Flashback Friday: Asscraft 'Oblivious' to Proofreading 11 Years Ago

When I found this blast from the past I questioned how I could have missed it, and I think the reason is because Asscraft was hiding his best work on the Australian sister site of Kotaku. But that's fine with me because what a treat to find it 11 years later! Welcome to Flashback Fridays! (You shut your mouth I am aware it is Sunday today, KAREN).

Sigh... the title alone warned me to get ready, and sure, I have definitely changed over the last 11 years and cringed at some of the stuff I've said in the past, but even 11 years ago this would have boiled my blood. But before we get to the best part, no Asscraft article exists without a lack of proofreading:

Ah, the irony! I'll take sentences that make no sense god I wish you put a modicum of effort in to reading them just one time after writing them for 800, Alex.

"The answer is: 'That doesn't mean that she was obvious to Chun-Li — she wasn't.'"

What is Brian Asscraft's obliviousness to the word oblivious?

"Great job, Gaston. You have control of the board!"

I'll take scumbag misogynists who live in Japan and won't stop talking about their Japanese wife and Japanese schoolgirls for 1000, Alex!

"And THAT'S' the Daily Double. This scumbag who lives in Japan and won't stop talking about their Japanese wife and Japanese schoolgirls wrote this shitty line 11 years ago instead of standing up for the actress and calling out any fucking weeaboo that thinks in this manner."

Who is Brian Asscraft!

"Right again, Gaston. Bonus points for the correct pronunciation of his last name too. You're in the lead!"

Source: https://www.kotaku.com.au/2009/02/chunli_movie_actress_has_only_played_street_fighter_once-2/

Kotaku Fails To Launch Line of PCs With Spell Check

Brian, I know working 4 hours a day as Editor in Chief takes up a lot of your Nippon culture-absorbing time to the point where you're typing these 'articles' with your left hand, polishing your Kurosawa nodachi with your right, and slapping Publish with your fucking gaijin topknot before re-reading your copy, so in a wacky universe where GJK doesn't exist it could maybe be understandable why some of your spelling and grammar errors slip through:

But we live in THIS universe and in THIS universe you still haven't proofread your shit for the last 10 years. For fuck's sake dude I just took two milliseconds out of my life and copy-pasted your sentence into a Gmail draft and it INSTANTLY told me something was awry:

Seriously, what fucking software do you pathetic excuse for writers use at Kotaku that you miss this kinda shit? Certainly must be some long making software (hehe). I really want to know. Do you just draft in notepad? Oh, sorry, 'noturopadu.' What happens when your ejaculate misses your napkin and hits your power strip, shorting it and causing your PC to restart? Do you lose everything you've written and just shrug it off like you're John Ritter on an episode of Three's Company because you know you can just slam your keyboard like a fucking LSD-tripping monkey and people will still read your garbage?

Maybe try composing your articles in Gmail from now on and save me from the inevitable aneurysm that has long BEEN forming in my skull from reading your shit.

Source: https://kotaku.com/konami-launches-a-line-of-gaming-pcs-1844541222

Resident Cheese Beef Bowl Face Brian Asscraft Apologizes For Not Being Cool

Just kidding, he'll never do that because he's never going to start proofreading. Admit it, I got you with that clickbait didn't I? 

PLAYERZ. With a Z, Brian. Come on.

An apology? Apologies? Sega apologized? Wow, look at that. This writing stuff is easy. Maybe I should make content for a blog. Oh wait.

PROOFREAD YOUR SHIT, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

Oh and secondly, it doesn't matter that Nagoshi is a SEGA exec, you god damn twerp, you shouldn't say those kind of things no matter who you are! (Unless you are a wonderful staff member of GJK specifically targeting terrible game "journalism" blogs). GOODBYE.

Source: https://kotaku.com/sega-apologies-after-producer-uses-slang-to-mock-puzzle-1844568653

It's 2020 And Brian "Cunt" Asscraft Is Still At It!

