I Dreamed a Dream (Brian the Miserable)

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong...

I dreamed a dream of reviews gone by
When hope was high
For news worth reading
I dreamed that Kotaku would soon die
I dreamed that Gawker would be intriguing
Then I was young and unafraid
And clickbait was made and used and wasted
There were no games to be played
No blurb abused
No report untasteless

And the postings come at night
With their useless cell phone pictures
As they tear your eyes apart
As they turn The Witcher to shame

Brian wrote a summer by my side
He filled my days with awful grammar
He took my journalism in his stride
But he was gone when Japan came

And still I dream he'll make a change
That hentai humor will leave his vocab
But there are dreams that are out of range
And there are weeaboos we can't slash-stab!

I had a dream game news would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now, from what it seemed
Now Brian has killed the dream I dreamed

Source: http://kotaku.com/sadly-geralt-doesnt-have-a-penis-1707636628

Journalism 101: Using a Relevant Picture

So Penn Jillette has a super gross adult man ponytail, and Randy Pitchford bought it?

Excellent choice of photo highlighting the signature ponytail:

Source: http://kotaku.com/gearbox-boss-buys-penns-ponytail-for-real-1449839345

Oh good, a post on Japanese fashion!!

Written by an American man!
Illustrated with cell phone photos from other sites!
No input from anyone who is/has/ever wore this fashion trend!
So relevant!
So fashion!

Is this a picture of a goddamn TV?

I love how he is all like "if you were in Japan in the 90s you saw these" then goes on to talk about how they became so ubiquitous that they were in all sorts of media. But YOU HAD TO BE THERE TO SEE THE SOCKS, LISTEN.

Source: http://kotaku.com/the-return-of-those-infamous-japanese-schoolgirl-socks-1450614462

OBJECTION TO YOUR BULLSHIT, KOTAKU

Listen, we can't possibly show you any of the gorgeous dimensional artwork in this game. So here's a completely unfocused dutched shot from my shitty Motorola Razr:

ITS THE FIRST GOD DAMN PHOENIX WRIGHT GAME IN FIVE YEARS AND YOU ILLUSTRATE IT WITH TWO OUT OF FOCUS PHOTOS.

Never give up in your quest to be the worst, Kotaku.

Source: http://kotaku.com/phoenix-wright-ace-attorney-dual-destinies-the-kota-1450775847

Readers, we love you too.

You feel us. Enjoy these choice keywords pulled from our Google analytics.We've lost a good chunk of our previous targets, but oh you're still our meal ticket. For Pocky. KAWAIIII

Well, shit.

I'd probably post more if I COULD READ ANY OF THIS GOD DAMN WEB SIGHT ON INTERNET
This is what it looks like when I visit this hellhole:

So I use a netbook as my main computer, sue me.
If I want to read the stories on the sidebar, I better only want to read the middle three, because I can't read the entire headlines of the top and the bottom articles. Clicking "More Stories" just skips past all of those. Great flexible web design, jerkoffs. I'd browse your lousy cesspool on my phone, but that's just as insufferable, with your pithy shit two word headlines Randomly Capitalized.

GO BACK TO GEOCITIES

This Article Was Too Boring to Find Five Dollars

Thank you, kind sir, for providing us readers with another Mike Fahey masterpiece. Seriously, bravo. Your ability to take the most boring piece of "video game news" and surround it with a history lesson on Dolly, the cloned sheep, is truly incredible.

If you subtract all the fluff from your article you are left with this:

"A recent interview in Best Buy's official @Gamer Magazine reveals that plans for a Pokémon based on this loveable creature above were scrapped after being deemed too controversial. What's controversial about Dolly the sheep? She's a clone."

Cool story, bro.

Maybe one day I can start a website where I report on small news stories that I casually read in the grocery line at Ralph's, and then segue into some sci-fi piece of news that takes up 90% of the article. At least you spared us from posting a cell phone picture of the magazine article like your partner, Asscraft, does on a daily ba -- wait...

Wait a damn minute. You didn't even READ this fucking magazine news piece! You got this news from some awful, wiki-style website called BulbaNews.

Holy shit. Not even BulbaNews has the interview we want to read! How is this REPORTING? This is the OPPOSITE of reporting.

And just when I thought things couldn't get any less professional, your second "source" is A MOTHERFUCKING LINK TO THE SIGN-UP PAGE FOR @GAMERS MAGAZINE!

God fucking damn you. You make me so mad at myself for not having the balls to start a god damn website and make money off of awful, empty reporting.

Enjoy your paycheck, prick. I hope you get your asshole stretched out by a cloned bottle-nosed dolphin.

