a tall order. On a related note, I think I might start putting my adjectives after my nouns too. It makes me sound old-timey when I'm making fun of the websites ridiculous.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5190809/wolfenstein-lifts-the-veil

The Dictionary: Break One Out!

You know what I'm not going to let you get away with? That's right, not proofreading.

Why are you the worst writer ever, Mike Fahey? God damn it.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5185254/sex+rated-xbox-community-game-not-all-that-sexy

Holy Shit Brian, Please See A Doctor!

I am seriously worried about you. I'm hoping this is because of some GDC high, or maybe too many cocks in your mouth and hands as you type. That sentence is unbearable.

P.S. Holy fuck, I just re-read it after posting. I am flabbergasted.

P.P.S. Wow, me and Blake simulposted AGAIN. I love this blog.
Source: http://kotaku.com/5184511/hands-on-with-iphones-star-defense

It'd Be A Mean, Mean Person If I DIDN'T Make Fun Of You

Are you serious with that sentence? I mean, really. I guess I can accept the fact that none of you half-wits read your own posts, probably because you think you are god's gift to journalism, but what about reading your co-workers' posts? Is that too much to ask? How do you fucking morons miss this shit!?

Source: http://kotaku.com/5181625/see-onlive-in-action

Great Job, Kotaku Gives Mr. McWhertor 'A The' Chance To Proofread

Great Job! Your chance has expired!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5184375/come-touch-hideo-kojima-at-san-franciscos-apple-store

Crecente Gets Boner for id Software, Loses All Blood From His Head

My horrible day has been turned around! Thank you Brian for your unbelievable post. I think this is a record. All you need to do is read your own writing ONCE. Just ONCE, and you would fix these ridiculous errors.

God you're a fucking retard.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5183223/id-considering-enemy-territory-for-quake-live-treatment

Are Blue The Third Is Red, Confesses Crecente!

I love how the lack of a single comma can make the most professional journalists appear like complete jackasses.

Ha! I said professional. I slay myself.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5182346/impressions-split-second-blends-well+timed-destruction-racing

Series Touted For It Is Technical Proficiency

Find out if a website touted for its journalistic excellence and high standards for grammar can thrive under the scrunity of Great Job, Kotaku.

Spoiler: IT FUCKING CAN'T!

P.S. This is the third post specifically referencing Mike Fahey's inability to use the apostrophe correctly.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5173357/frankenreview-grand-theft-auto-chinatown-wars

Mike Fahey Confuses Me On A Daily Basis

HUH? (Man, I really hate it when I am so stumped I can't even think of anything funny).

Source: http://kotaku.com/5173779/city-of-heroes-mission-architect-hits-beta-servers

Tapping Is Like, Ohmigod, Like, Soooo Passe!

Normally I would forgive someone for such heinous writing skills at 4:00am, but we have to remember that Brian Asscraft is in Japan, (how could we not remember that guy tellsuseveryfuckingchancehegets!!!), and that 4:00am for us is actually mid-afternoon for him. Let's review:

"Of course, the game is a touch screen game, so fingers tap the screen is expected. But to this degree, like where it's kinda hard to see what's going on at times? Shame that your thumbs keep getting in the way."

First off, it's 'tapping'. Fingers tapping the screen is expected. This is then followed up with 'but to this degree, like where it's kinda hard to see...' Like, omigod, like, I caaan't believe it, Crecente! Do you like, think he likes me, or only like, kindaaaaa likes me!? OMIGOD! ^_^

Source: http://kotaku.com/5173068/metal-gear-solid-touch-is-thumby

Empire: Total War, It Is Reign Continues

Kotaku's inability to correctly use apostrophes continues as well! Read a book, Luke! Ugh.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5172811/pc-sales-charts-the-imperial-march

Kotaku References Wordsmiths, I Instantly Choke From Laughter

I don't think it could be any more perfect than this. Thank you Michael McWhertor. I have been waiting for this moment.

"Sony will let wordsmiths buy not one just one vowel, but seven, as Wheel of Fortune arrives on the North American PlayStation Store this Thursday."

...wordsmiths buy not one just one...

...wordsmiths buy not one just one...

...wordsmiths buy not one just one...

...wordsmiths buy not one just one...

...wordsmiths buy not one just one...

Source: http://kotaku.com/5172483/wheel-of-fortune-spins-on-playstation-network-thursday

Voice Of Character Brian Kotaku

I really don't understand your sentence structure. Does living in Japan cause your brain to type in Engrish? Do you do it on purpose so people say to themselves, "Wow, his Japanese wife in Japan really has influenced his English way of speaking when submitting articles from Japan"?

Fuck man, maybe you went to a different school where they teach Martian grammar, but any normal human being can read that sentence and say, 'hey, something is wrong with how this sounds in my head!'

Source: http://kotaku.com/5170422/metal-gear-solid-4-voice-actor-makes-hollywood-production-company

Continuing In It Is Tradition, Kotaku Sucks With Grammar

Are you KIDDING me?!

IT IS?

IT IS?

IT IS?

Go back to school! I am begging you!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5170505/house-of-the-dead-overkill-breaks-f+ing-record