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Has Anyone Really Read Kotaku Far Even as Decided to Use Even Go Want Game Dicks to Look More Like?

OF COURSE
It's not about anime so why proofread shit? Dudes don't like reading about other dudes' dicks. They like reading about ANIME TIDDIES ONLY

http://kotaku.com/no-conan-dicks-for-you-xbox-one-1793076142

BEEEPEEEBEEPEPEBEEBEBEEPPE BREAKING NEWS

THIS JUST IN
A HIGH-DEFINITION REMAKE OF A PLAYSTATION ONE GAME HAS SHARP GRAPHICS ON A CONSOLE THREE GENERATIONS NEWER THAN THE ONE IT WAS MADE FOR

Mike Fahey, you don't need to be Kurt Fucking Loder and bust into my Sugar Ray music videos with a news story on a thing that is a fact

Source:
http://kotaku.com/parappa-the-rapper-is-looking-really-sharp-on-ps4-1789681906

group words to form sentences

I mean I guess at the basest form, that's what Heather Alexandra does. She puts facts in order. And uses punctuation. Most of the time, correctly. In this internet, that's all it takes to be a writer. A published writer.

Is this a Wikipedia article about a hentai game written by a god damn old person who has never used the fucking internet

OH DIRTY SEX OH MYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Heather, I look forward to reading your articles. Because even if they are horrifically boring, they may yet be the best edited on the site. Congratulations. You can write sentences.

1-800-HOTLINEBULLSHIT

Welp we can at least give them credit for not burying the lede in this one. But why would you read this boring sloppy paragraph and click on the link to read MORE?

"A WILD NEW WEBSITE THAT WILL NO DOUBT BE USED BY MANY PEOPLE" is this actual satire or

Also this is probably more than what some of these poor schmucks get paid.

Source:
http://kotaku.com/new-hotline-lets-you-pay-to-talk-to-game-developers-1789731169

kotaku is among worst web sight write about vidya gaem

We herd u liek our bullshit so here you go, we'll get back in the shit-saddle

This post has been up for 24 motherfucking hours with a completely unreadable lede. I'm just so exhausted thinking about how much more kotaku I'm going to have to put into my poor eyes that I can't even say anything else about what a fucking joke of a website it is now and oh guess what has always been, and there's archives on here from 2009 showing IT AINT NOTHIN NEW

Original dumbfuck:
http://kotaku.com/brutal-pokemon-sun-and-moon-hack-makes-the-game-way-har-1789730347

Anime, Boobs Anime Boobs Waifu Anime

THESE THINGS WRITE THEMSELVES

You would. You fucking would.

Asscraft choosing his news stories to write, a short play:

::Asscraft is sitting alone on the floor of a tiny room crammed with anime figures and Naruto books or whatever weeaboo shit was cool five years ago ::
// His eyes light up, a new email! //
Oh, hooray, the news oni have smiled upon me again. Oh this is PERFECT for my readership! A life-sized anime statue? How unique! How remarkable! What perfect craftsmanship and oh so newsworthy.

::Asscraft begins typing furiously::
:: He ejaculates on keyboard::
::He presses Publish::

.. FIN ..

JFC slow your roll

Who is this fresh meat new-ish writer on Kotaku? A new target, you say??

Cool forty-fucking-page diatribe on a fucking cartoon character and how they are "the worst." You know what else is the worst?

1. Kotaku
2. You
3. Brian Ashcraft
4. Kotaku

If you'd put this much energy towards writing real content maybe Kotaku wouldn't be such a cesspool of internet garbage. N/M that earth's already been salted.

We here at GJK are fueled ENTIRELY by hate and rage, and our shit doesn't even go past the fold on your mobile device. Tina, you got no chill.

In today's non-news from Japan

Asscraft provides us with a report of a report of a FUCKING FACEBOOK POLL ABOUT ANIME

And then the results? A LIST OF FUCKING ANIME. Not like, why should we watch it, what it is, if it's even in fucking English at all, or where to watch it.

