Resident Cheese Beef Bowl Face Brian Asscraft Apologizes For Not Being Cool

Just kidding, he'll never do that because he's never going to start proofreading. Admit it, I got you with that clickbait didn't I? 

PLAYERZ. With a Z, Brian. Come on.

An apology? Apologies? Sega apologized? Wow, look at that. This writing stuff is easy. Maybe I should make content for a blog. Oh wait.

PROOFREAD YOUR SHIT, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

Oh and secondly, it doesn't matter that Nagoshi is a SEGA exec, you god damn twerp, you shouldn't say those kind of things no matter who you are! (Unless you are a wonderful staff member of GJK specifically targeting terrible game "journalism" blogs). GOODBYE.

Source: https://kotaku.com/sega-apologies-after-producer-uses-slang-to-mock-puzzle-1844568653

Three Strikes and You're Out, Brian!

I wish I had something witty for this one, but all I have are the first three articles that showed up at the top of Kotaku's shitty excuse for a gaming news site, all courtesy of our NIHON resident, Boring Asscraft.

1) http://kotaku.com/13-random-russians-that-look-like-famous-celebrities-1708663576
GREAT!! A post about an old post that was re-posted recently, so why not talk about it!? DUHHH. I'm a journalist of course!

2) http://kotaku.com/japanese-ice-cream-face-art-1708656823
Japanese topic. No brainer. I'm surprised Brian's wife taking a shit isn't a god damn headline yet.

3) http://kotaku.com/pikachu-is-selling-ketchup-in-japan-1708654268
Pikachu. Selling. Ketchup.

Let's refresh ourselves with Kotaku's mission statement:

"Thank you for reading Kotaku, a news and opinion site about games and things serious gamers care about. We’re here to inform you and, sometimes, entertain you."

Yeah. Serious gamers. Ketchup, ice cream, and Russian strangers. One thing's for sure, entertainment is about as present on this site as the proofreading abilities of Brian and Mike.

Source? http://kotaku.com/about

I Dreamed a Dream (Brian the Miserable)

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong...

I dreamed a dream of reviews gone by
When hope was high
For news worth reading
I dreamed that Kotaku would soon die
I dreamed that Gawker would be intriguing
Then I was young and unafraid
And clickbait was made and used and wasted
There were no games to be played
No blurb abused
No report untasteless

And the postings come at night
With their useless cell phone pictures
As they tear your eyes apart
As they turn The Witcher to shame

Brian wrote a summer by my side
He filled my days with awful grammar
He took my journalism in his stride
But he was gone when Japan came

And still I dream he'll make a change
That hentai humor will leave his vocab
But there are dreams that are out of range
And there are weeaboos we can't slash-stab!

I had a dream game news would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now, from what it seemed
Now Brian has killed the dream I dreamed

Source: http://kotaku.com/sadly-geralt-doesnt-have-a-penis-1707636628

Oh good, a post on Japanese fashion!!

Written by an American man!
Illustrated with cell phone photos from other sites!
No input from anyone who is/has/ever wore this fashion trend!
So relevant!
So fashion!

Is this a picture of a goddamn TV?

I love how he is all like "if you were in Japan in the 90s you saw these" then goes on to talk about how they became so ubiquitous that they were in all sorts of media. But YOU HAD TO BE THERE TO SEE THE SOCKS, LISTEN.

Source: http://kotaku.com/the-return-of-those-infamous-japanese-schoolgirl-socks-1450614462

Watch My Fucking Brain Explode

Fucking riveting video content here. A face-down view of JAPANESE DIRT and then some out-of-focus kanji! And then a magical heat packet that no one has ever seen or used before and you can only get ON THE MOON!



Is that sunshine in that video? Then you can take those pink hands and shove that thing right up your pink ass and warm your entrails because if you've got sun and no snow on the ground than it's probably warmer than most of where we all are now.

You made a video about how your hands get cold? Fucking christ how do you get paid to do this job! You should be on 4chan arguing about how Americans shouldn't cosplay because their eyes are too round! Senior contributing editor, eh? I'm a senior contributing editor to my toilet on a regular basis then.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5748753/watch-my-pink-hands-get-warm

Let's Fighting Love

Let's Not Bother Reporting News
Let's Just Post A Video Clip Of A Game You Westerners Can't Buy

Wonderful penis thing
There are hairs at balls
That's sound of Monkey-like Cunt
No! Ninjas are here!
Hey hey let's! Lets fight!
This is important. Protect my balls!
I'm badass. So let's fighting
Let's fighting love!
Let's fighting love!
This song is a bit stupid
This doesn't make sense.
English is all fucked up
It's okay--we do it all the time!
Hey hey let's go!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5199585/lets-check-out-gothic-lolita-shooter-for-xbox-360