This Just In: Mike Fahey On Course To Graduate High School In A 2350

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Really, Mike? Do you REALLY think you can get away with a sarcastic remark about someone else's poor writing skills while moments prior you construct an illegible sentence? Nevermind the fact that the press release is obviously written by someone that did not have English as their first language... you have the upper hand of being born here, (The West, in case you're reading, Asscraft), and you still can't proofread your articles for simple, completely noticeable mistakes.

Let's not even talk about the lack of commas in that bottom paragraph. Good lord.

You blow a mind.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5192211/former-diablo-ii-lead-artist-lays-down-the-law

America's Army 3: Are You Interested In Some of It Is Amazing Features?

And just when I thought you guys were going to run us out of business, you deliver this beautiful gem:

"If you're interested in reading up on how the game plays and some of it's amazing features, like tactical sound, realistic ricochet and how gravity effects the bullets your fire, make sure to check out our hands on with the game."

Thanks, Crecente. I can feed my starving mouth once again. It's very hungry. (See, I took two words, "it" and "is" and used an apostrophe to conjoin them together! ::winku:: )

Source: http://kotaku.com/5190957/americas-army-3-coming-to-steam

What I Would Have Give To Be Able To Read Kotaku

The thought process in writing this post:
Reiterate again that Microsoft somehow rolled some anthropomorphic eyes
Remember that punctuation is helpful but it doesn't really matter where it goes in the sentence, as long as it's there
Right click >> Thesaurus >> choose fifty-cent word like "abject"
Butcher English language

Source: http://kotaku.com/5192250/microsoft-discounts-ps2-price-cut

Brian Ashcraft is nearly 100 percent a failure

I drop shadows like MCA drops beats.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5191628/final-fantasy-xiii-uses-nearly-100-percent-of-ps3-power

Awful Writers Who Live In Glass Houses

Shouldn't throw stones at Egon.

Oh wait, no, maybe he lives in a Japanese glass house so he can throw stones cause it's made of some future polymer and won't break.

Go ahead and make shitty comments about other people's writing. Pot calling the kettle black, and all. Because everyone will remember your fantastic website 20 years from now when MINIBASH is still watching Ghostbusters.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5191263/egon-spengler-kind-of-helped-with-ghostbusters-game-dialogue

What's A Japan?

Holy shit, Brian, your kid didn't know what a radio was?! Man that's so shocking! Maybe you should mention a cotton gin or mining cart, you know, to see if he questions that too. OOH OOH! Make some lude reference to TITS or DILDO and see if he questions those items as well!

Revelation: People ask questions about things that are new to them! I'm sure when you were a little Mini-Bash faggot you asked the exact same question, even though the radio was more prevelant in your time.

Editor's Note: Maybe because you forgot to pronounce it rajio or write it down in kanji: ラジオ

Source: http://kotaku.com/5190027/whats-a-radio

NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH JAPANESE LADY PLAYS VIDEO GAMES

HOLY SHIT POST SOME STREET FIGHTER STATISTICS TO MAKE THIS ABOUT VIDEO GAMES
OH MY GOD SOMETIMES GIRLS PLAY GAMES! I think to properly report that fact, you should post multiple pictures of AZN WMN!
I bet you've got her on speed dial on your minuscule DoCoMo phone with four Doraemon charms hanging off it, don't you, Brian? Oh wait, no, because you're married to a Japanese woman. I almost forgot what a huge fetish you have for Japanese women, that you demonstrate by posting multiple pictures of Japanese women.
I'm renaming your blog, douche.

Kotaku: The Gamer's Guide To Japanese Women By Someone Qualified To Tell You Because He Is Married To One

Source: http://kotaku.com/5189702/the-top-spelunker-player-in-japan-is-a-pin+up-model

Brian Crecente is making my life difficult

Man, we were going through a drought there over the weekend. Owen "writes kinda" Good made me think for a second that you guys might actually be catching on. Thankfully though, Crecente stepped in this morning and set things right. Er, wrong.

Seriously though Brian, if you're gonna make three obvious errors in the same story, can you at least have the decency to put them all close together? Your errors are so widespread that I had to screencap them three times. I'm starting to think you're doing this on purpose so we'll get lazy and skip stuff like this. Wait, you guys are far too stupid for such a clever plan. Nevermind.I discovered that you don't know your tenses.
So, id is incorporating this veil into every multiplayer game ever? That's a tall order. On a related note, I think I might start putting my adjectives after my nouns too. It makes me sound old-timey when I'm making fun of the websites ridiculous.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5190809/wolfenstein-lifts-the-veil

Consumer Alert: Japanese only game filled with bugs!

