Mike Fahey is Beyond Heinous, Ironic

In a world where Lindsay Lohan's white courtroom dress, (read: whore costume), draws more attention than the 1200 planets recently discovered by NASA's Kepler spacecraft, I've come to expect the worst things out of the media and the people who read it.

I guess I had a lapse in maintaining my expectation when I clicked on Kotaku today. You see, some dormant part of me still hopes and prays that one day Kotaku will not be an embarrassment to video game players everywhere. That maybe one day Mike Fahey will actually think before he clicks 'post', or perhaps gain a shred of literary intelligence by reading a book, a magazine, or even a cocktail napkin with some words on it.

That hope is now gone.

Hey Mike, would you like to know a shitty way to teach a child a new word? Reading Kotaku's god damn front page that is NSFW, you fucking cunt. Having a NSFW tag is absolutely useless when your fucking FRONT PAGE has the word "shitty" written on. Now my nine year old daughter is aware of this word and I get to sit and hope she doesn't accidentally use it at school when I'm not around to tell her it's wrong.

Fuck you. I hope you get raped by a chimp.

P.S. I'm allowed to curse this much because this blog isn't a 'journalistic' website with 50k views a day.

Source: http://kotaku.com/#!5757100/this-is-a-shitty-way-to-teach-a-child-new-words

NSFW T&A & GJK & FU

Hey, thanks you worthless fucks. It'd be nice to scroll through your site without fear of coming across four tits or a CGI ass once in a while. It'd be even nicer if they weren't within four posts of each other. Now, don't get me wrong. I love Jane's Addiction and tits and asses. What I don't like is getting the Nth degree from my boss when he sees them on my monitor at work.

Sources: http://kotaku.com/5226327/its-good-to-be-the-saboteur and http://kotaku.com/5226082/nothings-shocking-in-next-weeks-rock-band-update

Nice To Meet You, Here Are Some Words, Pretend I Went To School And Graduated With A Degree Only To Be Pulling The Wool Over All Your Eyes

You know what would be a great reality show? BRIAN ASSCRAFT DOES JAPAN. You see, no reality show is ever profitable unless the main focus is on a complete and utter moron, (or, to be fair, a group of individuals being amazing). But since we know that Brian has no chance of being the latter, we could make our big bucks by focusing on his retardedness.
Actually, this is kind of similar to the whole Kotaku readership -> Brian's meaningless posts relationship. Brian gets paid to post absolutely ASANINE content, and we KEEP reading it. The human race is pretty amazing, but mainly horrendous, simply because the above statement is 100% our own fault.
It may seem like I am leading up to some huge insight to something, but really I'm not. I just wanted a nice buffer to prepare your mind for Brian:
"I don't know about elsewhere as I've never moved really in America!"
I never competed in NASCAR but I sure as hell know that those cars move really FAST.
"The plan is to introduce ourselves on either Saturday and Sunday to some of our neighbors (those living closest to us) and give them the towels."
WHOOOOOA. I feel like Neo taking the red pill! Those living closest to me are.... my neighbors? FUCKING WILD.
Source: http://kotaku.com/5222535/nice-to-meet-you-here-is-some-detergent-be-nice-to-me

Holy Shit Brian, Please See A Doctor!

I am seriously worried about you. I'm hoping this is because of some GDC high, or maybe too many cocks in your mouth and hands as you type. That sentence is unbearable.

P.S. Holy fuck, I just re-read it after posting. I am flabbergasted.

P.P.S. Wow, me and Blake simulposted AGAIN. I love this blog.
Source: http://kotaku.com/5184511/hands-on-with-iphones-star-defense

When typing the how when who into with what I hate you stupid jerks.

My nose started bleeding when I tried to make sense of this paragraph. That second sentence quite literally made me yell out loud in frustration. How can you let this slide, Brian? How in the ever living fuck you 'tards can even manage to turn a computer on, let alone convince someone to pay you for this is nothing short of a goddamn miracle. It's fucked up. ALMOST as fucked up as that second sentence.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5184511/hands-on-with-iphones-star-defense

Watch Out! Tit Jokes NSFW

Thank you so much Mr. Asscraft, for your lastest gem, for I had been fearing the loss of my wit. Your taste for the classy has surpassed my greatest expectations, and your stream of pun after pun of tit jokes has sent me back to the primordial ooze of imagination, where I float, ready to write my greatest novel...

Oh hell. IT'S A FUCKING ANIME. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

P.S. Cartoons of completely clothed female characters with larger than average breasts are entirely safe for work! Hats off to your keyword.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5167815/somethings-about-the-valkyria-chronicles-anime-is-different-but-what