EGL Boner

Yes, a Gothic Lolita shooter is a novelty. I get it. What I don't get is why there are no less than TEN stories about this series in the last six months. There's even one about boob mousepads. Classy, guys.

Why don't you post some trailers or boob mousepads for a game that 99% of your readership CAN ACTUALLY PURCHASE. It's funny, when I search your site for Henry Hatsworth, a game that's been getting a lot of attention lately by real bloggers, I get TWO results. Maybe if Henry were an underage girl with huge squishy tits instead of a frumpy old Englishman, you guys would post more about him.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5222114/new-gothic-lolita-shooter-trailer

Nice To Meet You, Here Are Some Words, Pretend I Went To School And Graduated With A Degree Only To Be Pulling The Wool Over All Your Eyes

You know what would be a great reality show? BRIAN ASSCRAFT DOES JAPAN. You see, no reality show is ever profitable unless the main focus is on a complete and utter moron, (or, to be fair, a group of individuals being amazing). But since we know that Brian has no chance of being the latter, we could make our big bucks by focusing on his retardedness.
Actually, this is kind of similar to the whole Kotaku readership -> Brian's meaningless posts relationship. Brian gets paid to post absolutely ASANINE content, and we KEEP reading it. The human race is pretty amazing, but mainly horrendous, simply because the above statement is 100% our own fault.
It may seem like I am leading up to some huge insight to something, but really I'm not. I just wanted a nice buffer to prepare your mind for Brian:
"I don't know about elsewhere as I've never moved really in America!"
I never competed in NASCAR but I sure as hell know that those cars move really FAST.
"The plan is to introduce ourselves on either Saturday and Sunday to some of our neighbors (those living closest to us) and give them the towels."
WHOOOOOA. I feel like Neo taking the red pill! Those living closest to me are.... my neighbors? FUCKING WILD.
Source: http://kotaku.com/5222535/nice-to-meet-you-here-is-some-detergent-be-nice-to-me

The Just Keep Doing It

How many times do the have to make a mistake before the see what total and complete fuckups the are?! Also, what the fuck is that about it being the rhythm game era, because I don't know, shit like Parappa and Bust a Groove weren't popular in the mid-1990s. No one has played rhythm games until we started banging on plastic guitars! CHU CHU HEY HEY, asshole.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5221955/be-a-dj-on-your-ds

Screens Trades

So do the screens trade snowy landscapes for dusty jungles, or did you do that thing again where you stop halfway though a sentence, masturbate to DeathSmiles for an hour, then finish it without reading what you wrote before?

Nice touch naming the screenshot gallery "Lost" too. It matches your writing style perfectly.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5222452/here-are-four-lost-planet-2-screens

Pot, This Is Kettle. You're Black.

Animu bitches AND making fun of other peoples' mistakes both in one post? Man, Asscraft, it's like you write this shit right into our hands anymore. Wow they apparently spelled something wrong. Cause you never, ever, havFUCKING CHRIST I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5222191/whats-wrong-with-this-d3-publisher-trailer

How Many People Want Kotaku Editor a Fired?

I've been away from GJK for awhile, busy with life, and to be completely honest, sick of Kotaku. I experienced some sort of burnout. I stopped reading, stopped checking... stopped caring. Sad really, because I remember laughing incredibly hard at the misfortune of Kotaku's staff.

But like a gift from the Gods, reading the new posts from my partners brought the bounce back into my step. A surge of some hope, that I could pick ANY article at random, and find a gem. I scrolled through the list of recent news and my eyes locked onto the gorgeous Orbital Frame from Zone of the Enders. I then noticed it was written by Brian Asscraft. God I wish I could place bets with these odds.

"ZoE spawned two three sequels as well as two anime."

Two three sequels?? Well which is it?!

"How many people really want Zone of the Enders a sequel?"

Nice.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5220446/kojima-productions-who-wants-zone-of-the-enders-3

Winder Boy, What Is The Secret Of Yir Piwer?

How did you spell it right in the headline and still fuck it up in the body of the article? It's spell check, homes. WITH MIND BULLETS.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5219575/the-nintendo-download-dr-mario-prescribes-wonder-crystals

Hyphens and You: They CAN Make A Difference!

Construct your sentences like an adult, motherfuck! Apparently, this charity is against teenagers?

Source: http://kotaku.com/5215227/charity-auction-for-elusive-set-of-playstation-af1-nike-dunks

Wow I Really Believe You

Hey News Blog! Shitty camera phone pictures aren't news items! Yeah, that probably would be awesome box art if it was in focus and I could see it! You have the balls to bitch about how awful the Platinum Hits box art is to look at, too, right below that heinously large pic.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5215024/microsoft-introduces-new-xbox-360-platinum-hits-packaging-that-actually-looks-good

Kotaku Writer Makes Snide Quip About Writer's Snide Quip

Hey calling people gas bags is our job, fuckwad! Go back to reporting "news," which is what I thought your site said it did. Stop dredging up non-news shit to fill your post quota for the day.

