You Have Should Proofread This

Do they conjugate that way in Japanese? Man, you guys suck.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5225824/metal-gear-solid-4-goes-budget-in-japan

NSFW T&A & GJK & FU

Hey, thanks you worthless fucks. It'd be nice to scroll through your site without fear of coming across four tits or a CGI ass once in a while. It'd be even nicer if they weren't within four posts of each other. Now, don't get me wrong. I love Jane's Addiction and tits and asses. What I don't like is getting the Nth degree from my boss when he sees them on my monitor at work.

Sources: http://kotaku.com/5226327/its-good-to-be-the-saboteur and http://kotaku.com/5226082/nothings-shocking-in-next-weeks-rock-band-update

Yeah, Thank Goodness.

Oh, good. I'm glad Cave is porting Mushihime-sama Futari, because when I've played 5pb's ports I've notiOH WAIT WE CAN'T PLAY THOSE GAMES HERE IN "THE WEST."

I normally wouldn't go out of my way to post more "onry in Japan" bullshit, but something's fishy about this one. Could it be that it was posted because Cave is the developer behind everyone's favorite big squishy tits loli shooter DeathSmiles? KAWAII! ^-^!!!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5222247/developer-continues-to-struggle-with-shooter-ports

What To Hell?

You guys are to worst. Seriously, the first fucking sentence?

Source: http://kotaku.com/5221311/ea-sports-games-bundled-with-wii-motionplus

EGL Boner

Yes, a Gothic Lolita shooter is a novelty. I get it. What I don't get is why there are no less than TEN stories about this series in the last six months. There's even one about boob mousepads. Classy, guys.

Why don't you post some trailers or boob mousepads for a game that 99% of your readership CAN ACTUALLY PURCHASE. It's funny, when I search your site for Henry Hatsworth, a game that's been getting a lot of attention lately by real bloggers, I get TWO results. Maybe if Henry were an underage girl with huge squishy tits instead of a frumpy old Englishman, you guys would post more about him.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5222114/new-gothic-lolita-shooter-trailer

Nice To Meet You, Here Are Some Words, Pretend I Went To School And Graduated With A Degree Only To Be Pulling The Wool Over All Your Eyes

You know what would be a great reality show? BRIAN ASSCRAFT DOES JAPAN. You see, no reality show is ever profitable unless the main focus is on a complete and utter moron, (or, to be fair, a group of individuals being amazing). But since we know that Brian has no chance of being the latter, we could make our big bucks by focusing on his retardedness.
Actually, this is kind of similar to the whole Kotaku readership -> Brian's meaningless posts relationship. Brian gets paid to post absolutely ASANINE content, and we KEEP reading it. The human race is pretty amazing, but mainly horrendous, simply because the above statement is 100% our own fault.
It may seem like I am leading up to some huge insight to something, but really I'm not. I just wanted a nice buffer to prepare your mind for Brian:
"I don't know about elsewhere as I've never moved really in America!"
I never competed in NASCAR but I sure as hell know that those cars move really FAST.
"The plan is to introduce ourselves on either Saturday and Sunday to some of our neighbors (those living closest to us) and give them the towels."
WHOOOOOA. I feel like Neo taking the red pill! Those living closest to me are.... my neighbors? FUCKING WILD.
Source: http://kotaku.com/5222535/nice-to-meet-you-here-is-some-detergent-be-nice-to-me

The Just Keep Doing It

How many times do the have to make a mistake before the see what total and complete fuckups the are?! Also, what the fuck is that about it being the rhythm game era, because I don't know, shit like Parappa and Bust a Groove weren't popular in the mid-1990s. No one has played rhythm games until we started banging on plastic guitars! CHU CHU HEY HEY, asshole.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5221955/be-a-dj-on-your-ds

Screens Trades

So do the screens trade snowy landscapes for dusty jungles, or did you do that thing again where you stop halfway though a sentence, masturbate to DeathSmiles for an hour, then finish it without reading what you wrote before?

Nice touch naming the screenshot gallery "Lost" too. It matches your writing style perfectly.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5222452/here-are-four-lost-planet-2-screens

Pot, This Is Kettle. You're Black.

Animu bitches AND making fun of other peoples' mistakes both in one post? Man, Asscraft, it's like you write this shit right into our hands anymore. Wow they apparently spelled something wrong. Cause you never, ever, havFUCKING CHRIST I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5222191/whats-wrong-with-this-d3-publisher-trailer

How Many People Want Kotaku Editor a Fired?

I've been away from GJK for awhile, busy with life, and to be completely honest, sick of Kotaku. I experienced some sort of burnout. I stopped reading, stopped checking... stopped caring. Sad really, because I remember laughing incredibly hard at the misfortune of Kotaku's staff.