Watch out for this game, you 1% of kotaku readers who live in japan. DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA apparently is buggy. Surely this information will be useful to you guys. What I don't get is why every time this asshole mentions DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA, he has to refer to it as its full title. Anything shorter than DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA is unacceptable, and the game must be referred to as DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA at all times. I guess when he plays DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA on his Mircrosoft Xbox360 Gaming Console, he needs to get the most fulfillment out of that or some bullshit. Also, thanks for telling us what the fuck DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA translates to. I bet it's something like "Brian asscraft likes to lick cocks that are Black EXTRA"

Source: http://kotaku.com/5187884/shipments-of-buggy-xbox-360-maniac-shooter-halted

Rice Overload

When my brother and I were young, we used to make a concoction called "dairy overload." We would devour a bowl of ice cream, alongside a tall glass of milk, and top it off with some yogurt of appropriate flavor. It was approximately 16 servings of dairy, well above what any nutritionist would recommend for daily intake, for fear of inducing a heart attack. What we have here is the very equivalent of dairy overload, except in the painful form of pure distilled JAPAN. Only instead of having the pleasure of eating it, it has being processed into a shitty journalistic form, and is being force fed through our eyeballs. The whole thing starts off with a banner at the top denoting that it's from japan, and is subsequently followed by a picture of not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR FUCKING JAPANESE PEOPLE. Oh but he's not done yet. Before you can recover from the one-two punch asscraft-san has delivered to you unsuspecting gut, he coup de graces you with an uppercut straight to the chin explaining how oto-san has a better relationship with his rice eating family. I think I've most definitely ingested about 3000% my recommended lifetime value of nihon with this one post. There's a tingling in my chest and left arm... Source: http://kotaku.com/5186742/wii-fit-helps-men-talk-to-their-families

Goodniught, Sweet Prince

Normally I don't like to nitpick over the smaller mistake you idiots make, but really, over the course of weeks, days and niughts, it's amazing how much it adds up.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5185915/gamify-your-google-with-igoogle-game-themes

You Are THE Worst Journalist To Date - Mike Fahey Is An Asshole: Part 3

It's reporting like this that just STEAMS MY NUTS. Here you have a man, who sits at home, or on location, or wherever the fuck he is, and somehow finds the audacity to, one, call half his readership morons, and two, make false claims on a corporation that is doing extremely well during this economic turmoil. If I wanted a fucking ED/OP piece I would go to a website that has reputable journalists with EDUCATED opinions.

You sir, Mike Fahey, are one of the most illiterate people I have ever seen on a major publication website, and yet you come trotting in on your high horse accusing half your readership of not being smart enough to understand simple net earnings and sales. The hypocrisy of this moment in time will stick with me forever.

Here's a thought. Lead by example. Explain to your readers why these numbers are important and why they should pay attention to them. Your readers are young and impressionable... maybe you can steer them on the proper course instead of them sitting at home learning how to improperly spell because of you.

Thinking this couldn't get any worse, I read on. Low and behold, what do I find? That's right, your shitty attitude towards a company that is booming. A company that is IN YOUR FIELD. A company that will be opening up 400 stores and giving NEW JOBS to people that are JOBLESS in this economic catastrophe. These jobless people are your GOD DAMN, MOTHER FUCKING READERS! But that doesn't matter, right? As long as you get to make an unprovoked jab using fabricated fact about the company for a couple chuckles from your 'moronic' readers.

Jesus Christ how do you not think about what you write before you write it? If I ever have the displeasure of meeting you in person, I find comfort in the knowledge that I will completely destroy you on a verbal level. You are filth.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5185277/gamestop-reports-record-2008-more-stores-imminent

The Dictionary: Break One Out!

You know what I'm not going to let you get away with? That's right, not proofreading.

Why are you the worst writer ever, Mike Fahey? God damn it.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5185254/sex+rated-xbox-community-game-not-all-that-sexy

As has been previous announced, Asshat thinks we can all read pixelated Japanese.

At first, I thought Asshat himself interviewed Tetsuya Nomura for this article. Then, I realized that was ridiculous, because who would let themselves be interviewed by this doofus?

Then it occurred to me that he might have overheard this interview at the GDC. But no, remember that Asshat is in JAPAN JAPAN I LIVE IN JAPAN DESU NE!?

But I finally figured it out. Dickhole here read this in some unsourced Japanese magazine, and instead of referencing said article, he simply took a picture of it. Brilliant. Well, I guess since that's what real journalists do, I can do the same thing for my source:


Just kidding. I refernce my shit for real, jerks.

