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Kotaku Writer Makes Snide Quip About Writer's Snide Quip

Hey calling people gas bags is our job, fuckwad! Go back to reporting "news," which is what I thought your site said it did. Stop dredging up non-news shit to fill your post quota for the day.

And what exactly is so snide about what he said? That people over 18 can vote? How astute! He might be a dick but at least he's got his facts correct, which is more than we can say for you nine times out of ten.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5215636/washington-post-writer-makes-snide-quip-about-gamers-voting-rights

And as an aside, says Blake DeKalb:

The times they are a changin' buddy. Sorry, you and Bill Nye are the only people that wear bow ties anymore.

Whele's Wardo

Ah, a list of difficult games. Sounds like an interesting enough top 25. BTW, here's a picture of some japanese guy that you may or may not recognize. Ignore the fact that there's no mention of him anywhere in the article. Just imagine he's there like some kind of easter egg, and if you can find him, you with the gurando no puraizu.
source: http://kotaku.com/5211094/these-games-are-hard

FFVII new and improved international version. Wait a minute...

Hot off the presses, final fantasy 7 is available for download for japanese PSN account holders. This isn't that terrible a news story, as a lot of neat downloads are often only available to select regions at first. What DOES make this story terrible is that this fucktwat is telling his 99% american audience about the new features in this special "international version" that is actually just THE REBRANDED AMERICAN VERSION. WE SAW THIS SHIT 12 YEARS AGO. Oh, and thanks for telling me the price in yen you god damn dickfuck.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5206591/play-final-fantasy-vii-on-your-ps3-now

It burns when I pee, also when I read kotaku

This one falls into two categories. First there's the gripe I had before about the pictures being too god damn big. There's no room for the actual content of the news story because the picture takes up my entire fucking browser. If the news story was about, say, tales of vesperia screenshots, then I might be ok with it. It's NOT about that though. The game has been out for some 9 months so we're all well aware what it looks like. This is just naming off differences between the xbox version and the ps3 port (Also, thanks for telling me about the anime tie-in, there, buddy ^_-).
Secondly, and this is the one that pisses me off the most, is the content of the screenshot itself. As I said before, tales of vesperia has been out in the USA since august, so WHY IN FUCK'S NAME IS THIS JACKHOLE USING A SCREENSHOT FROM THE JAPANESE VERSION?! You know, he could have at least taken a screenshot from any portion of the japanese version, including the 8 hojillion publicity action shots, or he could have just done a google image search (which yields almost all english results, btw). But, no, he HAD to take a screenshot that featured japanese text just so he could show off how chingchongy and wingwongy he was.

source: http://kotaku.com/5201634/whats-new-about-ps3-tales-of-vesperia

Classic Cock

Sometimes you don't need fancy gimmicks or crazy metaphors to be pissed off at asscraft. This is one of those classic timeless examples that never ceases to piss me off. Any normal reporter would link to the notice and tell you the translation, but this classless egotistical fuck sees fit to post a picture of the japanese that he just happens to know how to read. Suck my dick you son of a bitch

Source: http://kotaku.com/5196756/konami-ps3-baseball-game-goes-offline-the-end

News Flash! Ashcraft lives in Japan!

GAMING BLOG

Kotaku is the only blog I've ever read (gaming or otherwise) that publishes all the inane emails that the "editors" write back and forth to each other. I know you're trying to artificially inflate your stupid post count, but do you really need to fill it with junk like this?

Who gives a fuck about you and your dumb Japanese lending experience? Nobody, that's who. Do you know how many of your readers are married American bloggers living in Japan and looking to buy property? Obviously you don't.

Don't you have a personal blog that you can post this garbage on? You know, one that doesn't try and sell itself as a gaming blog but instead comes off as a weeaboo's guide to everything Japanese that real gamers don't give two shits about? Have fun looking for a new dining table ya dumb bastard. I'm looking forward to a post about how yours are shorter than "Western" ones.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5193628/so-yeah-i-did-it-i-bought-a-piece-of-japan

Consumer Alert: Japanese only game filled with bugs!