But like a gift from the Gods, reading the new posts from my partners brought the bounce back into my step. A surge of some hope, that I could pick ANY article at random, and find a gem. I scrolled through the list of recent news and my eyes locked onto the gorgeous Orbital Frame from Zone of the Enders. I then noticed it was written by Brian Asscraft. God I wish I could place bets with these odds.

"ZoE spawned two three sequels as well as two anime."

Two three sequels?? Well which is it?!

"How many people really want Zone of the Enders a sequel?"

Nice.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5220446/kojima-productions-who-wants-zone-of-the-enders-3

Winder Boy, What Is The Secret Of Yir Piwer?

How did you spell it right in the headline and still fuck it up in the body of the article? It's spell check, homes. WITH MIND BULLETS.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5219575/the-nintendo-download-dr-mario-prescribes-wonder-crystals

Hyphens and You: They CAN Make A Difference!

Construct your sentences like an adult, motherfuck! Apparently, this charity is against teenagers?

Source: http://kotaku.com/5215227/charity-auction-for-elusive-set-of-playstation-af1-nike-dunks

Wow I Really Believe You

Hey News Blog! Shitty camera phone pictures aren't news items! Yeah, that probably would be awesome box art if it was in focus and I could see it! You have the balls to bitch about how awful the Platinum Hits box art is to look at, too, right below that heinously large pic.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5215024/microsoft-introduces-new-xbox-360-platinum-hits-packaging-that-actually-looks-good

Kotaku Writer Makes Snide Quip About Writer's Snide Quip

Hey calling people gas bags is our job, fuckwad! Go back to reporting "news," which is what I thought your site said it did. Stop dredging up non-news shit to fill your post quota for the day.

And what exactly is so snide about what he said? That people over 18 can vote? How astute! He might be a dick but at least he's got his facts correct, which is more than we can say for you nine times out of ten.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5215636/washington-post-writer-makes-snide-quip-about-gamers-voting-rights

And as an aside, says Blake DeKalb:

The times they are a changin' buddy. Sorry, you and Bill Nye are the only people that wear bow ties anymore.

Maximum Shitty

Is it possible to SUSPENSE a girl upside down? Maybe. Regardless, this is perfect example of Kotaku at IT IS worst.

Irrelevant: check
Bad grammar: check
Not really news, just jackoff material: check

Congrats on the trifecta of fuckup, Brian.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5215855/upskirts-no-you-mean-upside-down-skirts

Come On, Get Your Shit Together

The boy's what was found? Even when it comes to a serious story like this, you guys still manage to fuck something up. Unreal. I won't make light of the situation addressed in this article, but I will point out that if you want to try and defend gaming against the idiots that would blame it for this kind of incident, it's best not to look like idiots yourselves.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5214593/wrestling-video-game-blamed-for-childs-parachuting-death

Thanks For Letting Me Know

I'm glad you included that little disclaimer at the end, asshat. It would be a shame for your Japanese readership (less than 1%) to get their hopes up only to discover that there isn't a Pokémon x-ray machine in their hospital.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5214361/the-pokemon-x+ray-machine

Kotaku Rakes In The Shitty Proofreading

Seriously? Seriously. EIGHT HUNDRED SIXTY DOLLARS.

Great proofreading, you fucking excuse for a news blog!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5214468/blizzardvision-rakes-in-the-dough

Whele's Wardo

Ah, a list of difficult games. Sounds like an interesting enough top 25. BTW, here's a picture of some japanese guy that you may or may not recognize. Ignore the fact that there's no mention of him anywhere in the article. Just imagine he's there like some kind of easter egg, and if you can find him, you with the gurando no puraizu.
source: http://kotaku.com/5211094/these-games-are-hard

FFVII new and improved international version. Wait a minute...

Hot off the presses, final fantasy 7 is available for download for japanese PSN account holders. This isn't that terrible a news story, as a lot of neat downloads are often only available to select regions at first. What DOES make this story terrible is that this fucktwat is telling his 99% american audience about the new features in this special "international version" that is actually just THE REBRANDED AMERICAN VERSION. WE SAW THIS SHIT 12 YEARS AGO. Oh, and thanks for telling me the price in yen you god damn dickfuck.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5206591/play-final-fantasy-vii-on-your-ps3-now

Good Knight, Sweet Prince of Illiteracy

Nevermind the GI-FUCKING-GANTIC cell phone picture that you didn't even take the time to crop or scale down... but how about that last sentence of yours?

"an red-headed night"

Bravo, Brian. Bravo. Was "an auburn-headed knight" too complex for your wife to read?

