Flashback Friday: Asscraft 'Oblivious' to Proofreading 11 Years Ago

When I found this blast from the past I questioned how I could have missed it, and I think the reason is because Asscraft was hiding his best work on the Australian sister site of Kotaku. But that's fine with me because what a treat to find it 11 years later! Welcome to Flashback Fridays! (You shut your mouth I am aware it is Sunday today, KAREN).

Sigh... the title alone warned me to get ready, and sure, I have definitely changed over the last 11 years and cringed at some of the stuff I've said in the past, but even 11 years ago this would have boiled my blood. But before we get to the best part, no Asscraft article exists without a lack of proofreading:

Ah, the irony! I'll take sentences that make no sense god I wish you put a modicum of effort in to reading them just one time after writing them for 800, Alex.

"The answer is: 'That doesn't mean that she was obvious to Chun-Li — she wasn't.'"

What is Brian Asscraft's obliviousness to the word oblivious?

"Great job, Gaston. You have control of the board!"

I'll take scumbag misogynists who live in Japan and won't stop talking about their Japanese wife and Japanese schoolgirls for 1000, Alex!

"And THAT'S' the Daily Double. This scumbag who lives in Japan and won't stop talking about their Japanese wife and Japanese schoolgirls wrote this shitty line 11 years ago instead of standing up for the actress and calling out any fucking weeaboo that thinks in this manner."

Who is Brian Asscraft!

"Right again, Gaston. Bonus points for the correct pronunciation of his last name too. You're in the lead!"

Source: https://www.kotaku.com.au/2009/02/chunli_movie_actress_has_only_played_street_fighter_once-2/

Kotaku Fails To Launch Line of PCs With Spell Check

Brian, I know working 4 hours a day as Editor in Chief takes up a lot of your Nippon culture-absorbing time to the point where you're typing these 'articles' with your left hand, polishing your Kurosawa nodachi with your right, and slapping Publish with your fucking gaijin topknot before re-reading your copy, so in a wacky universe where GJK doesn't exist it could maybe be understandable why some of your spelling and grammar errors slip through:

But we live in THIS universe and in THIS universe you still haven't proofread your shit for the last 10 years. For fuck's sake dude I just took two milliseconds out of my life and copy-pasted your sentence into a Gmail draft and it INSTANTLY told me something was awry:

Seriously, what fucking software do you pathetic excuse for writers use at Kotaku that you miss this kinda shit? Certainly must be some long making software (hehe). I really want to know. Do you just draft in notepad? Oh, sorry, 'noturopadu.' What happens when your ejaculate misses your napkin and hits your power strip, shorting it and causing your PC to restart? Do you lose everything you've written and just shrug it off like you're John Ritter on an episode of Three's Company because you know you can just slam your keyboard like a fucking LSD-tripping monkey and people will still read your garbage?

Maybe try composing your articles in Gmail from now on and save me from the inevitable aneurysm that has long BEEN forming in my skull from reading your shit.

Source: https://kotaku.com/konami-launches-a-line-of-gaming-pcs-1844541222

It's 2020 And Brian "Cunt" Asscraft Is Still At It!

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Has Anyone Really Read Kotaku Far Even as Decided to Use Even Go Want Game Dicks to Look More Like?

OF COURSE
It's not about anime so why proofread shit? Dudes don't like reading about other dudes' dicks. They like reading about ANIME TIDDIES ONLY

http://kotaku.com/no-conan-dicks-for-you-xbox-one-1793076142

Anime, Boobs Anime Boobs Waifu Anime

THESE THINGS WRITE THEMSELVES

You would. You fucking would.

Asscraft choosing his news stories to write, a short play:

::Asscraft is sitting alone on the floor of a tiny room crammed with anime figures and Naruto books or whatever weeaboo shit was cool five years ago ::
// His eyes light up, a new email! //
Oh, hooray, the news oni have smiled upon me again. Oh this is PERFECT for my readership! A life-sized anime statue? How unique! How remarkable! What perfect craftsmanship and oh so newsworthy.

::Asscraft begins typing furiously::
:: He ejaculates on keyboard::
::He presses Publish::

.. FIN ..

Over the Years, Cunts Like This Are Have Been Will Could Them We ITS!

PROOFREAD. YOUR. FUCKING. BLOG. YOU. FUCKING. GOD DAMN. FUCKING. TOOL.