Source: ブライアンは、愚かな女です (That's Google Translate for "Brian is a stupid cunt")

Rumor: less than 1% of Kotaku's readership can actually read Japanese

You know, I found some other interesting statistics about Japan this morning. Apparently, a staggering .71% of Kotaku's traffic originates in Japan. Since such a significant percentage of their readership is obviously fluent in Japanese, it's completely appropriate to source a Japanese website without even the half-assed courtesy of a machine-translated proxy. You stupid fucks.

So thanks for the completely relevant and important info. I'd never have imagined that Japanese gamers don't like a shitty American movie game about a franchise that has been popular in Japan for decades now. In fact, I still wouldn't believe it if you hadn't backed it up with source material in a language that nearly all of your readership CAN'T EVEN FUCKING READ.

*slow clap* indeed.

Source: ゲームドラゴンボール エボリューション

Holy Shit Brian, Please See A Doctor!

I am seriously worried about you. I'm hoping this is because of some GDC high, or maybe too many cocks in your mouth and hands as you type. That sentence is unbearable.

P.S. Holy fuck, I just re-read it after posting. I am flabbergasted.

P.P.S. Wow, me and Blake simulposted AGAIN. I love this blog.
Source: http://kotaku.com/5184511/hands-on-with-iphones-star-defense

When typing the how when who into with what I hate you stupid jerks.

My nose started bleeding when I tried to make sense of this paragraph. That second sentence quite literally made me yell out loud in frustration. How can you let this slide, Brian? How in the ever living fuck you 'tards can even manage to turn a computer on, let alone convince someone to pay you for this is nothing short of a goddamn miracle. It's fucked up. ALMOST as fucked up as that second sentence.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5184511/hands-on-with-iphones-star-defense

It'd Be A Mean, Mean Person If I DIDN'T Make Fun Of You

Are you serious with that sentence? I mean, really. I guess I can accept the fact that none of you half-wits read your own posts, probably because you think you are god's gift to journalism, but what about reading your co-workers' posts? Is that too much to ask? How do you fucking morons miss this shit!?

Source: http://kotaku.com/5181625/see-onlive-in-action

Great Job, Kotaku Gives Mr. McWhertor 'A The' Chance To Proofread

Great Job! Your chance has expired!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5184375/come-touch-hideo-kojima-at-san-franciscos-apple-store

While? Will? Potato, Potahto. It's The Periods That Matter!

No, I'm just kidding Who needs periods, right? Better yet who needs commas either or even apostrophes and question marks Its not like we cant perfectly read what someone is trying to say when they forget the most simplistic of things i know lets get rid of all capitalization too and then we can talk like every other single 18 year old piece of shit on the internet who somehow passed highschool and then got this stupid job writing ridiculous articles for a subpar but amazingly adored website

Source: http://kotaku.com/5183937/see-nintendo-demonstrate-rock-n-roll-climber

Hoepfully Mike Fahey Grows A Brain

I'm not holding my breath. ::sigh::

Source: http://kotaku.com/5183949/the-legend-of-zelda-spirit-tracks-coming-to-the-ds

Lost in a sea of madness

Oh my dear ashcraft, thank you for being my one glimmering hope in a world gone awry. When everyone else is led astray reporting nonsense news from some conference no one even cares about, I can always count on you to grab kotaku by the reigns and report the news that REALLY matters. Forget all that other garbage, tell me about anime coming out. Thank you brian. Thank you.

How Is Babby Formed?

They need to do way instain mother!

Three in a row, Brian. Proofread your shit, you caveman.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5183260/the-brutal-art-of-brutal-legend

Crecente Gets Boner for id Software, Loses All Blood From His Head

My horrible day has been turned around! Thank you Brian for your unbelievable post. I think this is a record. All you need to do is read your own writing ONCE. Just ONCE, and you would fix these ridiculous errors.

God you're a fucking retard.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5183223/id-considering-enemy-territory-for-quake-live-treatment

Well, At Least You Spelled San Francisco Properly This Time

Yay, Brian, you're learning! Oh wait. :/

Source: http://kotaku.com/5176889/game-developers-conference-its-on

American People Are Less Interested In Your Articles

I'm not sure what pisses me off more about this article. The fact that he's doing his nihon no stasstistics thing, or the fact that his source is just a solid page of this:
Source: http://kotaku.com/5183011/japanese-people-are-less-interested-in-video-games

Kotaku Recruits Idiot From THE EAST. Oh Wait, It's Just Asscraft

DUDE. FUCK YOU. This is normally Nature Watch's area, but that boy is in the middle of killing himself because of your existance.