Source: http://kotaku.com/5202786/first-peek-at-tales-of-vesperia-anime

Kotac Lays Out The Bad Spelling or The ABCs of Irony

I thought maybe I was missing something. Even though I'm a big fan of the Rock Band franchise, I thought that perhaps "Harmonic" was a fan-site or a Rock Band forum that I wasn't aware of. Nope, Mike just failed to spell the name of the developer wrong. The name of the developer that's clearly legible right there on the trailer.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5203436/rock-band-unplugged-trailer-shows-how-easy-love-can-be

Japan: A World Without Scanners

I'm sad to report that there are NO WORKING SCANNERS IN ALL OF JAPAN. The only way that residents of the most technologically advanced society on earth can capture the printed word digitally, is to photograph it with their 30 megapixel cameraphones. Unfortunately, our country's bandwidth is unable to cope with such large images, so smaller versions of these images are frequently displayed on American websites. Most style guides will dictate that because the vast majority of our nation cannot read the Japanese language, these small images serve as an appropriate source for the accompanying article.

tl:dr Bash-hole posted a thumbnail of a photo of a magazine that we can't read and called it news.




Source: http://kotaku.com/5202995/eagerly-awaited-koei-ps3-title-still-in-development

More like BORE-OPHYLL

Right like you fucktards that wank it to girls in cat ears are not going to buy this game because the girls are "expressionless." Admit it, you like that dead-eyed stare.



Why did you feel the need to post the same screencaps like a dozen times? Are you really illustrating your point more effectively, that the unreleased game might be boring?

Source: http://kotaku.com/5202788/banana-eating-cat-ear-ps3-game-not-expressive

Kotaku: List of Top 25 Most Popular iPhone Applications Contains 112 Games

25 < 112

Source: http://kotaku.com/5202061/tap-tap-revenge-top-tops-iphone-charts

Evidently English is Hard Too

I won't beat a dead horse here, because we all know that I don't care about these dolts and their daily lives, and I think publishing their emails as posts is a shameful way to drive up their post count. I might go on to suppose that very few of Kotaku's readers will pull up their newsfeeds with breakfast, sip their coffee, and muse, "Ah, Bash and Crecente. Your witty banter is such a welcome bright spot amongst the drudgery of video game news."

I will, however, point out that "Bash" can't seem to write the simplest of sentences without fucking them up. I think to criticize and mock.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5201657/moving-is-hard

I Hope Someone Re-Does This Article

I got it! Mike's keyboard is broken. That's the only explanation I can come up with for missing so many letters in such a short article. Maybe if you guys spent more time proofreading and less time jerking it to J-pop idols over your laptops, you'd write ONE goddamn article without an obvious spelling error.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5200513/silent-hill-shattered-memories-re+does-wii-ps2-and-psp

It burns when I pee, also when I read kotaku

This one falls into two categories. First there's the gripe I had before about the pictures being too god damn big. There's no room for the actual content of the news story because the picture takes up my entire fucking browser. If the news story was about, say, tales of vesperia screenshots, then I might be ok with it. It's NOT about that though. The game has been out for some 9 months so we're all well aware what it looks like. This is just naming off differences between the xbox version and the ps3 port (Also, thanks for telling me about the anime tie-in, there, buddy ^_-).
Secondly, and this is the one that pisses me off the most, is the content of the screenshot itself. As I said before, tales of vesperia has been out in the USA since august, so WHY IN FUCK'S NAME IS THIS JACKHOLE USING A SCREENSHOT FROM THE JAPANESE VERSION?! You know, he could have at least taken a screenshot from any portion of the japanese version, including the 8 hojillion publicity action shots, or he could have just done a google image search (which yields almost all english results, btw). But, no, he HAD to take a screenshot that featured japanese text just so he could show off how chingchongy and wingwongy he was.

source: http://kotaku.com/5201634/whats-new-about-ps3-tales-of-vesperia

Kotaku Will Be Used Incorrect Tenses

Who the hell do you think you are Mike, some kind of time jumper? Doctor Fucking Manhattan? You can't say that something "is teased next month," any more than I can say "your posts are shitty tomorrow." Just because you're positive that something will happen doesn't mean you can stand outside the time line and narrate to those of us who live a linear existence.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5200436/see-the-future-with-new-fable-ii-dlc-in-may

Kotaku Is Realistically Pathetic

It's only a matter of time, I feel, before they find out about this blog and possibly curb their lack of proofreading. But by then I'll be rich and famous and shooting H inbetween my toes.

(This is funny if you know me in person and realize that the possibility of me doing H is greater than the possibility that Kotaku would ever start proofreading).

P.S. What I was to see WAS... or... What I WANT to see is. Pick one, Mike.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5200580/fight-night-4-is-realistically-slimy

I Spent $5 in Chicago With Tristan And All I Got Was This Lousy Article

... make sure that any events using their console aren't...
... make sure that any event using their console isn't...

Pick one of those, and then fix your run-on sentence you idiot. Tristan has probably learned these things in school by now, so maybe you should ask him next time you're unsure. I bet he'd be glad to help.

