Yeah, Thank Goodness.

Oh, good. I'm glad Cave is porting Mushihime-sama Futari, because when I've played 5pb's ports I've notiOH WAIT WE CAN'T PLAY THOSE GAMES HERE IN "THE WEST."

I normally wouldn't go out of my way to post more "onry in Japan" bullshit, but something's fishy about this one. Could it be that it was posted because Cave is the developer behind everyone's favorite big squishy tits loli shooter DeathSmiles? KAWAII! ^-^!!!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5222247/developer-continues-to-struggle-with-shooter-ports

Maximum Shitty

Is it possible to SUSPENSE a girl upside down? Maybe. Regardless, this is perfect example of Kotaku at IT IS worst.

Irrelevant: check
Bad grammar: check
Not really news, just jackoff material: check

Congrats on the trifecta of fuckup, Brian.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5215855/upskirts-no-you-mean-upside-down-skirts

Thanks For Letting Me Know

I'm glad you included that little disclaimer at the end, asshat. It would be a shame for your Japanese readership (less than 1%) to get their hopes up only to discover that there isn't a Pokémon x-ray machine in their hospital.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5214361/the-pokemon-x+ray-machine

FFVII new and improved international version. Wait a minute...

Hot off the presses, final fantasy 7 is available for download for japanese PSN account holders. This isn't that terrible a news story, as a lot of neat downloads are often only available to select regions at first. What DOES make this story terrible is that this fucktwat is telling his 99% american audience about the new features in this special "international version" that is actually just THE REBRANDED AMERICAN VERSION. WE SAW THIS SHIT 12 YEARS AGO. Oh, and thanks for telling me the price in yen you god damn dickfuck.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5206591/play-final-fantasy-vii-on-your-ps3-now

Consumer Alert: Japanese only game filled with bugs!

Watch out for this game, you 1% of kotaku readers who live in japan. DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA apparently is buggy. Surely this information will be useful to you guys. What I don't get is why every time this asshole mentions DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA, he has to refer to it as its full title. Anything shorter than DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA is unacceptable, and the game must be referred to as DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA at all times. I guess when he plays DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA on his Mircrosoft Xbox360 Gaming Console, he needs to get the most fulfillment out of that or some bullshit. Also, thanks for telling us what the fuck DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA translates to. I bet it's something like "Brian asscraft likes to lick cocks that are Black EXTRA"

Source: http://kotaku.com/5187884/shipments-of-buggy-xbox-360-maniac-shooter-halted

American People Are Less Interested In Your Articles

I'm not sure what pisses me off more about this article. The fact that he's doing his nihon no stasstistics thing, or the fact that his source is just a solid page of this:
Source: http://kotaku.com/5183011/japanese-people-are-less-interested-in-video-games

Brian Asscraft's Triumphant Return To The Land of The Rising Sun Desu Ne!

For a second I scared myself. I thought that brian-san had abandoned emporer hirohito in favor of getting a pint down at the pub. Luckily my fears proved fruitless when I read THE FIRST FUCKING WORD OF THAT HEADLINE. Seriously what the fucking jesus christ. I'm sure I would be lost an unable to keep myself together if I didn't have a real-time feed of what the fuck the shoppers in osaka den-den are most content with. Thank the lord that my personal information-on-what-the-japanese-are-doing news ticker is back up and fully operational, because I just might of had to kill myself if I had to live another hour without it. I think I'll kill myself anyway just for good measure.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5179724/japanese-gamers-more-satisfied-with-xbox-360-than-wii-or-ps3

In USA, I take to not giving a flying fuck

So apparently there's some kind of epidemic in nihon about R4s taking business away from nintendo, so they're going to be pulled off the shelves soon. Funny how R4s are not currently sold nor were they ever sold in any retail store in the US, and they're very easy to come across online. This news in no way informs me of anything I need to know. I swear to god, the day this guy realizes that the news he's reporting has absolutely NO bearing on what is actually informative and usable by his readerbase is the day I land a threesome with tina fey and famke janssen.

source: http://kotaku.com/5171236/in-akihabara-r4-retailers-take-to-the-streets

Murphy's Law

This is one of those asscraft posts that brings out the worst in nearly every possible way he's capable of doing it. First, we start off with the fact that he's posting about a game that is very unlikely to ever come out to the united states. Secondly, he spouts off the japanese name of it to show off that he can read moonspeak before translating it into english for us. Third, he references the game "Senko no Ronde". Now I'm willing to be only a little pissed off when he calls a japanese only game by it's chingchong title, but Senko no Ronde nippon kawasaki karaoke sushi fucking came out in the united states and it was called fucking "WarTech".

I don't understand how a man nearly in charge of one of the biggest gaming news sites on the god damn internet can exhibit such blatant and willful ignorance of not only what the readers care about, but also what they already know and are used to. What kind of arrogant, self-important, cock sucking douche starts cramming information down your throat about something you will never encounter, and then to help you visualize this meaningless bullshit he's putting you though, he compares it to something you should know, but in a way that's totally incomprehensible to you.

For christs sake, you people don't realize the hell I put myself through in writing these posts, for nothing more than to provide you with 30 seconds of entertainment. It fucking destroys every shred of sanity left in my body. Here's a picture of me during the process of creating these posts.


Source: http://kotaku.com/5169179/elementary-school-boy-arcade-shooting-game-coming-to-xbox-360