NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH JAPANESE LADY PLAYS VIDEO GAMES

HOLY SHIT POST SOME STREET FIGHTER STATISTICS TO MAKE THIS ABOUT VIDEO GAMES
OH MY GOD SOMETIMES GIRLS PLAY GAMES! I think to properly report that fact, you should post multiple pictures of AZN WMN!
I bet you've got her on speed dial on your minuscule DoCoMo phone with four Doraemon charms hanging off it, don't you, Brian? Oh wait, no, because you're married to a Japanese woman. I almost forgot what a huge fetish you have for Japanese women, that you demonstrate by posting multiple pictures of Japanese women.
I'm renaming your blog, douche.

Kotaku: The Gamer's Guide To Japanese Women By Someone Qualified To Tell You Because He Is Married To One

Source: http://kotaku.com/5189702/the-top-spelunker-player-in-japan-is-a-pin+up-model

Brian Crecente is making my life difficult

Man, we were going through a drought there over the weekend. Owen "writes kinda" Good made me think for a second that you guys might actually be catching on. Thankfully though, Crecente stepped in this morning and set things right. Er, wrong.

Seriously though Brian, if you're gonna make three obvious errors in the same story, can you at least have the decency to put them all close together? Your errors are so widespread that I had to screencap them three times. I'm starting to think you're doing this on purpose so we'll get lazy and skip stuff like this. Wait, you guys are far too stupid for such a clever plan. Nevermind.I discovered that you don't know your tenses.
So, id is incorporating this veil into every multiplayer game ever? That's a tall order. On a related note, I think I might start putting my adjectives after my nouns too. It makes me sound old-timey when I'm making fun of the websites ridiculous.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5190809/wolfenstein-lifts-the-veil

Consumer Alert: Japanese only game filled with bugs!

Watch out for this game, you 1% of kotaku readers who live in japan. DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA apparently is buggy. Surely this information will be useful to you guys. What I don't get is why every time this asshole mentions DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA, he has to refer to it as its full title. Anything shorter than DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA is unacceptable, and the game must be referred to as DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA at all times. I guess when he plays DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA on his Mircrosoft Xbox360 Gaming Console, he needs to get the most fulfillment out of that or some bullshit. Also, thanks for telling us what the fuck DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black EXTRA translates to. I bet it's something like "Brian asscraft likes to lick cocks that are Black EXTRA"

Source: http://kotaku.com/5187884/shipments-of-buggy-xbox-360-maniac-shooter-halted

Rice Overload

When my brother and I were young, we used to make a concoction called "dairy overload." We would devour a bowl of ice cream, alongside a tall glass of milk, and top it off with some yogurt of appropriate flavor. It was approximately 16 servings of dairy, well above what any nutritionist would recommend for daily intake, for fear of inducing a heart attack. What we have here is the very equivalent of dairy overload, except in the painful form of pure distilled JAPAN. Only instead of having the pleasure of eating it, it has being processed into a shitty journalistic form, and is being force fed through our eyeballs. The whole thing starts off with a banner at the top denoting that it's from japan, and is subsequently followed by a picture of not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR FUCKING JAPANESE PEOPLE. Oh but he's not done yet. Before you can recover from the one-two punch asscraft-san has delivered to you unsuspecting gut, he coup de graces you with an uppercut straight to the chin explaining how oto-san has a better relationship with his rice eating family. I think I've most definitely ingested about 3000% my recommended lifetime value of nihon with this one post. There's a tingling in my chest and left arm... Source: http://kotaku.com/5186742/wii-fit-helps-men-talk-to-their-families

Goodniught, Sweet Prince

Normally I don't like to nitpick over the smaller mistake you idiots make, but really, over the course of weeks, days and niughts, it's amazing how much it adds up.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5185915/gamify-your-google-with-igoogle-game-themes

You Are THE Worst Journalist To Date - Mike Fahey Is An Asshole: Part 3

It's reporting like this that just STEAMS MY NUTS. Here you have a man, who sits at home, or on location, or wherever the fuck he is, and somehow finds the audacity to, one, call half his readership morons, and two, make false claims on a corporation that is doing extremely well during this economic turmoil. If I wanted a fucking ED/OP piece I would go to a website that has reputable journalists with EDUCATED opinions.

You sir, Mike Fahey, are one of the most illiterate people I have ever seen on a major publication website, and yet you come trotting in on your high horse accusing half your readership of not being smart enough to understand simple net earnings and sales. The hypocrisy of this moment in time will stick with me forever.

Here's a thought. Lead by example. Explain to your readers why these numbers are important and why they should pay attention to them. Your readers are young and impressionable... maybe you can steer them on the proper course instead of them sitting at home learning how to improperly spell because of you.

Thinking this couldn't get any worse, I read on. Low and behold, what do I find? That's right, your shitty attitude towards a company that is booming. A company that is IN YOUR FIELD. A company that will be opening up 400 stores and giving NEW JOBS to people that are JOBLESS in this economic catastrophe. These jobless people are your GOD DAMN, MOTHER FUCKING READERS! But that doesn't matter, right? As long as you get to make an unprovoked jab using fabricated fact about the company for a couple chuckles from your 'moronic' readers.

Jesus Christ how do you not think about what you write before you write it? If I ever have the displeasure of meeting you in person, I find comfort in the knowledge that I will completely destroy you on a verbal level. You are filth.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5185277/gamestop-reports-record-2008-more-stores-imminent

The Dictionary: Break One Out!