JUST A GOD DAMN LIST OF FUCKING ANIME

Way to report from the moon, Asscraft!

Of note: we have a tag from the last time he did this, during E3, so I have helpfully added that so you can get all of your Brian Ashcraft / anime post needs fulfilled at once.

Anal-itics

Search keywords still fresh as hell, thanks readers for keeping it so damn real:

To be fair, we probably should start Great Job, Polygon but I don't know that any of us could handle it without having an aneurysm.

Dis Shit Don't Stop

Holy shit we have been doing this for six motherfucking years already? KOTAKU IS STILL AS HEINOUS AS IT EVER HAS BEEN!
So, we are all up our collective asses about Fallout 4, surely. Kotaku brings you breaking news with "All The Juicy Details Hidden In The Fallout 4 Trailer" (shitty capitalization and random italics theirs, not even mine)

DID YOU SEE THE DOG

WHATS THIS LOL I DUNNO LETS ASK MIKE FAHEY HE KNOWS THINGS

Oh good all of the JUICY DETAILS and they sure are HIDDEN!
This entire fucking article was written as if you were describing the Fallout 4 trailer to a blind person. Which, in that case, I guess those juicy details would in fact be hidden but only because of the fact that THEY CANNOT SEE WITH THEIR EYES

JESUS CHRIST HOW IS THIS SITE STILL IN EXISTENCE THEY ARE SO OUT OF NEWS

Three Strikes and You're Out, Brian!

I wish I had something witty for this one, but all I have are the first three articles that showed up at the top of Kotaku's shitty excuse for a gaming news site, all courtesy of our NIHON resident, Boring Asscraft.

1) http://kotaku.com/13-random-russians-that-look-like-famous-celebrities-1708663576
GREAT!! A post about an old post that was re-posted recently, so why not talk about it!? DUHHH. I'm a journalist of course!

2) http://kotaku.com/japanese-ice-cream-face-art-1708656823
Japanese topic. No brainer. I'm surprised Brian's wife taking a shit isn't a god damn headline yet.

3) http://kotaku.com/pikachu-is-selling-ketchup-in-japan-1708654268
Pikachu. Selling. Ketchup.

Let's refresh ourselves with Kotaku's mission statement:

"Thank you for reading Kotaku, a news and opinion site about games and things serious gamers care about. We’re here to inform you and, sometimes, entertain you."

Yeah. Serious gamers. Ketchup, ice cream, and Russian strangers. One thing's for sure, entertainment is about as present on this site as the proofreading abilities of Brian and Mike.

Source? http://kotaku.com/about

Over the Years, Cunts Like This Are Have Been Will Could Them We ITS!

PROOFREAD. YOUR. FUCKING. BLOG. YOU. FUCKING. GOD DAMN. FUCKING. TOOL.

It's unreal. It's 50% of your posts, man. Just re-read them. Even after they have gone live. Re-read them and fix them.

You are the worst.

Source: http://kotaku.com/screw-waldo-lets-find-pikachu-1708391124

ROOK RIKE ASSCLAFT AT IT AGAIN

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Purposeful Engrish? Or Actual Wapanese Conversion??

I'd like to quote a famous married couple to start off my emotions on this one:

"DIS SHIT DON'T STOP! WE AT IT AGAIN!"

Never mind fact that this considered "news" for game journalist website. Never mind fact that only 1% of Kotaku's readership is live in Japan. Never mind fact that no one care about operating system for store. It is problem when paid journalist cannot write for garbage, when write about garbage.

See what I did there? I recycled that shit. (OH WE AT IT AGAIN!)

Three seconds, Brian. Three seconds to quickly re-read your post and presto, errors fixed. Instead you just come off as a god damn illiterate hack that would rather use those three seconds to jerk off to anime statues until wifey gets home.

Source: http://kotaku.com/pokemon-center-runs-on-windows-7-1708135093