Flashback Friday: Asscraft 'Oblivious' to Proofreading 11 Years Ago

When I found this blast from the past I questioned how I could have missed it, and I think the reason is because Asscraft was hiding his best work on the Australian sister site of Kotaku. But that's fine with me because what a treat to find it 11 years later! Welcome to Flashback Fridays! (You shut your mouth I am aware it is Sunday today, KAREN).

Sigh... the title alone warned me to get ready, and sure, I have definitely changed over the last 11 years and cringed at some of the stuff I've said in the past, but even 11 years ago this would have boiled my blood. But before we get to the best part, no Asscraft article exists without a lack of proofreading:

Ah, the irony! I'll take sentences that make no sense god I wish you put a modicum of effort in to reading them just one time after writing them for 800, Alex.

"The answer is: 'That doesn't mean that she was obvious to Chun-Li — she wasn't.'"

What is Brian Asscraft's obliviousness to the word oblivious?

"Great job, Gaston. You have control of the board!"

I'll take scumbag misogynists who live in Japan and won't stop talking about their Japanese wife and Japanese schoolgirls for 1000, Alex!

"And THAT'S' the Daily Double. This scumbag who lives in Japan and won't stop talking about their Japanese wife and Japanese schoolgirls wrote this shitty line 11 years ago instead of standing up for the actress and calling out any fucking weeaboo that thinks in this manner."

Who is Brian Asscraft!

"Right again, Gaston. Bonus points for the correct pronunciation of his last name too. You're in the lead!"

Source: https://www.kotaku.com.au/2009/02/chunli_movie_actress_has_only_played_street_fighter_once-2/

Anime, Boobs Anime Boobs Waifu Anime

THESE THINGS WRITE THEMSELVES

You would. You fucking would.

Asscraft choosing his news stories to write, a short play:

::Asscraft is sitting alone on the floor of a tiny room crammed with anime figures and Naruto books or whatever weeaboo shit was cool five years ago ::
// His eyes light up, a new email! //
Oh, hooray, the news oni have smiled upon me again. Oh this is PERFECT for my readership! A life-sized anime statue? How unique! How remarkable! What perfect craftsmanship and oh so newsworthy.

::Asscraft begins typing furiously::
:: He ejaculates on keyboard::
::He presses Publish::

.. FIN ..

Readers, we love you too.

You feel us. Enjoy these choice keywords pulled from our Google analytics.We've lost a good chunk of our previous targets, but oh you're still our meal ticket. For Pocky. KAWAIIII

News Flash: Big Titted Video Game Character Figures!

Bad grammar, unnecessarily sexual content, and Japanese products that are nearly irrelevant to the average American gamer. The Trifecta of Fuckup rears its ugly head again.

Luke, the only thing worse than some weirdo meticulously documenting the tits on an action figure is you reposting it as news. Yes, there are goons out there that beat off to the $200 statuettes that clutter their sticky computer desk. No, nobody wants to read about it.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5488020/another-busty-valkyria-chronicles-figure-sure-why-not/gallery/

You Have Should Proofread This

Do they conjugate that way in Japanese? Man, you guys suck.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5225824/metal-gear-solid-4-goes-budget-in-japan

Yeah, Thank Goodness.

Oh, good. I'm glad Cave is porting Mushihime-sama Futari, because when I've played 5pb's ports I've notiOH WAIT WE CAN'T PLAY THOSE GAMES HERE IN "THE WEST."

I normally wouldn't go out of my way to post more "onry in Japan" bullshit, but something's fishy about this one. Could it be that it was posted because Cave is the developer behind everyone's favorite big squishy tits loli shooter DeathSmiles? KAWAII! ^-^!!!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5222247/developer-continues-to-struggle-with-shooter-ports

EGL Boner

Yes, a Gothic Lolita shooter is a novelty. I get it. What I don't get is why there are no less than TEN stories about this series in the last six months. There's even one about boob mousepads. Classy, guys.

