I Dreamed a Dream (Brian the Miserable)

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong...

I dreamed a dream of reviews gone by
When hope was high
For news worth reading
I dreamed that Kotaku would soon die
I dreamed that Gawker would be intriguing
Then I was young and unafraid
And clickbait was made and used and wasted
There were no games to be played
No blurb abused
No report untasteless

And the postings come at night
With their useless cell phone pictures
As they tear your eyes apart
As they turn The Witcher to shame

Brian wrote a summer by my side
He filled my days with awful grammar
He took my journalism in his stride
But he was gone when Japan came

And still I dream he'll make a change
That hentai humor will leave his vocab
But there are dreams that are out of range
And there are weeaboos we can't slash-stab!

I had a dream game news would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now, from what it seemed
Now Brian has killed the dream I dreamed

Source: http://kotaku.com/sadly-geralt-doesnt-have-a-penis-1707636628

Nice To Meet You, Here Are Some Words, Pretend I Went To School And Graduated With A Degree Only To Be Pulling The Wool Over All Your Eyes

You know what would be a great reality show? BRIAN ASSCRAFT DOES JAPAN. You see, no reality show is ever profitable unless the main focus is on a complete and utter moron, (or, to be fair, a group of individuals being amazing). But since we know that Brian has no chance of being the latter, we could make our big bucks by focusing on his retardedness.
Actually, this is kind of similar to the whole Kotaku readership -> Brian's meaningless posts relationship. Brian gets paid to post absolutely ASANINE content, and we KEEP reading it. The human race is pretty amazing, but mainly horrendous, simply because the above statement is 100% our own fault.
It may seem like I am leading up to some huge insight to something, but really I'm not. I just wanted a nice buffer to prepare your mind for Brian:
"I don't know about elsewhere as I've never moved really in America!"
I never competed in NASCAR but I sure as hell know that those cars move really FAST.
"The plan is to introduce ourselves on either Saturday and Sunday to some of our neighbors (those living closest to us) and give them the towels."
WHOOOOOA. I feel like Neo taking the red pill! Those living closest to me are.... my neighbors? FUCKING WILD.
Source: http://kotaku.com/5222535/nice-to-meet-you-here-is-some-detergent-be-nice-to-me

I Hope Someone Re-Does This Article

I got it! Mike's keyboard is broken. That's the only explanation I can come up with for missing so many letters in such a short article. Maybe if you guys spent more time proofreading and less time jerking it to J-pop idols over your laptops, you'd write ONE goddamn article without an obvious spelling error.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5200513/silent-hill-shattered-memories-re+does-wii-ps2-and-psp

I Spent $5 in Chicago With Tristan And All I Got Was This Lousy Article

... make sure that any events using their console aren't...
... make sure that any event using their console isn't...

Pick one of those, and then fix your run-on sentence you idiot. Tristan has probably learned these things in school by now, so maybe you should ask him next time you're unsure. I bet he'd be glad to help.

Now that I've deciphered what you were trying to say, I have to agree with you, Brian. It's totally shitty for Microsoft to allow just anyone to buy their consoles and then allow people to play them. Hopefully next time I'm at a party and someone busts out Rock Band, Microsoft employees will show up at the door and make sure there are enough consoles to go around.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5200201/how-to-waste-5-on-the-xbox-360-in-chicago

Kotaku is the worst at what they do

Mike, come on. Did you decide to write the first sentence, stop halfway, and then go huff paint for an hour? And if you're supposed to be a gaming journalist, how come your only exposure to this game so far has been a couple of screenshots and this trailer? Oh, that's right. It's because you wouldn't know gaming or journalism if they DP'd you.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5195686/wolverine-behind+the+scenes-is-best-there-is-at-what-it-does

What I Would Have Give To Be Able To Read Kotaku

The thought process in writing this post:
Reiterate again that Microsoft somehow rolled some anthropomorphic eyes
Remember that punctuation is helpful but it doesn't really matter where it goes in the sentence, as long as it's there
Right click >> Thesaurus >> choose fifty-cent word like "abject"
Butcher English language

Source: http://kotaku.com/5192250/microsoft-discounts-ps2-price-cut

Cool Story, Kotaku!

I made a blog where I talk shit about the horrific writing and inferior quality of journalism on Kotaku. This is it.

Don't even read the rest of the article. It doesn't get any better.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5172655/more-mass-effect-2-artwork