Watch out for this game, you 1% of kotaku readers who live in japan. DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA apparently is buggy. Surely this information will be useful to you guys. What I don't get is why every time this asshole mentions DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA, he has to refer to it as its full title. Anything shorter than DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA is unacceptable, and the game must be referred to as DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA at all times. I guess when he plays DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA on his Mircrosoft Xbox360 Gaming Console, he needs to get the most fulfillment out of that or some bullshit. Also, thanks for telling us what the fuck DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA translates to. I bet it's something like "Brian asscraft likes to lick cocks that are Black EXTRA"

Source: http://kotaku.com/5187884/shipments-of-buggy-xbox-360-maniac-shooter-halted

Rice Overload

When my brother and I were young, we used to make a concoction called "dairy overload." We would devour a bowl of ice cream, alongside a tall glass of milk, and top it off with some yogurt of appropriate flavor. It was approximately 16 servings of dairy, well above what any nutritionist would recommend for daily intake, for fear of inducing a heart attack. What we have here is the very equivalent of dairy overload, except in the painful form of pure distilled JAPAN. Only instead of having the pleasure of eating it, it has being processed into a shitty journalistic form, and is being force fed through our eyeballs. The whole thing starts off with a banner at the top denoting that it's from japan, and is subsequently followed by a picture of not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR FUCKING JAPANESE PEOPLE. Oh but he's not done yet. Before you can recover from the one-two punch asscraft-san has delivered to you unsuspecting gut, he coup de graces you with an uppercut straight to the chin explaining how oto-san has a better relationship with his rice eating family. I think I've most definitely ingested about 3000% my recommended lifetime value of nihon with this one post. There's a tingling in my chest and left arm... Source: http://kotaku.com/5186742/wii-fit-helps-men-talk-to-their-families

Lost in a sea of madness

Oh my dear ashcraft, thank you for being my one glimmering hope in a world gone awry. When everyone else is led astray reporting nonsense news from some conference no one even cares about, I can always count on you to grab kotaku by the reigns and report the news that REALLY matters. Forget all that other garbage, tell me about anime coming out. Thank you brian. Thank you.

American People Are Less Interested In Your Articles

I'm not sure what pisses me off more about this article. The fact that he's doing his nihon no stasstistics thing, or the fact that his source is just a solid page of this:
Source: http://kotaku.com/5183011/japanese-people-are-less-interested-in-video-games

Tough Economic Times Call For Hard Cocks

We are greatly distraught over the huge hit that the world's economy has taken in the past six months. Truly we need to get back on the right track and reassure the global markets that investor security will bHEY CHECK OUT THIS HOT ASIAN CHICK LET'S ALL JACK OFF.

P.S. From Gaston: "Marvelous Entertainment has asking" -- Asscraft

Source: http://kotaku.com/5181271/marvelous-entertainment-asks-17-percent-of-workforce-to-quit

Brian Asscraft's Triumphant Return To The Land of The Rising Sun Desu Ne!

For a second I scared myself. I thought that brian-san had abandoned emporer hirohito in favor of getting a pint down at the pub. Luckily my fears proved fruitless when I read THE FIRST FUCKING WORD OF THAT HEADLINE. Seriously what the fucking jesus christ. I'm sure I would be lost an unable to keep myself together if I didn't have a real-time feed of what the fuck the shoppers in osaka den-den are most content with. Thank the lord that my personal information-on-what-the-japanese-are-doing news ticker is back up and fully operational, because I just might of had to kill myself if I had to live another hour without it. I think I'll kill myself anyway just for good measure.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5179724/japanese-gamers-more-satisfied-with-xbox-360-than-wii-or-ps3

Asscraft Abandons Japs, Becomes a Limey Brit!