I never realized how often you do this. This blog not only brings Kotaku's consistent, daily, and unforgivable grammar to light, but it blows my mind how special you think you are for fucking living in NIPPON! God damn it. You are FROM AMERICA. If you are going to call us "The West" why on Earth don't you call yourself "The East"? How about changing it up a bit? Stateside. The USA. The United States of America. Cah-toon Land. Any of these are acceptable!

Barring all that... this game is not ONLY FOR JAPAN. Nice headline, moron.

Oh, and on something completely unrelated... Quit it with that minibash and microbash shit. You're a god damn adult. "My son did this... my younger son did that." See how pleasant that sounds?

Source: http://kotaku.com/5183035/bionic-commando-gets-firm-release-date-for-japan

Teeming With Life or Teeming With Lye?

Seriously... no sarcasm whatsoever. Considering you are describing the city's ability to look good or evil, "teeming with life" and "teeming with lye" can both work. It's just a damn shame none of you ever proofread your writing and gaurantee us some solid journalism.

Okay so I'm stretching with the whole 'lye is evil' thing, but you get my point! We don't have 70+ posts in 2 weeks because we're making this shit up.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5183004/be-good-be-evil-in-infamous

Tough Economic Times Call For Hard Cocks

We are greatly distraught over the huge hit that the world's economy has taken in the past six months. Truly we need to get back on the right track and reassure the global markets that investor security will bHEY CHECK OUT THIS HOT ASIAN CHICK LET'S ALL JACK OFF.

P.S. From Gaston: "Marvelous Entertainment has asking" -- Asscraft

Source: http://kotaku.com/5181271/marvelous-entertainment-asks-17-percent-of-workforce-to-quit

Are Blue The Third Is Red, Confesses Crecente!

I love how the lack of a single comma can make the most professional journalists appear like complete jackasses.

Ha! I said professional. I slay myself.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5182346/impressions-split-second-blends-well+timed-destruction-racing

Owen Good Deiivers More Spelling Errors!

I wish Owen would serve himself a nutritious breakfast, namely my sperm. Maybe with the extra protein he'll have the energy to proofread his fucking articles. God damn it.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5179129/super-nintoaster---its-for-breakfast-now

Brian Asscraft's Triumphant Return To The Land of The Rising Sun Desu Ne!

For a second I scared myself. I thought that brian-san had abandoned emporer hirohito in favor of getting a pint down at the pub. Luckily my fears proved fruitless when I read THE FIRST FUCKING WORD OF THAT HEADLINE. Seriously what the fucking jesus christ. I'm sure I would be lost an unable to keep myself together if I didn't have a real-time feed of what the fuck the shoppers in osaka den-den are most content with. Thank the lord that my personal information-on-what-the-japanese-are-doing news ticker is back up and fully operational, because I just might of had to kill myself if I had to live another hour without it. I think I'll kill myself anyway just for good measure.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5179724/japanese-gamers-more-satisfied-with-xbox-360-than-wii-or-ps3

Asscraft Abandons Japs, Becomes a Limey Brit!

Mr. Asscraft has been so kind to inform us that the new need for speed game hits shelves on September 17th, and then September 22nd in the USA. Naturally, after reading this, I raced to GJ,K to make a post about how he didn't feel the need to qualify the first release date with a location, but had to qualify the second, just to show that he's in japan not USA. After a 5 second google search (Something people at kotaku are seemingly incapable of when doing their fact checking most of the time), I actually discovered that he's referring to the european release date! Well, well, well, I guess we can now officially say that Asscraft is no longer trying to identify as wapanese, and has officially moved on to becoming bloody good chums with some mates down at his flat.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5180226/need-for-speed-shift-shifts-into-september

Mike Fahey's Writimg Reaches New Low

What more is there to say? He can't even see the obvious starimg him in the fuckimg face when it is sittimg right there in the god damn ARTICLE TITLE!

Please to be BOMBIMG yourself you piece of shit. UGH.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5180460/weekly-wii-update-shooting-bombimg-and-popping

Briiiiaaan Crecenteee! The San Franciso Treat! DING DING!

Hey Brian, maybe you should leave the San Francisco reporting to your San Francisco correspondent, AJ Glasser! At least he knows how to spell the fucking name of the city he is in!

Idiot.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5176889/game-developers-conference-its-on

The Is, PETA Care Packages Of The Future!