Why don't you post some trailers or boob mousepads for a game that 99% of your readership CAN ACTUALLY PURCHASE. It's funny, when I search your site for Henry Hatsworth, a game that's been getting a lot of attention lately by real bloggers, I get TWO results. Maybe if Henry were an underage girl with huge squishy tits instead of a frumpy old Englishman, you guys would post more about him.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5222114/new-gothic-lolita-shooter-trailer

Nice To Meet You, Here Are Some Words, Pretend I Went To School And Graduated With A Degree Only To Be Pulling The Wool Over All Your Eyes

You know what would be a great reality show? BRIAN ASSCRAFT DOES JAPAN. You see, no reality show is ever profitable unless the main focus is on a complete and utter moron, (or, to be fair, a group of individuals being amazing). But since we know that Brian has no chance of being the latter, we could make our big bucks by focusing on his retardedness.
Actually, this is kind of similar to the whole Kotaku readership -> Brian's meaningless posts relationship. Brian gets paid to post absolutely ASANINE content, and we KEEP reading it. The human race is pretty amazing, but mainly horrendous, simply because the above statement is 100% our own fault.
It may seem like I am leading up to some huge insight to something, but really I'm not. I just wanted a nice buffer to prepare your mind for Brian:
"I don't know about elsewhere as I've never moved really in America!"
I never competed in NASCAR but I sure as hell know that those cars move really FAST.
"The plan is to introduce ourselves on either Saturday and Sunday to some of our neighbors (those living closest to us) and give them the towels."
WHOOOOOA. I feel like Neo taking the red pill! Those living closest to me are.... my neighbors? FUCKING WILD.
Source: http://kotaku.com/5222535/nice-to-meet-you-here-is-some-detergent-be-nice-to-me

Maximum Shitty

Is it possible to SUSPENSE a girl upside down? Maybe. Regardless, this is perfect example of Kotaku at IT IS worst.

Irrelevant: check
Bad grammar: check
Not really news, just jackoff material: check

Congrats on the trifecta of fuckup, Brian.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5215855/upskirts-no-you-mean-upside-down-skirts

Thanks For Letting Me Know

I'm glad you included that little disclaimer at the end, asshat. It would be a shame for your Japanese readership (less than 1%) to get their hopes up only to discover that there isn't a Pokémon x-ray machine in their hospital.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5214361/the-pokemon-x+ray-machine

Whele's Wardo

Ah, a list of difficult games. Sounds like an interesting enough top 25. BTW, here's a picture of some japanese guy that you may or may not recognize. Ignore the fact that there's no mention of him anywhere in the article. Just imagine he's there like some kind of easter egg, and if you can find him, you with the gurando no puraizu.
source: http://kotaku.com/5211094/these-games-are-hard

FFVII new and improved international version. Wait a minute...

Hot off the presses, final fantasy 7 is available for download for japanese PSN account holders. This isn't that terrible a news story, as a lot of neat downloads are often only available to select regions at first. What DOES make this story terrible is that this fucktwat is telling his 99% american audience about the new features in this special "international version" that is actually just THE REBRANDED AMERICAN VERSION. WE SAW THIS SHIT 12 YEARS AGO. Oh, and thanks for telling me the price in yen you god damn dickfuck.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5206591/play-final-fantasy-vii-on-your-ps3-now

Good Knight, Sweet Prince of Illiteracy

Nevermind the GI-FUCKING-GANTIC cell phone picture that you didn't even take the time to crop or scale down... but how about that last sentence of yours?

"an red-headed night"

Bravo, Brian. Bravo. Was "an auburn-headed knight" too complex for your wife to read?

Source: http://kotaku.com/5202786/first-peek-at-tales-of-vesperia-anime

Japan: A World Without Scanners

I'm sad to report that there are NO WORKING SCANNERS IN ALL OF JAPAN. The only way that residents of the most technologically advanced society on earth can capture the printed word digitally, is to photograph it with their 30 megapixel cameraphones. Unfortunately, our country's bandwidth is unable to cope with such large images, so smaller versions of these images are frequently displayed on American websites. Most style guides will dictate that because the vast majority of our nation cannot read the Japanese language, these small images serve as an appropriate source for the accompanying article.

tl:dr Bash-hole posted a thumbnail of a photo of a magazine that we can't read and called it news.