You know what I'm not going to let you get away with? That's right, not proofreading.

Why are you the worst writer ever, Mike Fahey? God damn it.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5185254/sex+rated-xbox-community-game-not-all-that-sexy

As has been previous announced, Asshat thinks we can all read pixelated Japanese.

At first, I thought Asshat himself interviewed Tetsuya Nomura for this article. Then, I realized that was ridiculous, because who would let themselves be interviewed by this doofus?

Then it occurred to me that he might have overheard this interview at the GDC. But no, remember that Asshat is in JAPAN JAPAN I LIVE IN JAPAN DESU NE!?

But I finally figured it out. Dickhole here read this in some unsourced Japanese magazine, and instead of referencing said article, he simply took a picture of it. Brilliant. Well, I guess since that's what real journalists do, I can do the same thing for my source:


Just kidding. I refernce my shit for real, jerks.

Source: ブライアンは、愚かな女です (That's Google Translate for "Brian is a stupid cunt")

Rumor: less than 1% of Kotaku's readership can actually read Japanese

You know, I found some other interesting statistics about Japan this morning. Apparently, a staggering .71% of Kotaku's traffic originates in Japan. Since such a significant percentage of their readership is obviously fluent in Japanese, it's completely appropriate to source a Japanese website without even the half-assed courtesy of a machine-translated proxy. You stupid fucks.

So thanks for the completely relevant and important info. I'd never have imagined that Japanese gamers don't like a shitty American movie game about a franchise that has been popular in Japan for decades now. In fact, I still wouldn't believe it if you hadn't backed it up with source material in a language that nearly all of your readership CAN'T EVEN FUCKING READ.

*slow clap* indeed.

Source: ゲームドラゴンボール エボリューション

Holy Shit Brian, Please See A Doctor!

I am seriously worried about you. I'm hoping this is because of some GDC high, or maybe too many cocks in your mouth and hands as you type. That sentence is unbearable.

P.S. Holy fuck, I just re-read it after posting. I am flabbergasted.

P.P.S. Wow, me and Blake simulposted AGAIN. I love this blog.
Source: http://kotaku.com/5184511/hands-on-with-iphones-star-defense

When typing the how when who into with what I hate you stupid jerks.

My nose started bleeding when I tried to make sense of this paragraph. That second sentence quite literally made me yell out loud in frustration. How can you let this slide, Brian? How in the ever living fuck you 'tards can even manage to turn a computer on, let alone convince someone to pay you for this is nothing short of a goddamn miracle. It's fucked up. ALMOST as fucked up as that second sentence.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5184511/hands-on-with-iphones-star-defense

It'd Be A Mean, Mean Person If I DIDN'T Make Fun Of You

Are you serious with that sentence? I mean, really. I guess I can accept the fact that none of you half-wits read your own posts, probably because you think you are god's gift to journalism, but what about reading your co-workers' posts? Is that too much to ask? How do you fucking morons miss this shit!?

Source: http://kotaku.com/5181625/see-onlive-in-action

Great Job, Kotaku Gives Mr. McWhertor 'A The' Chance To Proofread

Great Job! Your chance has expired!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5184375/come-touch-hideo-kojima-at-san-franciscos-apple-store

While? Will? Potato, Potahto. It's The Periods That Matter!

No, I'm just kidding Who needs periods, right? Better yet who needs commas either or even apostrophes and question marks Its not like we cant perfectly read what someone is trying to say when they forget the most simplistic of things i know lets get rid of all capitalization too and then we can talk like every other single 18 year old piece of shit on the internet who somehow passed highschool and then got this stupid job writing ridiculous articles for a subpar but amazingly adored website

Source: http://kotaku.com/5183937/see-nintendo-demonstrate-rock-n-roll-climber

Hoepfully Mike Fahey Grows A Brain

I'm not holding my breath. ::sigh::

Source: http://kotaku.com/5183949/the-legend-of-zelda-spirit-tracks-coming-to-the-ds

Lost in a sea of madness

Oh my dear ashcraft, thank you for being my one glimmering hope in a world gone awry. When everyone else is led astray reporting nonsense news from some conference no one even cares about, I can always count on you to grab kotaku by the reigns and report the news that REALLY matters. Forget all that other garbage, tell me about anime coming out. Thank you brian. Thank you.

How Is Babby Formed?

They need to do way instain mother!

Three in a row, Brian. Proofread your shit, you caveman.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5183260/the-brutal-art-of-brutal-legend

Crecente Gets Boner for id Software, Loses All Blood From His Head

My horrible day has been turned around! Thank you Brian for your unbelievable post. I think this is a record. All you need to do is read your own writing ONCE. Just ONCE, and you would fix these ridiculous errors.

God you're a fucking retard.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5183223/id-considering-enemy-territory-for-quake-live-treatment

Well, At Least You Spelled San Francisco Properly This Time

Yay, Brian, you're learning! Oh wait. :/

Source: http://kotaku.com/5176889/game-developers-conference-its-on

American People Are Less Interested In Your Articles

I'm not sure what pisses me off more about this article. The fact that he's doing his nihon no stasstistics thing, or the fact that his source is just a solid page of this:
Source: http://kotaku.com/5183011/japanese-people-are-less-interested-in-video-games