It's unreal. It's 50% of your posts, man. Just re-read them. Even after they have gone live. Re-read them and fix them.

You are the worst.

Source: http://kotaku.com/screw-waldo-lets-find-pikachu-1708391124

ROOK RIKE ASSCLAFT AT IT AGAIN

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Purposeful Engrish? Or Actual Wapanese Conversion??

I'd like to quote a famous married couple to start off my emotions on this one:

"DIS SHIT DON'T STOP! WE AT IT AGAIN!"

Never mind fact that this considered "news" for game journalist website. Never mind fact that only 1% of Kotaku's readership is live in Japan. Never mind fact that no one care about operating system for store. It is problem when paid journalist cannot write for garbage, when write about garbage.

See what I did there? I recycled that shit. (OH WE AT IT AGAIN!)

Three seconds, Brian. Three seconds to quickly re-read your post and presto, errors fixed. Instead you just come off as a god damn illiterate hack that would rather use those three seconds to jerk off to anime statues until wifey gets home.

Source: http://kotaku.com/pokemon-center-runs-on-windows-7-1708135093

I Dreamed a Dream (Brian the Miserable)

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong...

I dreamed a dream of reviews gone by
When hope was high
For news worth reading
I dreamed that Kotaku would soon die
I dreamed that Gawker would be intriguing
Then I was young and unafraid
And clickbait was made and used and wasted
There were no games to be played
No blurb abused
No report untasteless

And the postings come at night
With their useless cell phone pictures
As they tear your eyes apart
As they turn The Witcher to shame

Brian wrote a summer by my side
He filled my days with awful grammar
He took my journalism in his stride
But he was gone when Japan came

And still I dream he'll make a change
That hentai humor will leave his vocab
But there are dreams that are out of range
And there are weeaboos we can't slash-stab!

I had a dream game news would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now, from what it seemed
Now Brian has killed the dream I dreamed

Source: http://kotaku.com/sadly-geralt-doesnt-have-a-penis-1707636628

Readers, we love you too.

You feel us. Enjoy these choice keywords pulled from our Google analytics.We've lost a good chunk of our previous targets, but oh you're still our meal ticket. For Pocky. KAWAIIII

Creationary Sexisming

Makin' up words like the pros and I am not even gonna sink to a political joke. Journality is Ashcraft's specialing.
And somehow you managed to make the subject of dirty games, a usually riveting and hilarious subject, into something more boring than political discourse.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5748451/before-there-was-dragon-quest-there-were-dirty-games

Everything Is Better In Japan

EVEN THE INTERNET

Because, according to Asscraft, rumors are circulating on the JAPANESE INTERNET

Clearly superior to the slow, fat, lazy American Internet!

Is there a point where his ridiculous attitude towards Japan/America constitutes racism? Nah, I won't play that card yet. Because I'm sure we'll get the chance later.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5474554/dont-worry-about-final-fantasy-xi-just-yet

Haru Cares - NO ONE.

Oh my shit did you seriously make a post on a gaming blog about a movie released on 24 screens IN JAPAN

YOU DID

And, you went so far as to illustrate your shitty point with two really superbly boring screencaptures!

Why did I click on the #haruhisuzumiya tag. I cannot believe you, a grown man, married to a Japanese woman, who lives in Japan, can care THAT MUCH ABOUT AN ANIMU GIRL

Source: http://kotaku.com/5474587/so-hows-the-haruhi-suzumiya-movie-doing

Nice To Meet You, Here Are Some Words, Pretend I Went To School And Graduated With A Degree Only To Be Pulling The Wool Over All Your Eyes

You know what would be a great reality show? BRIAN ASSCRAFT DOES JAPAN. You see, no reality show is ever profitable unless the main focus is on a complete and utter moron, (or, to be fair, a group of individuals being amazing). But since we know that Brian has no chance of being the latter, we could make our big bucks by focusing on his retardedness.
Actually, this is kind of similar to the whole Kotaku readership -> Brian's meaningless posts relationship. Brian gets paid to post absolutely ASANINE content, and we KEEP reading it. The human race is pretty amazing, but mainly horrendous, simply because the above statement is 100% our own fault.
It may seem like I am leading up to some huge insight to something, but really I'm not. I just wanted a nice buffer to prepare your mind for Brian:
"I don't know about elsewhere as I've never moved really in America!"
I never competed in NASCAR but I sure as hell know that those cars move really FAST.
"The plan is to introduce ourselves on either Saturday and Sunday to some of our neighbors (those living closest to us) and give them the towels."
WHOOOOOA. I feel like Neo taking the red pill! Those living closest to me are.... my neighbors? FUCKING WILD.
Source: http://kotaku.com/5222535/nice-to-meet-you-here-is-some-detergent-be-nice-to-me

How Many People Want Kotaku Editor a Fired?