Today, Mike Fahey brings us the heart warming news that PETA, lover of all creatures, has sent a care package to Activision in response to the latest Call of Duty game, which features dog killing. The name of this special package? The Is.

Proofread your shit, dummy.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5180837/peta-fights-call-of-duty-dog-killing-with-nintendogs

Kotaku sucks...the is, they can't post a story without errors.

For fuck's sake Mike, do you ever proofread anything!? Wouldn't ONE of the two obvious errors in this sentence jump out at you? Shit, you're making PETA look reputable by comparison.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5180837/peta-fights-call-of-duty-dog-killing-with-nintendogs

Scale is all relative

LOL I AM NOT GOOD WITH COMPUTER HOW DOES BLOG GET HERE

Jesus christ man, can't you see that dude lookin' all Danny DeVito upins?!
Also I am actually quite surprised that there was no mention of the fact the guy's name is Heini. You stay classy, Kotaku!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5179225/german-cops-union-boss-issues-tired-plea-to-ban-games

Great Job, Gizmodo

I am now officially convinced that the entire gawker network is the biggest cesspool of mouth breathing, neckbeard sporting, fanny-pack wearing, leatherman equipped, wapanese faggots to ever walk to the face of god's green earth. I must say that I'm uncertain god exists if these fat fucks do as well.

I mean come on. This guy named MATT FUCKING BUCHANAN hates the way WHITE PEOPLE EAT ASIAN FOOD. I don't know what makes you so fucking special to be able detatch yourself from what you are, and somehow pretend you're a high and mighty yellow skinned savior. I don't understand how a whole company whose business is informative blogs can pack their staff with these assholes. It's like they're in a contest to see how many sites they can make that people don't want to visit.

I'm going to go do something less painful, like sticking my dick in an oven


Source: http://i.gizmodo.com/5175457/the-chopsticks-aid-turns-chopsticks-into-forks-for-lousy-white-people

HEY CHECK OUT HOW HOT THIS ASIAN CHICK IS

AREN'T ASIAN CHICKS HOT? YEAH I KNOW THEY TOTALLY ARE. THIS ONE IS REALLY HOT. MY WIFE IS ASIAN, DID YOU KNOW THAT? THAT MEANS SHE'S HOT. I'M MARRIED TO A HOT ASIAN WOMAN. SHE'S FROM JAPAN. OSAKA, JAPAN. I PUT MY WEINER IN HER.


I hate this man with every fiber of my being.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5177793/this-girl-is-wearing-a-famicom-bikini-she-crafted-herself

Now featuring weeaboo content that extends beyond the boundaries of my screen

Fucking look at this shit! I tried to take a screenshot with the picture and a good portion of text, but I COULDN'T BECAUSE THE GOD DAMN JAPANESE BROAD IS TAKING UP MY ENTIRE WEB BROWSER. Also, please take note that if you scroll down, you see another screen full of thumbnails of this bitch. Kotaku: Where news means pictures of asian girls in dresses.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5174427/shoko-nakagawa-returns-but-minus-the-mecha-cosplay

Fatties Unable To Signal End Of Wii eBay Hunting, Fahey Says

In a stunning article today, Mike Fahey bashes overweight people by not including them in the signaling of an end to ebay tracking available Wii's. Simply abhorent.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5175088/gamestop-wii-supply-finally-meets-wii-demand

New Post (Japan Time)

Really Brian? REALLY?? Like we didn't know you were speaking about yourself, once again, IN JAPAN!

Dear God we don't care about your fucking sleep schedule. Get a life! UGHGHGUEBGLKSRDjhbgfdsjkgvbnlkjb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5174905/what-should-i-do-tomorrow

A lil' plural/singular errors

So tell me, how many lil' mini-sub accessories do I get? You know what else is totally chibi? Michael McWhertor's writing skills.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5174337/shooting-game-capsule-toys-in-glorious-color

Brian Crecente Appears Brain Damaged, Birth Records Confirm

The blah blah has revealed in the, that [temp link] will be available on some date/replace soon, when something something gets approved by the ESRB.

Way to proofread, Brian Crecente. You are a star!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5173826/songbird-appears-in-marvel-ultimate-alliance-2

Series Touted For It Is Technical Proficiency

Find out if a website touted for its journalistic excellence and high standards for grammar can thrive under the scrunity of Great Job, Kotaku.

Spoiler: IT FUCKING CAN'T!

P.S. This is the third post specifically referencing Mike Fahey's inability to use the apostrophe correctly.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5173357/frankenreview-grand-theft-auto-chinatown-wars