Source: http://kotaku.com/#!5758104/this-pokemon-was-too-controversial-to-live

Mike Fahey is Beyond Heinous, Ironic

In a world where Lindsay Lohan's white courtroom dress, (read: whore costume), draws more attention than the 1200 planets recently discovered by NASA's Kepler spacecraft, I've come to expect the worst things out of the media and the people who read it.

I guess I had a lapse in maintaining my expectation when I clicked on Kotaku today. You see, some dormant part of me still hopes and prays that one day Kotaku will not be an embarrassment to video game players everywhere. That maybe one day Mike Fahey will actually think before he clicks 'post', or perhaps gain a shred of literary intelligence by reading a book, a magazine, or even a cocktail napkin with some words on it.

That hope is now gone.

Hey Mike, would you like to know a shitty way to teach a child a new word? Reading Kotaku's god damn front page that is NSFW, you fucking cunt. Having a NSFW tag is absolutely useless when your fucking FRONT PAGE has the word "shitty" written on. Now my nine year old daughter is aware of this word and I get to sit and hope she doesn't accidentally use it at school when I'm not around to tell her it's wrong.

Fuck you. I hope you get raped by a chimp.

P.S. I'm allowed to curse this much because this blog isn't a 'journalistic' website with 50k views a day.

Source: http://kotaku.com/#!5757100/this-is-a-shitty-way-to-teach-a-child-new-words

Proofread, Eh?

Maybe if you'd proofread, eh, your article wouldn't be about MULLETS. A good hockey wig could put this over the top, man.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5752045/japanese-homefront-might-make-a-villain-out-of-canada

Scientists Working on Entertaining Mike Fahey

Mike Fahey never stops proving how much of an uneducated, insensitive prick he really is. Not only does his recent post have zero to do with the video game industry, (something I give some leeway for if the article is about something exceptionally amazing), but it is littered with four paragraphs of intensely rude OP/ED reporting in regards to what the science and space community has achieved in the past four decades.

"After 37 years of broadcasting assorted human garbage to the universe at large, scientists are working on a protocol to insure future messages to extraterrestrial intelligences are more efficient and well-received. Can't we just use Twitter?"

Human garbage? Classy, Mike. Very classy. Also, a joke about using Twitter for communication with extra terrestrials! How very entertaining, mon frere!

"The Arecibo radio telescope in Puerto Rico broadcast its first messages into space in 1974, beaming a stream of binary code at globular star cluster M13 some 25,000 light years away. That message contained encoded information about human DNA, our solar system, and the telescope itself. Any alien intercepting this message would have likely been bored to tears, changing course towards a more interesting planet."

Mike, you are such an asshole. I can't fucking handle it sometimes. I really want you to think about the implications of what you write. You plainly have no concept of how incredible it was for the human race to understand our DNA structure, our solar system, and the ability to actually SEND this information somewhere 25,000 light years away. Do you even spend any time fathoming how great of a distance that is?

What makes this even worse is your assumption that an alien life form would find this boring to receive. I'm pretty sure that any life form with the technology to receive our data is intelligent enough not to consider said data to be BORING! (you fucking asshole.)

"Since then we've been sending all sorts of cultural crap into space. Pictures, sound bites, bits of music; the interstellar equivalent of pop-up ads. Ads that alien beings might not even be able to see or hear, depending on whatever passes for sensory organs in their culture."

Cultural crap. Amazing. Interstellar equivalent to pop-up ads. Are you fucking KIDDING ME? I hope one day an alien takes a god damn Polaroid of itself and beams it into your fucking hands so you can call it a cultural pop-up ad, you fucking HACK.

Secondly, I truly love that you make the point of these alien life forms possibly not having the organs to see or hear, but you absolutely assume they have the ability to be bored. God fucking Christ someone help me before I blow my brains out.

"The messages have also been rather anthropocentric, featuring humans and our culture prominently. Aliens must think we're so full of ourselves."

D:

... I'm done. Get eaten by a lion you piece of shit.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5752104/scientists-working-on-alien-communication-standards

I Don't Know "How That Works"

I think if you just "post a ton of screens" and don't "write any actual words," no one will notice that your blog is "entirely devoid of content." Maybe Michael McWhertor isn't "the norm," and doesn't "own a toothbrush." Maybe he doesn't "let his scabs heal." But he's still "reviews editor."

Source: http://kotaku.com/5750243/we-got-armored-core-v-screens-incoming/gallery/

Creationary Sexisming

Makin' up words like the pros and I am not even gonna sink to a political joke. Journality is Ashcraft's specialing.
And somehow you managed to make the subject of dirty games, a usually riveting and hilarious subject, into something more boring than political discourse.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5748451/before-there-was-dragon-quest-there-were-dirty-games

Watch My Fucking Brain Explode

Fucking riveting video content here. A face-down view of JAPANESE DIRT and then some out-of-focus kanji! And then a magical heat packet that no one has ever seen or used before and you can only get ON THE MOON!