Source: http://kotaku.com/5202995/eagerly-awaited-koei-ps3-title-still-in-development

More like BORE-OPHYLL

Right like you fucktards that wank it to girls in cat ears are not going to buy this game because the girls are "expressionless." Admit it, you like that dead-eyed stare.



Why did you feel the need to post the same screencaps like a dozen times? Are you really illustrating your point more effectively, that the unreleased game might be boring?

Source: http://kotaku.com/5202788/banana-eating-cat-ear-ps3-game-not-expressive

It burns when I pee, also when I read kotaku

This one falls into two categories. First there's the gripe I had before about the pictures being too god damn big. There's no room for the actual content of the news story because the picture takes up my entire fucking browser. If the news story was about, say, tales of vesperia screenshots, then I might be ok with it. It's NOT about that though. The game has been out for some 9 months so we're all well aware what it looks like. This is just naming off differences between the xbox version and the ps3 port (Also, thanks for telling me about the anime tie-in, there, buddy ^_-).
Secondly, and this is the one that pisses me off the most, is the content of the screenshot itself. As I said before, tales of vesperia has been out in the USA since august, so WHY IN FUCK'S NAME IS THIS JACKHOLE USING A SCREENSHOT FROM THE JAPANESE VERSION?! You know, he could have at least taken a screenshot from any portion of the japanese version, including the 8 hojillion publicity action shots, or he could have just done a google image search (which yields almost all english results, btw). But, no, he HAD to take a screenshot that featured japanese text just so he could show off how chingchongy and wingwongy he was.

source: http://kotaku.com/5201634/whats-new-about-ps3-tales-of-vesperia

Let's Fighting Love

Let's Not Bother Reporting News
Let's Just Post A Video Clip Of A Game You Westerners Can't Buy

Wonderful penis thing
There are hairs at balls
That's sound of Monkey-like Cunt
No! Ninjas are here!
Hey hey let's! Lets fight!
This is important. Protect my balls!
I'm badass. So let's fighting
Let's fighting love!
Let's fighting love!
This song is a bit stupid
This doesn't make sense.
English is all fucked up
It's okay--we do it all the time!
Hey hey let's go!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5199585/lets-check-out-gothic-lolita-shooter-for-xbox-360

Classic Cock

Sometimes you don't need fancy gimmicks or crazy metaphors to be pissed off at asscraft. This is one of those classic timeless examples that never ceases to piss me off. Any normal reporter would link to the notice and tell you the translation, but this classless egotistical fuck sees fit to post a picture of the japanese that he just happens to know how to read. Suck my dick you son of a bitch

Source: http://kotaku.com/5196756/konami-ps3-baseball-game-goes-offline-the-end

News Flash! Ashcraft lives in Japan!

GAMING BLOG

Kotaku is the only blog I've ever read (gaming or otherwise) that publishes all the inane emails that the "editors" write back and forth to each other. I know you're trying to artificially inflate your stupid post count, but do you really need to fill it with junk like this?

Who gives a fuck about you and your dumb Japanese lending experience? Nobody, that's who. Do you know how many of your readers are married American bloggers living in Japan and looking to buy property? Obviously you don't.

Don't you have a personal blog that you can post this garbage on? You know, one that doesn't try and sell itself as a gaming blog but instead comes off as a weeaboo's guide to everything Japanese that real gamers don't give two shits about? Have fun looking for a new dining table ya dumb bastard. I'm looking forward to a post about how yours are shorter than "Western" ones.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5193628/so-yeah-i-did-it-i-bought-a-piece-of-japan

Brian Ashcraft is nearly 100 percent a failure

I drop shadows like MCA drops beats.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5191628/final-fantasy-xiii-uses-nearly-100-percent-of-ps3-power