Three Strikes and You're Out, Brian!

I wish I had something witty for this one, but all I have are the first three articles that showed up at the top of Kotaku's shitty excuse for a gaming news site, all courtesy of our NIHON resident, Boring Asscraft.

1) http://kotaku.com/13-random-russians-that-look-like-famous-celebrities-1708663576
GREAT!! A post about an old post that was re-posted recently, so why not talk about it!? DUHHH. I'm a journalist of course!

2) http://kotaku.com/japanese-ice-cream-face-art-1708656823
Japanese topic. No brainer. I'm surprised Brian's wife taking a shit isn't a god damn headline yet.

3) http://kotaku.com/pikachu-is-selling-ketchup-in-japan-1708654268
Pikachu. Selling. Ketchup.

Let's refresh ourselves with Kotaku's mission statement:

"Thank you for reading Kotaku, a news and opinion site about games and things serious gamers care about. We’re here to inform you and, sometimes, entertain you."

Yeah. Serious gamers. Ketchup, ice cream, and Russian strangers. One thing's for sure, entertainment is about as present on this site as the proofreading abilities of Brian and Mike.

Source? http://kotaku.com/about

Oh good, a post on Japanese fashion!!

Written by an American man!
Illustrated with cell phone photos from other sites!
No input from anyone who is/has/ever wore this fashion trend!
So relevant!
So fashion!

Is this a picture of a goddamn TV?

I love how he is all like "if you were in Japan in the 90s you saw these" then goes on to talk about how they became so ubiquitous that they were in all sorts of media. But YOU HAD TO BE THERE TO SEE THE SOCKS, LISTEN.

Source: http://kotaku.com/the-return-of-those-infamous-japanese-schoolgirl-socks-1450614462

Everything Is Better In Japan

EVEN THE INTERNET

Because, according to Asscraft, rumors are circulating on the JAPANESE INTERNET

Clearly superior to the slow, fat, lazy American Internet!

Is there a point where his ridiculous attitude towards Japan/America constitutes racism? Nah, I won't play that card yet. Because I'm sure we'll get the chance later.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5474554/dont-worry-about-final-fantasy-xi-just-yet

EGL Boner

Yes, a Gothic Lolita shooter is a novelty. I get it. What I don't get is why there are no less than TEN stories about this series in the last six months. There's even one about boob mousepads. Classy, guys.

Why don't you post some trailers or boob mousepads for a game that 99% of your readership CAN ACTUALLY PURCHASE. It's funny, when I search your site for Henry Hatsworth, a game that's been getting a lot of attention lately by real bloggers, I get TWO results. Maybe if Henry were an underage girl with huge squishy tits instead of a frumpy old Englishman, you guys would post more about him.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5222114/new-gothic-lolita-shooter-trailer

Nice To Meet You, Here Are Some Words, Pretend I Went To School And Graduated With A Degree Only To Be Pulling The Wool Over All Your Eyes

You know what would be a great reality show? BRIAN ASSCRAFT DOES JAPAN. You see, no reality show is ever profitable unless the main focus is on a complete and utter moron, (or, to be fair, a group of individuals being amazing). But since we know that Brian has no chance of being the latter, we could make our big bucks by focusing on his retardedness.
Actually, this is kind of similar to the whole Kotaku readership -> Brian's meaningless posts relationship. Brian gets paid to post absolutely ASANINE content, and we KEEP reading it. The human race is pretty amazing, but mainly horrendous, simply because the above statement is 100% our own fault.
It may seem like I am leading up to some huge insight to something, but really I'm not. I just wanted a nice buffer to prepare your mind for Brian:
"I don't know about elsewhere as I've never moved really in America!"
I never competed in NASCAR but I sure as hell know that those cars move really FAST.
"The plan is to introduce ourselves on either Saturday and Sunday to some of our neighbors (those living closest to us) and give them the towels."
WHOOOOOA. I feel like Neo taking the red pill! Those living closest to me are.... my neighbors? FUCKING WILD.
Source: http://kotaku.com/5222535/nice-to-meet-you-here-is-some-detergent-be-nice-to-me

Japan: A World Without Scanners

I'm sad to report that there are NO WORKING SCANNERS IN ALL OF JAPAN. The only way that residents of the most technologically advanced society on earth can capture the printed word digitally, is to photograph it with their 30 megapixel cameraphones. Unfortunately, our country's bandwidth is unable to cope with such large images, so smaller versions of these images are frequently displayed on American websites. Most style guides will dictate that because the vast majority of our nation cannot read the Japanese language, these small images serve as an appropriate source for the accompanying article.

tl:dr Bash-hole posted a thumbnail of a photo of a magazine that we can't read and called it news.




