JFC slow your roll

Who is this fresh meat new-ish writer on Kotaku? A new target, you say??

Cool forty-fucking-page diatribe on a fucking cartoon character and how they are "the worst." You know what else is the worst?

1. Kotaku
2. You
3. Brian Ashcraft
4. Kotaku

If you'd put this much energy towards writing real content maybe Kotaku wouldn't be such a cesspool of internet garbage. N/M that earth's already been salted.

We here at GJK are fueled ENTIRELY by hate and rage, and our shit doesn't even go past the fold on your mobile device. Tina, you got no chill.

Three Strikes and You're Out, Brian!

I wish I had something witty for this one, but all I have are the first three articles that showed up at the top of Kotaku's shitty excuse for a gaming news site, all courtesy of our NIHON resident, Boring Asscraft.

1) http://kotaku.com/13-random-russians-that-look-like-famous-celebrities-1708663576
GREAT!! A post about an old post that was re-posted recently, so why not talk about it!? DUHHH. I'm a journalist of course!

2) http://kotaku.com/japanese-ice-cream-face-art-1708656823
Japanese topic. No brainer. I'm surprised Brian's wife taking a shit isn't a god damn headline yet.

3) http://kotaku.com/pikachu-is-selling-ketchup-in-japan-1708654268
Pikachu. Selling. Ketchup.

Let's refresh ourselves with Kotaku's mission statement:

"Thank you for reading Kotaku, a news and opinion site about games and things serious gamers care about. We’re here to inform you and, sometimes, entertain you."

Yeah. Serious gamers. Ketchup, ice cream, and Russian strangers. One thing's for sure, entertainment is about as present on this site as the proofreading abilities of Brian and Mike.

Source? http://kotaku.com/about

ROOK RIKE ASSCLAFT AT IT AGAIN

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Purposeful Engrish? Or Actual Wapanese Conversion??

I'd like to quote a famous married couple to start off my emotions on this one:

"DIS SHIT DON'T STOP! WE AT IT AGAIN!"

Never mind fact that this considered "news" for game journalist website. Never mind fact that only 1% of Kotaku's readership is live in Japan. Never mind fact that no one care about operating system for store. It is problem when paid journalist cannot write for garbage, when write about garbage.

See what I did there? I recycled that shit. (OH WE AT IT AGAIN!)

Three seconds, Brian. Three seconds to quickly re-read your post and presto, errors fixed. Instead you just come off as a god damn illiterate hack that would rather use those three seconds to jerk off to anime statues until wifey gets home.

Source: http://kotaku.com/pokemon-center-runs-on-windows-7-1708135093

Watch My Fucking Brain Explode

Fucking riveting video content here. A face-down view of JAPANESE DIRT and then some out-of-focus kanji! And then a magical heat packet that no one has ever seen or used before and you can only get ON THE MOON!



Is that sunshine in that video? Then you can take those pink hands and shove that thing right up your pink ass and warm your entrails because if you've got sun and no snow on the ground than it's probably warmer than most of where we all are now.

You made a video about how your hands get cold? Fucking christ how do you get paid to do this job! You should be on 4chan arguing about how Americans shouldn't cosplay because their eyes are too round! Senior contributing editor, eh? I'm a senior contributing editor to my toilet on a regular basis then.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5748753/watch-my-pink-hands-get-warm

Kotaku Writer Makes Snide Quip About Writer's Snide Quip

Hey calling people gas bags is our job, fuckwad! Go back to reporting "news," which is what I thought your site said it did. Stop dredging up non-news shit to fill your post quota for the day.

And what exactly is so snide about what he said? That people over 18 can vote? How astute! He might be a dick but at least he's got his facts correct, which is more than we can say for you nine times out of ten.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5215636/washington-post-writer-makes-snide-quip-about-gamers-voting-rights

And as an aside, says Blake DeKalb:

The times they are a changin' buddy. Sorry, you and Bill Nye are the only people that wear bow ties anymore.

More like BORE-OPHYLL

Right like you fucktards that wank it to girls in cat ears are not going to buy this game because the girls are "expressionless." Admit it, you like that dead-eyed stare.



Why did you feel the need to post the same screencaps like a dozen times? Are you really illustrating your point more effectively, that the unreleased game might be boring?

Source: http://kotaku.com/5202788/banana-eating-cat-ear-ps3-game-not-expressive

Evidently English is Hard Too

I won't beat a dead horse here, because we all know that I don't care about these dolts and their daily lives, and I think publishing their emails as posts is a shameful way to drive up their post count. I might go on to suppose that very few of Kotaku's readers will pull up their newsfeeds with breakfast, sip their coffee, and muse, "Ah, Bash and Crecente. Your witty banter is such a welcome bright spot amongst the drudgery of video game news."

I will, however, point out that "Bash" can't seem to write the simplest of sentences without fucking them up. I think to criticize and mock.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5201657/moving-is-hard

Let's Fighting Love

Let's Not Bother Reporting News
Let's Just Post A Video Clip Of A Game You Westerners Can't Buy

Wonderful penis thing
There are hairs at balls
That's sound of Monkey-like Cunt
No! Ninjas are here!
Hey hey let's! Lets fight!
This is important. Protect my balls!
I'm badass. So let's fighting
Let's fighting love!
Let's fighting love!
This song is a bit stupid
This doesn't make sense.
English is all fucked up
It's okay--we do it all the time!
Hey hey let's go!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5199585/lets-check-out-gothic-lolita-shooter-for-xbox-360