Is that sunshine in that video? Then you can take those pink hands and shove that thing right up your pink ass and warm your entrails because if you've got sun and no snow on the ground than it's probably warmer than most of where we all are now.

You made a video about how your hands get cold? Fucking christ how do you get paid to do this job! You should be on 4chan arguing about how Americans shouldn't cosplay because their eyes are too round! Senior contributing editor, eh? I'm a senior contributing editor to my toilet on a regular basis then.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5748753/watch-my-pink-hands-get-warm

Redefining Subtlety

I JUST CAN'T STAY AWAY! My hate for these hack fucks just keeps me coming back.
I can't be bothered to watch the video (really, a video to show a shirt??), but the design on that shirt pretty much redefines "subtle." I don't think you're allowed to use that word to describe ANYTHING if DJ Pauly D has seven of them in his closet at the Shore. When 95% of your readership regularly wears sweatpants with elasticized ankles, you are not qualified to comment on fashion. EVER.
Also, cool shoutout there, awesome journalistic integrity and all. Pay for play on Gawker, kids!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5749212/shuma-gorath-versus-servbot

News Flash: Big Titted Video Game Character Figures!

Bad grammar, unnecessarily sexual content, and Japanese products that are nearly irrelevant to the average American gamer. The Trifecta of Fuckup rears its ugly head again.

Luke, the only thing worse than some weirdo meticulously documenting the tits on an action figure is you reposting it as news. Yes, there are goons out there that beat off to the $200 statuettes that clutter their sticky computer desk. No, nobody wants to read about it.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5488020/another-busty-valkyria-chronicles-figure-sure-why-not/gallery/

WARNING WARNING! Luke Knows Shit About Network Code!!

Man. There is nothing I hate more than someone who assumes something ridiculously complicated should be ridiculously simple. (That's not true. Drivers who don't use their turn signals, I hate more.)

Okay, sure, Sony is experiencing a major snafu this weekend with its online/offline game playing problem. To be honest, I had zero time to play my beloved Heavy Rain on either day to even notice this problem, but of course I have this disgusting urge to read Kotaku and "keep up with current events" if you will.

I'll spare the formalities and just jump to the meat.

Fuck you, Luke. The "design process" you are so non-chalantly referring to incorporates so many company facets and hundreds of thousands of lines of code that even trying to listen to a lead engineer give a simple overview would make your head spin.

If you knew about anything in the video game world you would take 3 seconds to realize that OFFLINE and ONLINE play are DIRECTLY related as a security measure against bootleggers and pirates. I bet you think game artists need to "tighten up the graphics of level 3" before Gold Disc submission. UGH.

I hate your bullshit reporting.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5482328/ps3s-suffering-from-global-network-lockdown

#fuckingfailure

OH good, everyone looking for SCRRENS will know RIGHT where to go!

What's fucking hilarious is that you click on that and you actually get ANOTHER story where he misspelled the tag.

Source: http://kotaku.com/tag/scrrens/

Clean Your Room, Mikey, or I Won't Write Your Kotaku Posts!

Seriously you fucking hack, did your mother write this post for you? No one with any knowledge of music OR video games could have written this drivel.

You make a bunch of shitty comments about musicians that your main demographic probably worships, and try to make your non-opinions into some sort of news? Its not news when you don't know who an artist is, you no-talent loser.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5475680/rock-band-next-week-him-marilyn-manson-call-the-police

Everything Is Better In Japan

EVEN THE INTERNET

Because, according to Asscraft, rumors are circulating on the JAPANESE INTERNET

Clearly superior to the slow, fat, lazy American Internet!

Is there a point where his ridiculous attitude towards Japan/America constitutes racism? Nah, I won't play that card yet. Because I'm sure we'll get the chance later.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5474554/dont-worry-about-final-fantasy-xi-just-yet

Haru Cares - NO ONE.

Oh my shit did you seriously make a post on a gaming blog about a movie released on 24 screens IN JAPAN

YOU DID

And, you went so far as to illustrate your shitty point with two really superbly boring screencaptures!

Why did I click on the #haruhisuzumiya tag. I cannot believe you, a grown man, married to a Japanese woman, who lives in Japan, can care THAT MUCH ABOUT AN ANIMU GIRL

Source: http://kotaku.com/5474587/so-hows-the-haruhi-suzumiya-movie-doing