Now that I've deciphered what you were trying to say, I have to agree with you, Brian. It's totally shitty for Microsoft to allow just anyone to buy their consoles and then allow people to play them. Hopefully next time I'm at a party and someone busts out Rock Band, Microsoft employees will show up at the door and make sure there are enough consoles to go around.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5200201/how-to-waste-5-on-the-xbox-360-in-chicago

Let's Fighting Love

Let's Not Bother Reporting News
Let's Just Post A Video Clip Of A Game You Westerners Can't Buy

Wonderful penis thing
There are hairs at balls
That's sound of Monkey-like Cunt
No! Ninjas are here!
Hey hey let's! Lets fight!
This is important. Protect my balls!
I'm badass. So let's fighting
Let's fighting love!
Let's fighting love!
This song is a bit stupid
This doesn't make sense.
English is all fucked up
It's okay--we do it all the time!
Hey hey let's go!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5199585/lets-check-out-gothic-lolita-shooter-for-xbox-360

Classic Cock

Sometimes you don't need fancy gimmicks or crazy metaphors to be pissed off at asscraft. This is one of those classic timeless examples that never ceases to piss me off. Any normal reporter would link to the notice and tell you the translation, but this classless egotistical fuck sees fit to post a picture of the japanese that he just happens to know how to read. Suck my dick you son of a bitch

Source: http://kotaku.com/5196756/konami-ps3-baseball-game-goes-offline-the-end

Kotaku Is Full Of Shit, Doesn't Apologize

Article 1: Kotaku claims that Ghostbusters for the PSP is on its way thanks to their sniffing around the ESRB's dumpster or some shit.

Article 2: Kotaku reveals that Ghostbusters is NOT headed to the PSP because "Sometimes (the ESRB is) not such a great resource."

Article 3: Kotaku apologizes for lying to their readership by claiming that a game was destined for release simply from gleaning info from a sometimes unreliable source.

OH WAIT.

That last article doesn't exist because Kotaku is too fucking proud/lazy/incompetent to admit they made a mistake. Of course, rectifying every mistake Kotaku makes would be a lot of work. Hell, you could almost fill an entire blog with Kotaku's mistakes.

Sources:
http://kotaku.com/5193944/the-ghostbusters-coming-to-psp
http://kotaku.com/5197528/atari-busts-hopes-of-ghostbusters-for-psp

Kotaku has bad relatively grammar

You guys and your mistaken obviously word rearrangements. How can you write up such a simple painfully sentence and screw it up? Reading this blog is like pouring hot extremely lemon juice in my eyes while someone pounds a nail through my large amazingly dick.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5197621/alpha-protocol-obsidian-evolves

Kotaku is the worst at what they do

Mike, come on. Did you decide to write the first sentence, stop halfway, and then go huff paint for an hour? And if you're supposed to be a gaming journalist, how come your only exposure to this game so far has been a couple of screenshots and this trailer? Oh, that's right. It's because you wouldn't know gaming or journalism if they DP'd you.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5195686/wolverine-behind+the+scenes-is-best-there-is-at-what-it-does

This Article So That I Want To Die

Listen, you piece of shit excuse for a writer, I can't read your mind OR YOUR WRITING so you are going to have to tell me what I am supposed to be noticing in this screenshot of a game that I can't read anything on.
First of all, why is it relevant to mention erotic games? OMG TEHH SEXXXXX
Then, are you trying to tell me that this batch of screenshots SHOWS something? Because you weren't even close. Heavy on what? Using the same piece of art on the top screen? I sure don't know any DS games that do that. Especially ones that we play, here, in the West.
Infinite Space? More like INFINITE DRIVEL. Goddamn Kotaku is such a horrible blog I can't believe that advertisers pay Gakwer any money or even can bear to have their ads on this neverending stream of Internet diarrhea.

MY POKEMONS LET ME SO YOU THEM

Source: http://kotaku.com/5194722/what-do-you-notice-about-these-ds-screenshots

News Flash! Ashcraft lives in Japan!

GAMING BLOG

Kotaku is the only blog I've ever read (gaming or otherwise) that publishes all the inane emails that the "editors" write back and forth to each other. I know you're trying to artificially inflate your stupid post count, but do you really need to fill it with junk like this?

Who gives a fuck about you and your dumb Japanese lending experience? Nobody, that's who. Do you know how many of your readers are married American bloggers living in Japan and looking to buy property? Obviously you don't.

Don't you have a personal blog that you can post this garbage on? You know, one that doesn't try and sell itself as a gaming blog but instead comes off as a weeaboo's guide to everything Japanese that real gamers don't give two shits about? Have fun looking for a new dining table ya dumb bastard. I'm looking forward to a post about how yours are shorter than "Western" ones.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5193628/so-yeah-i-did-it-i-bought-a-piece-of-japan