And what exactly is so snide about what he said? That people over 18 can vote? How astute! He might be a dick but at least he's got his facts correct, which is more than we can say for you nine times out of ten.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5215636/washington-post-writer-makes-snide-quip-about-gamers-voting-rights

And as an aside, says Blake DeKalb:

The times they are a changin' buddy. Sorry, you and Bill Nye are the only people that wear bow ties anymore.

Maximum Shitty

Is it possible to SUSPENSE a girl upside down? Maybe. Regardless, this is perfect example of Kotaku at IT IS worst.

Irrelevant: check
Bad grammar: check
Not really news, just jackoff material: check

Congrats on the trifecta of fuckup, Brian.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5215855/upskirts-no-you-mean-upside-down-skirts

Come On, Get Your Shit Together

The boy's what was found? Even when it comes to a serious story like this, you guys still manage to fuck something up. Unreal. I won't make light of the situation addressed in this article, but I will point out that if you want to try and defend gaming against the idiots that would blame it for this kind of incident, it's best not to look like idiots yourselves.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5214593/wrestling-video-game-blamed-for-childs-parachuting-death

Thanks For Letting Me Know

I'm glad you included that little disclaimer at the end, asshat. It would be a shame for your Japanese readership (less than 1%) to get their hopes up only to discover that there isn't a Pokémon x-ray machine in their hospital.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5214361/the-pokemon-x+ray-machine

Kotaku Rakes In The Shitty Proofreading

Seriously? Seriously. EIGHT HUNDRED SIXTY DOLLARS.

Great proofreading, you fucking excuse for a news blog!

Source: http://kotaku.com/5214468/blizzardvision-rakes-in-the-dough

Whele's Wardo

Ah, a list of difficult games. Sounds like an interesting enough top 25. BTW, here's a picture of some japanese guy that you may or may not recognize. Ignore the fact that there's no mention of him anywhere in the article. Just imagine he's there like some kind of easter egg, and if you can find him, you with the gurando no puraizu.
source: http://kotaku.com/5211094/these-games-are-hard

FFVII new and improved international version. Wait a minute...

Hot off the presses, final fantasy 7 is available for download for japanese PSN account holders. This isn't that terrible a news story, as a lot of neat downloads are often only available to select regions at first. What DOES make this story terrible is that this fucktwat is telling his 99% american audience about the new features in this special "international version" that is actually just THE REBRANDED AMERICAN VERSION. WE SAW THIS SHIT 12 YEARS AGO. Oh, and thanks for telling me the price in yen you god damn dickfuck.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5206591/play-final-fantasy-vii-on-your-ps3-now

Good Knight, Sweet Prince of Illiteracy

Nevermind the GI-FUCKING-GANTIC cell phone picture that you didn't even take the time to crop or scale down... but how about that last sentence of yours?

"an red-headed night"

Bravo, Brian. Bravo. Was "an auburn-headed knight" too complex for your wife to read?

Source: http://kotaku.com/5202786/first-peek-at-tales-of-vesperia-anime

Kotac Lays Out The Bad Spelling or The ABCs of Irony

I thought maybe I was missing something. Even though I'm a big fan of the Rock Band franchise, I thought that perhaps "Harmonic" was a fan-site or a Rock Band forum that I wasn't aware of. Nope, Mike just failed to spell the name of the developer wrong. The name of the developer that's clearly legible right there on the trailer.

Source: http://kotaku.com/5203436/rock-band-unplugged-trailer-shows-how-easy-love-can-be

Japan: A World Without Scanners

I'm sad to report that there are NO WORKING SCANNERS IN ALL OF JAPAN. The only way that residents of the most technologically advanced society on earth can capture the printed word digitally, is to photograph it with their 30 megapixel cameraphones. Unfortunately, our country's bandwidth is unable to cope with such large images, so smaller versions of these images are frequently displayed on American websites. Most style guides will dictate that because the vast majority of our nation cannot read the Japanese language, these small images serve as an appropriate source for the accompanying article.

tl:dr Bash-hole posted a thumbnail of a photo of a magazine that we can't read and called it news.




Source: http://kotaku.com/5202995/eagerly-awaited-koei-ps3-title-still-in-development

More like BORE-OPHYLL

Right like you fucktards that wank it to girls in cat ears are not going to buy this game because the girls are "expressionless." Admit it, you like that dead-eyed stare.



Why did you feel the need to post the same screencaps like a dozen times? Are you really illustrating your point more effectively, that the unreleased game might be boring?

Source: http://kotaku.com/5202788/banana-eating-cat-ear-ps3-game-not-expressive