I've been away from GJK for awhile, busy with life, and to be completely honest, sick of Kotaku. I experienced some sort of burnout. I stopped reading, stopped checking... stopped caring. Sad really, because I remember laughing incredibly hard at the misfortune of Kotaku's staff.

But like a gift from the Gods, reading the new posts from my partners brought the bounce back into my step. A surge of some hope, that I could pick ANY article at random, and find a gem. I scrolled through the list of recent news and my eyes locked onto the gorgeous Orbital Frame from Zone of the Enders. I then noticed it was written by Brian Asscraft. God I wish I could place bets with these odds.

"ZoE spawned two three sequels as well as two anime."

Two three sequels?? Well which is it?!

"How many people really want Zone of the Enders a sequel?"

Nice.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5220446/kojima-productions-who-wants-zone-of-the-enders-3

Good Knight, Sweet Prince of Illiteracy

Nevermind the GI-FUCKING-GANTIC cell phone picture that you didn't even take the time to crop or scale down... but how about that last sentence of yours?

"an red-headed night"

Bravo, Brian. Bravo. Was "an auburn-headed knight" too complex for your wife to read?

Source: http://kotaku.com/5202786/first-peek-at-tales-of-vesperia-anime

Awful Writers Who Live In Glass Houses

Shouldn't throw stones at Egon.

Oh wait, no, maybe he lives in a Japanese glass house so he can throw stones cause it's made of some future polymer and won't break.

Go ahead and make shitty comments about other people's writing. Pot calling the kettle black, and all. Because everyone will remember your fantastic website 20 years from now when MINIBASH is still watching Ghostbusters.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5191263/egon-spengler-kind-of-helped-with-ghostbusters-game-dialogue

What's A Japan?

Holy shit, Brian, your kid didn't know what a radio was?! Man that's so shocking! Maybe you should mention a cotton gin or mining cart, you know, to see if he questions that too. OOH OOH! Make some lude reference to TITS or DILDO and see if he questions those items as well!

Revelation: People ask questions about things that are new to them! I'm sure when you were a little Mini-Bash faggot you asked the exact same question, even though the radio was more prevelant in your time.

Editor's Note: Maybe because you forgot to pronounce it rajio or write it down in kanji: ラジオ

Source: http://kotaku.com/5190027/whats-a-radio

NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH JAPANESE LADY PLAYS VIDEO GAMES

HOLY SHIT POST SOME STREET FIGHTER STATISTICS TO MAKE THIS ABOUT VIDEO GAMES
OH MY GOD SOMETIMES GIRLS PLAY GAMES! I think to properly report that fact, you should post multiple pictures of AZN WMN!
I bet you've got her on speed dial on your minuscule DoCoMo phone with four Doraemon charms hanging off it, don't you, Brian? Oh wait, no, because you're married to a Japanese woman. I almost forgot what a huge fetish you have for Japanese women, that you demonstrate by posting multiple pictures of Japanese women.
I'm renaming your blog, douche.

Kotaku: The Gamer's Guide To Japanese Women By Someone Qualified To Tell You Because He Is Married To One

Source: http://kotaku.com/5189702/the-top-spelunker-player-in-japan-is-a-pin+up-model

Rumor: less than 1% of Kotaku's readership can actually read Japanese

You know, I found some other interesting statistics about Japan this morning. Apparently, a staggering .71% of Kotaku's traffic originates in Japan. Since such a significant percentage of their readership is obviously fluent in Japanese, it's completely appropriate to source a Japanese website without even the half-assed courtesy of a machine-translated proxy. You stupid fucks.

So thanks for the completely relevant and important info. I'd never have imagined that Japanese gamers don't like a shitty American movie game about a franchise that has been popular in Japan for decades now. In fact, I still wouldn't believe it if you hadn't backed it up with source material in a language that nearly all of your readership CAN'T EVEN FUCKING READ.

*slow clap* indeed.

Source: ゲームドラゴンボール エボリューション