Mr. Asscraft has been so kind to inform us that the new need for speed game hits shelves on September 17th, and then September 22nd in the USA. Naturally, after reading this, I raced to GJ,K to make a post about how he didn't feel the need to qualify the first release date with a location, but had to qualify the second, just to show that he's in japan not USA. After a 5 second google search (Something people at kotaku are seemingly incapable of when doing their fact checking most of the time), I actually discovered that he's referring to the european release date! Well, well, well, I guess we can now officially say that Asscraft is no longer trying to identify as wapanese, and has officially moved on to becoming bloody good chums with some mates down at his flat.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5180226/need-for-speed-shift-shifts-into-september

HEY CHECK OUT HOW HOT THIS ASIAN CHICK IS

AREN'T ASIAN CHICKS HOT? YEAH I KNOW THEY TOTALLY ARE. THIS ONE IS REALLY HOT. MY WIFE IS ASIAN, DID YOU KNOW THAT? THAT MEANS SHE'S HOT. I'M MARRIED TO A HOT ASIAN WOMAN. SHE'S FROM JAPAN. OSAKA, JAPAN. I PUT MY WEINER IN HER.


I hate this man with every fiber of my being.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5177793/this-girl-is-wearing-a-famicom-bikini-she-crafted-herself

Now featuring weeaboo content that extends beyond the boundaries of my screen

Fucking look at this shit! I tried to take a screenshot with the picture and a good portion of text, but I COULDN'T BECAUSE THE GOD DAMN JAPANESE BROAD IS TAKING UP MY ENTIRE WEB BROWSER. Also, please take note that if you scroll down, you see another screen full of thumbnails of this bitch. Kotaku: Where news means pictures of asian girls in dresses.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5174427/shoko-nakagawa-returns-but-minus-the-mecha-cosplay

In USA, I take to not giving a flying fuck

So apparently there's some kind of epidemic in nihon about R4s taking business away from nintendo, so they're going to be pulled off the shelves soon. Funny how R4s are not currently sold nor were they ever sold in any retail store in the US, and they're very easy to come across online. This news in no way informs me of anything I need to know. I swear to god, the day this guy realizes that the news he's reporting has absolutely NO bearing on what is actually informative and usable by his readerbase is the day I land a threesome with tina fey and famke janssen.

source: http://kotaku.com/5171236/in-akihabara-r4-retailers-take-to-the-streets

If I wanted to read about circle jerking, I'd read BoingBoing.

Goddamnit. Brian Ashcraft is the new Cory Doctorow.

HEY GUISE I WROTE A BOOK U SHOUDL CHECK OUT THIS BOOK I ROTE DID YOU KNOW I WROT A BOOOOK

This is not news. This is not video game news. This is not even book news. This is plain and simple douchebaggery.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5169900/bashcraft-penned-arcade-book-getting-french-edition

Murphy's Law

This is one of those asscraft posts that brings out the worst in nearly every possible way he's capable of doing it. First, we start off with the fact that he's posting about a game that is very unlikely to ever come out to the united states. Secondly, he spouts off the japanese name of it to show off that he can read moonspeak before translating it into english for us. Third, he references the game "Senko no Ronde". Now I'm willing to be only a little pissed off when he calls a japanese only game by it's chingchong title, but Senko no Ronde nippon kawasaki karaoke sushi fucking came out in the united states and it was called fucking "WarTech".

I don't understand how a man nearly in charge of one of the biggest gaming news sites on the god damn internet can exhibit such blatant and willful ignorance of not only what the readers care about, but also what they already know and are used to. What kind of arrogant, self-important, cock sucking douche starts cramming information down your throat about something you will never encounter, and then to help you visualize this meaningless bullshit he's putting you though, he compares it to something you should know, but in a way that's totally incomprehensible to you.

For christs sake, you people don't realize the hell I put myself through in writing these posts, for nothing more than to provide you with 30 seconds of entertainment. It fucking destroys every shred of sanity left in my body. Here's a picture of me during the process of creating these posts.


Source: http://kotaku.com/5169179/elementary-school-boy-arcade-shooting-game-coming-to-xbox-360

Stasstistics

100% of americans do not care what 56.4% of japanese people own. Seriously I do not understand how this shit passes as news. I don't see Nihon Keizai Shimbun having its front page headline being "WHITIES LOVE XBOX".

Source: http://kotaku.com/5168496/what-last-generation-consoles-do-some-japanese-gamers-still-use