Source: http://kotaku.com/5202995/eagerly-awaited-koei-ps3-title-still-in-development

News Flash! Ashcraft lives in Japan!

GAMING BLOG

Kotaku is the only blog I've ever read (gaming or otherwise) that publishes all the inane emails that the "editors" write back and forth to each other. I know you're trying to artificially inflate your stupid post count, but do you really need to fill it with junk like this?

Who gives a fuck about you and your dumb Japanese lending experience? Nobody, that's who. Do you know how many of your readers are married American bloggers living in Japan and looking to buy property? Obviously you don't.

Don't you have a personal blog that you can post this garbage on? You know, one that doesn't try and sell itself as a gaming blog but instead comes off as a weeaboo's guide to everything Japanese that real gamers don't give two shits about? Have fun looking for a new dining table ya dumb bastard. I'm looking forward to a post about how yours are shorter than "Western" ones.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5193628/so-yeah-i-did-it-i-bought-a-piece-of-japan

Brian Ashcraft is nearly 100 percent a failure

I drop shadows like MCA drops beats.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5191628/final-fantasy-xiii-uses-nearly-100-percent-of-ps3-power

What's A Japan?

Holy shit, Brian, your kid didn't know what a radio was?! Man that's so shocking! Maybe you should mention a cotton gin or mining cart, you know, to see if he questions that too. OOH OOH! Make some lude reference to TITS or DILDO and see if he questions those items as well!

Revelation: People ask questions about things that are new to them! I'm sure when you were a little Mini-Bash faggot you asked the exact same question, even though the radio was more prevelant in your time.

Editor's Note: Maybe because you forgot to pronounce it rajio or write it down in kanji: ラジオ

Source: http://kotaku.com/5190027/whats-a-radio

As has been previous announced, Asshat thinks we can all read pixelated Japanese.

At first, I thought Asshat himself interviewed Tetsuya Nomura for this article. Then, I realized that was ridiculous, because who would let themselves be interviewed by this doofus?

Then it occurred to me that he might have overheard this interview at the GDC. But no, remember that Asshat is in JAPAN JAPAN I LIVE IN JAPAN DESU NE!?

But I finally figured it out. Dickhole here read this in some unsourced Japanese magazine, and instead of referencing said article, he simply took a picture of it. Brilliant. Well, I guess since that's what real journalists do, I can do the same thing for my source:


Just kidding. I refernce my shit for real, jerks.

Source: ブライアンは、愚かな女です (That's Google Translate for "Brian is a stupid cunt")

Rumor: less than 1% of Kotaku's readership can actually read Japanese

You know, I found some other interesting statistics about Japan this morning. Apparently, a staggering .71% of Kotaku's traffic originates in Japan. Since such a significant percentage of their readership is obviously fluent in Japanese, it's completely appropriate to source a Japanese website without even the half-assed courtesy of a machine-translated proxy. You stupid fucks.

So thanks for the completely relevant and important info. I'd never have imagined that Japanese gamers don't like a shitty American movie game about a franchise that has been popular in Japan for decades now. In fact, I still wouldn't believe it if you hadn't backed it up with source material in a language that nearly all of your readership CAN'T EVEN FUCKING READ.

*slow clap* indeed.

Source: ゲームドラゴンボール エボリューション

New Post (Japan Time)

Really Brian? REALLY?? Like we didn't know you were speaking about yourself, once again, IN JAPAN!

Dear God we don't care about your fucking sleep schedule. Get a life! UGHGHGUEBGLKSRDjhbgfdsjkgvbnlkjb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5174905/what-should-i-do-tomorrow

Early Bird

Wow, so if I got to some theater in japan, I can see a final fantasy movie before it's officially released in japan? Thanks for telling us about the stuff that we absolutely don't care about that happens in japan . You know, where you live. With your wife. Who's from japan.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5167103/final-fantasy-vii-advent-children-complete-special-screening-for-800-people

Sorry Your Friend Died I Ate Japans Food

How thoughtful. I'm sure his family appreciates your candor about vegetables, too.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5167262/pretty-sure-anything-tastes-good-fried

Thanks For The Tip!

Oh wow, you say the metal gear online expansion costs 1,200 yen? Thanks for the hot tip! I'm sure that will come in handy for me and the other 90% of your readership that use DOLLARS. Thanks, Brian!


Source: http://kotaku.com/5167215/order-metal-gear-online-scene-expansion-early-get-cardboard-box-head