Anime, Boobs Anime Boobs Waifu Anime

THESE THINGS WRITE THEMSELVES

You would. You fucking would.

Asscraft choosing his news stories to write, a short play:

::Asscraft is sitting alone on the floor of a tiny room crammed with anime figures and Naruto books or whatever weeaboo shit was cool five years ago ::
// His eyes light up, a new email! //
Oh, hooray, the news oni have smiled upon me again. Oh this is PERFECT for my readership! A life-sized anime statue? How unique! How remarkable! What perfect craftsmanship and oh so newsworthy.

::Asscraft begins typing furiously::
:: He ejaculates on keyboard::
::He presses Publish::

.. FIN ..

JFC slow your roll

Who is this fresh meat new-ish writer on Kotaku? A new target, you say??

Cool forty-fucking-page diatribe on a fucking cartoon character and how they are "the worst." You know what else is the worst?

1. Kotaku
2. You
3. Brian Ashcraft
4. Kotaku

If you'd put this much energy towards writing real content maybe Kotaku wouldn't be such a cesspool of internet garbage. N/M that earth's already been salted.

We here at GJK are fueled ENTIRELY by hate and rage, and our shit doesn't even go past the fold on your mobile device. Tina, you got no chill.

In today's non-news from Japan

Asscraft provides us with a report of a report of a FUCKING FACEBOOK POLL ABOUT ANIME

And then the results? A LIST OF FUCKING ANIME. Not like, why should we watch it, what it is, if it's even in fucking English at all, or where to watch it.

JUST A GOD DAMN LIST OF FUCKING ANIME

Way to report from the moon, Asscraft!

Of note: we have a tag from the last time he did this, during E3, so I have helpfully added that so you can get all of your Brian Ashcraft / anime post needs fulfilled at once.

Anal-itics

Search keywords still fresh as hell, thanks readers for keeping it so damn real:

To be fair, we probably should start Great Job, Polygon but I don't know that any of us could handle it without having an aneurysm.

Dis Shit Don't Stop

Holy shit we have been doing this for six motherfucking years already? KOTAKU IS STILL AS HEINOUS AS IT EVER HAS BEEN!
So, we are all up our collective asses about Fallout 4, surely. Kotaku brings you breaking news with "All The Juicy Details Hidden In The Fallout 4 Trailer" (shitty capitalization and random italics theirs, not even mine)

DID YOU SEE THE DOG

WHATS THIS LOL I DUNNO LETS ASK MIKE FAHEY HE KNOWS THINGS

Oh good all of the JUICY DETAILS and they sure are HIDDEN!
This entire fucking article was written as if you were describing the Fallout 4 trailer to a blind person. Which, in that case, I guess those juicy details would in fact be hidden but only because of the fact that THEY CANNOT SEE WITH THEIR EYES

JESUS CHRIST HOW IS THIS SITE STILL IN EXISTENCE THEY ARE SO OUT OF NEWS

Three Strikes and You're Out, Brian!

I wish I had something witty for this one, but all I have are the first three articles that showed up at the top of Kotaku's shitty excuse for a gaming news site, all courtesy of our NIHON resident, Boring Asscraft.

1) http://kotaku.com/13-random-russians-that-look-like-famous-celebrities-1708663576
GREAT!! A post about an old post that was re-posted recently, so why not talk about it!? DUHHH. I'm a journalist of course!

2) http://kotaku.com/japanese-ice-cream-face-art-1708656823
Japanese topic. No brainer. I'm surprised Brian's wife taking a shit isn't a god damn headline yet.

3) http://kotaku.com/pikachu-is-selling-ketchup-in-japan-1708654268
Pikachu. Selling. Ketchup.

Let's refresh ourselves with Kotaku's mission statement:

"Thank you for reading Kotaku, a news and opinion site about games and things serious gamers care about. We’re here to inform you and, sometimes, entertain you."

Yeah. Serious gamers. Ketchup, ice cream, and Russian strangers. One thing's for sure, entertainment is about as present on this site as the proofreading abilities of Brian and Mike.

Source? http://kotaku.com/about

Over the Years, Cunts Like This Are Have Been Will Could Them We ITS!

PROOFREAD. YOUR. FUCKING. BLOG. YOU. FUCKING. GOD DAMN. FUCKING. TOOL.

It's unreal. It's 50% of your posts, man. Just re-read them. Even after they have gone live. Re-read them and fix them.

You are the worst.

Source: http://kotaku.com/screw-waldo-lets-find-pikachu-1708391124

ROOK RIKE ASSCLAFT AT IT AGAIN

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Purposeful Engrish? Or Actual Wapanese Conversion??

I'd like to quote a famous married couple to start off my emotions on this one:

"DIS SHIT DON'T STOP! WE AT IT AGAIN!"

Never mind fact that this considered "news" for game journalist website. Never mind fact that only 1% of Kotaku's readership is live in Japan. Never mind fact that no one care about operating system for store. It is problem when paid journalist cannot write for garbage, when write about garbage.

See what I did there? I recycled that shit. (OH WE AT IT AGAIN!)

Three seconds, Brian. Three seconds to quickly re-read your post and presto, errors fixed. Instead you just come off as a god damn illiterate hack that would rather use those three seconds to jerk off to anime statues until wifey gets home.

Source: http://kotaku.com/pokemon-center-runs-on-windows-7-1708135093

I Dreamed a Dream (Brian the Miserable)

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong...

I dreamed a dream of reviews gone by
When hope was high
For news worth reading
I dreamed that Kotaku would soon die
I dreamed that Gawker would be intriguing
Then I was young and unafraid
And clickbait was made and used and wasted
There were no games to be played
No blurb abused
No report untasteless

And the postings come at night
With their useless cell phone pictures
As they tear your eyes apart
As they turn The Witcher to shame

Brian wrote a summer by my side
He filled my days with awful grammar
He took my journalism in his stride
But he was gone when Japan came

And still I dream he'll make a change
That hentai humor will leave his vocab
But there are dreams that are out of range
And there are weeaboos we can't slash-stab!

I had a dream game news would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now, from what it seemed
Now Brian has killed the dream I dreamed

Source: http://kotaku.com/sadly-geralt-doesnt-have-a-penis-1707636628